We live in a time where dating different partners is as easy as owning many pairs of shoes. Whenever a newer, sought-after style comes out, we quickly forget the open-toe of last year, and run to the shops to buy the horrible sneakers with an integrated wedge heel. As soon as these monstrosities go out of style, there will surely come something newer, shinier, and prettier… but does that automatically make it better? Just like we change and throw out our shoes, our society has made it acceptable to do the same with partners that we date and sleep with. What happened that this became a “made-for-one-time-use-only” disposable generation? Like a multiple test in school: A, B, C, D, “all, or none” of the above, do we live in a multiple-choice society?
Jules and I went for a Bloody Mary at Vai Vai last week. She told me that she met a nice guy at the super cool Rockmarket party in Frankfurt. That evening they had a long chat about life, relationships, philosophy, and other fascinating topics. After the party, they kept in touch, and have decided to meet again. They had a wonderful evening of delicious food and drinks, and ended up going to his place. This mystery man was mesmerized by Jules, kissing her all the way up the stairs to his flat. They laughed, shared some private jokes, and had passionate sex into the early morning hours. After waking up, they had some coffee, and she left. A week has passed, and Jules is still waiting for him to call. Meanwhile, our mystery man has disappeared. For him, it was just casual sex. For her, it was not so casual.
Casual Sex: how do you feel the next morning, after the glittery glamorous butterfly effects of the alcohol has worn off, the make-up is smeared all over the face, the person you shared your body with is sleeping on the other end of the bed, back turned to you, and you feel… empty. The heart wants more. It wants to be hugged, caressed, loved, cuddled and be assured that the world is a beautiful and bright place to live in. But reality strikes when you open your eyes the next morning, and see the look in the other’s face, the looks that says without words, “Please leave my flat, I do not want to deal with you in my bed now… or ever.” That’s the look that makes you get dressed as quickly as possible, leave the scene of the crime, take the torturous walk of shame home, and try to forget that this ever happened. Do we really ever forget these events? Or do they haunt and torture us, taking with them a small piece of our soul, leaving a tiny empty hole.
Then again, there are some that simply love sex. They adore the exploration of the body, having a thrilling night of passion and seduction, without any strings attached. Why settle down for one, when there can be a new one as often as wanted? Instead of one grotesque wedge heeled-sneaker, you can have 10 in all different colors and styles! It’s casual sex between two consenting adults. Let’s take Samantha from Sex and the City as an example. She was a beautiful, successful, independent woman that enjoyed having casual sex. She was completely happy and satisfied with the many sexual variations in her life… and then came Smith. Once true love entered the scene, all variety was forgotten. Even Samantha, the lover of many lovers, gave into being with only one man, the man that won over her heart.
Expectation management: Casual sex is ok, as long as you can live with a non-guilty conscience of the consequences that follow. It has been observed that women are more likely to want more from a man after a night spent together, whereas for some men, it is simply casual sex. However, this is not to say that the roles cannot be reversed. But usually, women connect on an emotional level, whereas men tend to connect on a physical level. Is it possible to avoid getting hurt by discussing future expectations before getting into bed? Or is it a mood-killer?
What must be avoided, due to the sheer respect for a fellow human being, is leading someone on, with false expectations and illusions. This reminds me of a story that my friend Claudia told me once. Two years ago, she dated someone for a few weeks. Let’s call him “Cutlery-Man”. This summer she saw him at a street fest in the city. They had a warm reunion and went to her house for a delicious glass of Barolo, and a heart-to-heart conversation. He showered her with promises of a beautiful future together. She was looking into his bright blue eyes, charmed with every word that came out of his mouth. She figured that since they knew each other from the past, he would not lie to her. She gave into his hypnotic tales of a fraudulent life, and made love the entire night. Little did she know, he had not put on a condom as promised, and as he coldly left her flat the next morning, she rushed to her doctor to get the morning after pill. She was nauseous and sick all day, not only due to this awful strong pill, but also from his irresponsibility, and cruel carelessness. It dawned upon her, that his intentions were never true. He disgustingly lied his way into a night of casual sex with her. He did not even care about the damage this pill made to her body and soul. “Cutlery-Man” is a Frankfurt banker that came from a rural area. He is an empty walking shell of a man that has lost his happiness and joy for life. His selfishness possibly stems from the fact that he never got the proper love he needed at home, and therefore, he became a bitter man, a ghost. A week later, Claudia found out that Cutlery-Man has been calling and trying to sleep with a girlfriend of hers as well, knowing that both girls knew each other!
Saying all of the above, there have been times where casual sex has led to true love. I even know a couple that started dating, and got engaged shortly after. Fairytales do come true. Fate is a marvelous thing that can surprise you at the strangest of times! Be good, kind, fair, honest, respectful to yourself and others, and good things will come to you.