expectations

6 Steps for Classy Flirting
6 Steps for Classy Flirting 1080 530 Galia Brener

I like to observe people all around me. Last week I was on the train and saw a pretty young lady sitting not too far away from me. As the train reached the Frankfurt main station, a handsome man walked in and sat down across from her. I knew right away that I will get a nice article from this scenario.

Flirting varies from person to person. Some are simply born with the talent to flirt and charm, some feel awkward doing it, some think it’s cheap, while others are flirt-o-holics and cannot live without it. So what’s the secret to flirting and how is it done in a classy way with the best results?

Back to my train-spying-romance-story. I looked closely at the woman, and noticed that her eyes brightened when she saw him. She straightened her posture and tried to make herself more alluring to him. He didn’t notice a thing. She glanced at him and looked away. The ride was quite long, so she did that many times, but the guy still had no clue. After a few more attempts, she gave up her subtleness and just gawked shamelessly at him. She arched her back, placed a half smile on her lips, and looked fiercely into his eyes without blinking! She looked wild and hungry, like in a cannibal-cloud-nine-bath-salts kind of way. I was watching them, entertained out of my mind – who needs a movie when you have freak shows all over the city? She tried to bat her eyelashes at him – but instead of being sexy, it looked like she was trying to blink her own eyelid away, opening her eyes wider each time. The guy was squirming very uncomfortably in his seat by now. Eventually her “flirting” technique scared the hell out of him, so he got up and walked quickly away. So ladies and gentlemen, now that we know the wrong way to flirt, let’s see how we can do it the right way.

1. The Eye Contact: This is the most important aspect of the flirt-system! What usually works for me is first a quick glance in his direction. If he sends you a glance back, lock eyes for a moment and look away. Continue doing that for a few times, each time locking eyes for longer periods of time. I wouldn’t recommend looking over too often. Besides, you will feel and see if he’s interested or not.

2. The Smile: After the eye contact, comes your time to shine – beam him/her with a warm and welcoming smile, but please don’t overdo it. We don’t want to come across as psychopaths – a.k.a. – Train Girl. A genuine smile is the sexiest thing and guy or girl can wear, because it shows happiness. Happy people are very attractive. As with the first step, look and smile a few times. If s/he smiles back, you’re in! If not, don’t waste your time because they are most likely not interested.

3. The Approach: This one is more for the guys. I’m a bit of an old fashioned girl and don’t approach men first. I feel that if I have sent out the right signals, topped it off with a warm lovely smile, and if he’s interested, he will approach me. Here comes the best part gentlemen – all you have to do is walk over, smile and say hello. Offer her a drink and introduce yourself. No pick up lines, no playing too cool, no wise guy remarks. Just be sincere, charming, warm and friendly. It’s really as easy as that. If this doesn’t work, then move on – nothing lost.

4. Body Language: Do not cross your arms when talking to him/her. Do not lean away from the person – instead – lean in towards them in the conversation. What works well is to imitate the other person’s body language, because that means you are in sync. Don’t hold out on the smiles or act too serious. Be open and relaxed. Make sure you have a good posture and don’t slouch.

5. Be Charming: Ask him or her questions, and show that you are interested in what they have to say – but don’t fake it. Be genuine, and only show interest if it’s there. When talking, a gentle touch on the arm, or a playful push and laugh is always a nice way to create subtle closeness. Don’t brag about how great your career is, or how cool your friends think you are. No one likes show-offs. Respect the other person and show your good manners. Making an honest compliment works really well. Everyone likes to hear something nice about themselves, but don’t get too personal or sexual right away.

6. Most Important – Lower Your Expectations: If you meet someone that you really like, do not start dreaming right away that this could be the one and put pressure on yourself. Men and women smell desperation and neediness – and this is not the impression you want to leave. So if it goes well, exchange numbers and take it from there. I highly recommended going slow at the beginning.

Flirting is a nice way to increase your self-esteem and confirm to yourself that you are attractive to others. It’s a way of saying to yourself, “I still have the touch.” Flirting is great for getting to know someone who has caught your eye and improving your communication skills. It’s also a great energy booster, and puts you in a positive mood. However, if someone is clearly not responding to your flirting, accept that they are not that into you and walk away. Don’t continue, thinking that they are simply playing hard to get. You will see and feel when it’s not working out. Not everyone is meant to be for everyone – that would be too boring. Your turn will come. Do not let anyone bring you down, and have faith that you deserve true love, and know that you will have it. Know your worth, and always respect yourself – if you do, so will others! Go out there and enjoy a nice evening of flirting.

www.facebook.com/galiabrener

 

Can sex really be just “casual”?
Can sex really be just “casual”? 1200 400 Galia Brener

We live in an unfortunate time where dating different partners is as easy as owning many pairs of shoes. Whenever a newer, sought-after style comes out, we quickly forget the studded-sneaker of last year, and run to the stores to buy something new. As soon as these shoes go out of style, there will surely come something newer, shinier, and prettier… but does that automatically make it better? Just like we change and throw out our shoes, our society has made it acceptable to do the same with partners that we date and sleep with. Why did this become a “made-for-one-time-use-only” disposable generation? Like the answers to a multiple test in school: A, B, C, D, all, or none of the above – we live in a multiple-choice society!

 

Jules and I went for a Bloody Mary at Vai Vai last week. She told me that she met a nice guy at a party in Frankfurt. That evening they had a long chat about life, relationships, philosophy, and other fascinating topics. After the party, they kept in touch, and have decided to meet again. They had a wonderful evening of delicious food and drinks, and ended up going to his place. This mystery man was fascinated with Jules, kissing her all the way up the stairs to his flat. They laughed, shared some private jokes, and had passionate sex into the early morning hours. After waking up, they had some coffee, and she left. A week has passed, and Jules is still waiting for him to call. Meanwhile, our mystery man has disappeared. For him, it was just casual sex. For her, it was not so casual!

 

Casual Sex: how do you feel the next morning, after the glittery glamorous butterfly effects of the alcohol has worn off, the make-up is smeared all over the face, the person you shared your body with is sleeping on the other end of the bed, back turned to you, and you feel… empty. The heart wants more. It wants to be hugged, caressed, loved, cuddled and be assured that the world is a beautiful and bright place to live in. But reality strikes when you open your eyes the next morning, and see the look in the other’s face, the looks that says without words, “Please leave my flat, I do not want to deal with you in my bed now… or ever.” That’s the look that makes you get dressed as quickly as possible, leave the scene of the crime, take the torturous walk of shame home, and try to forget that this ever happened. Do we really ever forget these events? Or do they haunt and torture us, taking with them a small piece of our heart, leaving a tiny empty hole.

 

Expectation management: There are some that simply love sex. They adore the exploration of the body, having a thrilling night of passion and seduction, without any strings attached. They think: why settle down for one, when there can be a new one as often as wanted? Instead of one pair of Louboutin sneakers, why not have 10 in all different colors!? It’s casual sex between two consenting adults – but this should be discussed before jumping into bed, so that nobody gets hurt afterwards. It has been observed that women are more likely to want more from a man after sex, whereas for some men, it is simply casual sex. However, this is not to say that the roles cannot be reversed. But usually women connect on an emotional level, whereas men tend to connect on a physical level.

 

What must be avoided is leading someone on with fake promises and illusions! This reminds me of a story that Gloria told me once. Years ago, she dated a guy for a few weeks – let’s call him “Fork-Man”. A few summers ago she saw him at a street fest in the city. They had a warm reunion and went to her house for a delicious glass of Barolo and a heart-to-heart conversation. He showered her with promises of a beautiful future together. She was looking into his bright blue eyes, charmed with every word that came out of his mouth. She figured that since they knew each other from the past, he would not lie to her. Gloria gave into his hypnotic tales of a “happy life together” and had sex with him. The next day he got dressed and left. It dawned upon her that his intentions were never true! He disgustingly lied his way into a night of casual sex with her. “Fork-Man” is a Frankfurt banker that comes from a small village. He is an empty walking ghost without happiness and joy for life. His selfishness and anger comes from the fact that he never got the proper love and warmth at home as a child. Therefore he became a bitter man who hurts and uses everyone else. Later, Gloria found out that Fork-Man has been calling and trying to sleep with a friend of hers as well. He knew that both girls know each other!

 

Saying all of the above, there have been times where casual sex has led to true love. I even know a couple that started dating and got engaged shortly after. Fairytales do come true. Fate is a marvelous thing that can surprise you! But be prepared that if you do have casual sex, the person you slept with might not call you the next day or even the next weeks. That’s the risk you are taking. Even if for you it was special, for him/her it might only be “casual” sex and nothing more.

 

www.facebook.com/galiabrener

 

Gali_3

5 steps to get rid of expectations.
5 steps to get rid of expectations. 1024 683 Galia Brener

Two weeks ago I had brunch with my close friends and our mothers. As usual we were chatting about life, career and love. My friend’s mama told me that she read my article about expectations killing relationships. She liked the article, and wanted further details about how does one actually get rid of these evil expectations? This week my dear friends and readers, I have compiled a list of how to get rid of these expectations. These things have really helped me in the past:

1. Concentrate on the “NOW” – I think that expectations have something to do with the future and not living in the present. Thoughts like, “When I get this and that, my life will be good, and I will be happy.” show that you are living with future expectations. The future and past do not really exist, because only the present moment does. Living fully and enjoying every second now helps us to be happy at this moment, and not rely on future fulfillment of expectations to make us happy!

2. Be satisfied with yourself – Choose to be happy and satisfied with yourself, and never rely on anyone else for your happiness. I have learned that being happy in my own choice. After falling on my face a few times, I don’t expect others to make me happy anymore. This satisfaction comes from me now, and everything else given to me by others is a “bonus”, and not an “expectation”. Funny thing though, the less I truly expect, the more I get.

3. Nobody owes us anything – I think that nobody owes us anything in this world. The nice things we get are bonuses, but never owed to us. I believe that expectations are the evil voice of our ego – the ego always wants more and more, and only me, me, me. The ego tells you, “I am so great, and I deserve everything because they owe it to me!” And if these expectations don’t get fulfilled then disappointment and sadness come, which causes harm to our happiness and balance in life.

4. Love others – The more love you give, the more love you get. You will notice that if you love your partner truly and freely, and without expectations of getting something in return, this love will be given back to you automatically! As soon as you start mixing it with expectations, for example “If I do this for him, then he will do this for me too.” Or “If I give her this present, then she will love me more.” That’s when the system starts to break down, and the expectations kill the positive flow. Give love freely and don’t think of what you get back in return. It’s not a business deal. You don’t give in order to get. You give because you want to.

5. Get rid of rose-tinted glasses – Accept others as they are and get rid of fairytale expectations. Most of us, including myself, have an ideal of how we want our partners to be, look like, behave, etc. We meet someone new, get into a relationship, and try to project these expectations on that person. Wrong. This is what gets us into trouble in the first place. I once made a mistake when I met my partner. I built in my head an image of this “Big strong almighty man”, and put him on a pedestal. The problem was that he was not at all like the man I created in my head! I was so blinded by my own rose-tinted glasses that I didn’t see the true man in front of me – who was not the wonderful, loving and caring man who I thought he was. You must see the person as they truly are, let them be themselves, and only then will you find out if s/he a good match for you or not! On the positive note, it can happen that you might be surprised that their “true self” is even better than what you had expected.

I know that it is hard to get rid of expectations in life and love. However, these expectations are what kill relationships. What we want and feel we deserve is not always what we get, and we must deal with that fact. The interesting thing that I noticed is that as soon as I dropped all expectations, the things I really wanted started coming into my life automatically! So my advise to you would be to make a little experiment and try to drop all expectations for a month, and see what happens… you will be very pleasantly surprised.

Expectations kill relationships!
Expectations kill relationships! 1354 437 Galia Brener

Ladies and gentlemen, what is the best way to kill a relationship? With expectations! – Especially the unreasonable ones. A few weeks ago I was having our usual Sunday brunch with the girls, and the topic of expectations in relationships came up. It was very interesting to see how the opinions in our group varied completely. One girl said that she has absolutely zero expectation towards her boyfriend – no holding doors, no cute texts before bed time, nothing at all. But the other girls did not agree with her. They expected their men to always be attentive, buy them presents, pay for most of their holidays, take them to restaurants and write them nice text messages at least once a day. However, the funny thing is that the only boyfriend who actually did all of these things was the one of the girl that had no expectations of him whatsoever! He did it from his own will, and not because he was “expected” to do so, and that shows his real love.

This made me think: Isn’t it better to expect less, and see all the nice things that come our way simply as “bonuses” in life? This reminds me of a story about my friend Carla. She met a really attractive guy a few months ago – let’s call him “The turtle”. He was almost 2 meters tall, had a body of a Greek God, bright blue eyes that an ocean would be jealous of, and chin-length thick blonde hair. Whenever she was around him, her body would automatically react to his masculine smell. He made her panties wet with just one strong, tight hug! Needless to say, she was head over heels in lust with him. They started seeing each other, and so the “expectations” had begun.

It all started with her complains to me that the turtle didn’t write her enough. He made little time to see her, and when they met, their time was limited. He didn’t introduce her to his friends and family, and they didn’t spend many weekends together. She was being very impatient with the turtle, and it seems like her expectations were building up more and more on top of each other. They dated for about a month but nothing really changed. Carla was getting fed up with the turtle’s lack of initiative and attention, and decided to drop her efforts as well. She didn’t write him anymore, and stopped the “chase” altogether. The crazy thing was that as soon as she cooled off about him, the slow turtle changed gears to the fast lane, and started chasing her! Since she didn’t care so much anymore, all of the expectations and pressure was dropped on her part. And without the expectations, she was surprised to see how much effort was coming from him now! However it was too late because chasing him for over a month was exhausting. Her passion for him burned out and she was not interested anymore.

Where do these relationship-killing expectations come from? The main reason for them is the evil ego of ours, and the bitch called “sense of entitlement”. We believe the things we expect are rightfully ours and we deserve them. “Me, me, me” the ego likes to scream out loud. But who is to say what we deserve or not, because nobody owes us anything in this world. If you get treated well and spoiled by your partner, be appreciative and see it as a kind virtue. The problem is that when these expectations – big or small – are not met, we feel disappointment, which leads to arguments and hurt pride. Here is a simple relationship formula: No expectations = no disappointments.

Of course I am not saying that you have to accept when your partner is being disrespectful, cheap or careless to you. I am referring to the superficial unreasonable expectations. Not only are you putting pressure on him, but on yourself as well. Take it easy, relax and allow him to show you his true colors. Most likely being the gentleman that he is, he will invite you to nice dinners and spoil you a bit, but don’t take that as a given and a must. After you let go of all the expectations, and you still have problems with your partner, you must ask yourself, “Maybe we don’t speak the same love language?” Meaning, maybe you don’t fit well together. At the end of the day, it’s your life, and you must do whatever is good for you. But keep in mind that expectations are a killer for relationships, so the more easy-going you are, the more you shall be open to wonderful and positive surprises. So far for my 33 years, I have learned that somehow life always delivers more when less is expected.

Not So Casual Sex
Not So Casual Sex 1354 437 Galia Brener

We live in a time where dating different partners is as easy as owning many pairs of shoes. Whenever a newer, sought-after style comes out, we quickly forget the open-toe of last year, and run to the shops to buy the horrible sneakers with an integrated wedge heel. As soon as these monstrosities go out of style, there will surely come something newer, shinier, and prettier… but does that automatically make it better? Just like we change and throw out our shoes, our society has made it acceptable to do the same with partners that we date and sleep with. What happened that this became a “made-for-one-time-use-only” disposable generation? Like a multiple test in school: A, B, C, D, “all, or none” of the above, do we live in a multiple-choice society?

Jules and I went for a Bloody Mary at Vai Vai last week. She told me that she met a nice guy at the super cool Rockmarket party in Frankfurt. That evening they had a long chat about life, relationships, philosophy, and other fascinating topics. After the party, they kept in touch, and have decided to meet again. They had a wonderful evening of delicious food and drinks, and ended up going to his place. This mystery man was mesmerized by Jules, kissing her all the way up the stairs to his flat. They laughed, shared some private jokes, and had passionate sex into the early morning hours. After waking up, they had some coffee, and she left. A week has passed, and Jules is still waiting for him to call. Meanwhile, our mystery man has disappeared. For him, it was just casual sex. For her, it was not so casual.

Casual Sex: how do you feel the next morning, after the glittery glamorous butterfly effects of the alcohol has worn off, the make-up is smeared all over the face, the person you shared your body with is sleeping on the other end of the bed, back turned to you, and you feel… empty. The heart wants more. It wants to be hugged, caressed, loved, cuddled and be assured that the world is a beautiful and bright place to live in. But reality strikes when you open your eyes the next morning, and see the look in the other’s face, the looks that says without words, “Please leave my flat, I do not want to deal with you in my bed now… or ever.” That’s the look that makes you get dressed as quickly as possible, leave the scene of the crime, take the torturous walk of shame home, and try to forget that this ever happened. Do we really ever forget these events? Or do they haunt and torture us, taking with them a small piece of our soul, leaving a tiny empty hole.

Then again, there are some that simply love sex. They adore the exploration of the body, having a thrilling night of passion and seduction, without any strings attached. Why settle down for one, when there can be a new one as often as wanted? Instead of one grotesque wedge heeled-sneaker, you can have 10 in all different colors and styles! It’s casual sex between two consenting adults. Let’s take Samantha from Sex and the City as an example. She was a beautiful, successful, independent woman that enjoyed having casual sex. She was completely happy and satisfied with the many sexual variations in her life… and then came Smith. Once true love entered the scene, all variety was forgotten. Even Samantha, the lover of many lovers, gave into being with only one man, the man that won over her heart.

Expectation management: Casual sex is ok, as long as you can live with a non-guilty conscience of the consequences that follow. It has been observed that women are more likely to want more from a man after a night spent together, whereas for some men, it is simply casual sex. However, this is not to say that the roles cannot be reversed. But usually, women connect on an emotional level, whereas men tend to connect on a physical level. Is it possible to avoid getting hurt by discussing future expectations before getting into bed? Or is it a mood-killer?

What must be avoided, due to the sheer respect for a fellow human being, is leading someone on, with false expectations and illusions. This reminds me of a story that my friend Claudia told me once. Two years ago, she dated someone for a few weeks. Let’s call him “Cutlery-Man”. This summer she saw him at a street fest in the city. They had a warm reunion and went to her house for a delicious glass of Barolo, and a heart-to-heart conversation. He showered her with promises of a beautiful future together. She was looking into his bright blue eyes, charmed with every word that came out of his mouth. She figured that since they knew each other from the past, he would not lie to her. She gave into his hypnotic tales of a fraudulent life, and made love the entire night. Little did she know, he had not put on a condom as promised, and as he coldly left her flat the next morning, she rushed to her doctor to get the morning after pill. She was nauseous and sick all day, not only due to this awful strong pill, but also from his irresponsibility, and cruel carelessness. It dawned upon her, that his intentions were never true. He disgustingly lied his way into a night of casual sex with her. He did not even care about the damage this pill made to her body and soul. “Cutlery-Man” is a Frankfurt banker that came from a rural area. He is an empty walking shell of a man that has lost his happiness and joy for life. His selfishness possibly stems from the fact that he never got the proper love he needed at home, and therefore, he became a bitter man, a ghost. A week later, Claudia found out that Cutlery-Man has been calling and trying to sleep with a girlfriend of hers as well, knowing that both girls knew each other!

Saying all of the above, there have been times where casual sex has led to true love. I even know a couple that started dating, and got engaged shortly after. Fairytales do come true. Fate is a marvelous thing that can surprise you at the strangest of times! Be good, kind, fair, honest, respectful to yourself and others, and good things will come to you.

www.facebook.com/yesnomaybegalia

Start Typing
Privacy / Datenschutz Preferences 

When you visit our website, it may store information through your browser from specific services, usually in the form of cookies. Here you can change your Privacy preferences. It is worth noting that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our website and the services we are able to offer.

Click to enable/disable Google Fonts.
Click to enable/disable Google Maps.
Click to enable/disable video embeds.
 
See our Privacy Policy / Datenschutz here: www.galiabrener.com/privacy-policy-datenschutz
Our website uses cookies, mainly from 3rd party services. Define your Privacy Preferences and/or agree to our use of cookies.