communication

WhatsApp killed the relationship
WhatsApp killed the relationship 1200 899 Galia Brener

It was a long drive back home, and thankfully I was well equipped with a good book to read, two new flavors of chips I have never tried before, and some cold Coke Zero. Everything a girl needs for a comfortable ride on the train, form one end of the country to the other. Across from me was sitting a young lady with long dark hair and big blue eyes. I noticed that she was typing something intensely into her mobile phone. I could almost see the smoke of anger coming out of her ears! She continued to abuse the poor phone, pressing her sharp long nails on the screen, creating an awful unbearable sound, like nails scratching a blackboard. Suddenly, the girl aggressively threw her phone onto the carpeted floor of the train, and let out a frustrated, angry sigh. She had tears in her eyes.

I asked if everything was fine with her, and she told me that she broke up with her long-term boyfriend… on her mobile phone! To ease the tension, I jokingly said that it must have been a hell of an SMS she just sent, and that she probably used up all her messages with that long text. She looked at me, like I was from a planet where dinosaurs still existed. She answered, “SMS? Do people still use those? I broke up with him on WhatsApp of course!” The answer to a love that lasted for 3 years: a break up on Whats-Bloody-App! The poor bastard did not even deserve a good old-fashioned SMS. He was not worth the price of it. WhatsApp is for free. What the hell happened to our world?

The further technology develops, the worse personal communication becomes. People can sit and type for hours on WhatsApp, instead of hearing each other’s voice, or meeting for a drink. Digital communication literally kills our relationships. A nice chat with your partner can turn into a disaster. One wrong letter, one wrong word, one wrong emoji smiley, and all of a sudden you are having a dreadful argument. The awful thing about digital communication is that it lacks the one and most important thing… emotions! Facebook is not much better. What if your man “liked” or wrote a “too-friendly” comment on a photo of a girl that you don’t know? Or even better, his ex-girlfriend contacted him. Or perhaps you find out the guy you are dating is flirting with ten other women on Facebook? Or perhaps even seeing them all? When our beloved Internet arrived, it brought with it many opportunities, but also many complications. The Internet turned us into a multiple-choice society. You can have A, B, C, D… or all of them online. It’s so easy to flirt left and right online with hundreds of men/women at the same time. In my opinion, this killed the purity of dating and love. Instead of searching for “The One and Only,” now online it’s all about dating and sleeping with “more and more”… or sadly even “ALL.”

My friend Gloria once destroyed a new relationship due to WhatsApp, because she did not know how the program functions. She met a guy at a party in Sachsenhausen. He was a rocker with a dirty attitude. Just a nasty man who believed that he must sleep with all of the women in Frankfurt before he died. Actually she luckily saved herself by killing this relationship, but that’s a whole other story. For now we shall only look at the mechanics of how technology killed this fake love. Gloria is a WhatsApp junkie. It’s the oxygen she breathes and the digital food she eats to stay alive. After meeting this creep, she started her usual “WhatsApp Romance” with him. They would communicate only online. I asked her why she doesn’t call him, and she said that if he wants to reach her, “he” should call. After they met a few times, Claudia fell for this idiot. She always complained that it took him too long to answer. She saw that he is online and typing something, but no text appeared on her screen. This happened a few times, so she accused him of being online and writing to “someone” else. He said that he was writing to her the entire time, but didn’t send the messages because he wanted to write something nice, so he kept rewriting his messages. I told Claudia that it is true. If she saw beside his name “typing”, then he was actually writing to her. She can’t see if he writes to someone else. She was devastated, shocked and angry with herself. She tried to save the new relationships, but it was too late. He accused her of being crazy and controlling… and all because of digital communication.

Thankfully there is a solution to this depersonalization and mass confusion. Instead of sending your loved one a text message, pick up the phone and call. You get to hear their voice, feel the emotions in their laughter, and share a few minutes of your day with them. If you have something important to say, try to do it with a call, or even better by talking to the person face-to-face. This will increase personal courage and strength of character. I have a new rule for myself (I am also guilty of using WhatsApp & Co.): if I feel that I have more courage to write to someone – which is the “easy” way out – then I wait to meet with them and say what’s on my heart in person. Sometimes It’s easier to say certain things or make confrontations electronically, instead of face-to-face. This takes courage away from people, and reduces empathy. Another thing that I would recommend, which I had to learn the hard way, is please do not have discussions with your partner via written words like sms, emails, Facebook, WhatsApp, etc. This will only make things worse because no emotions can be read. Meet them personally and work things out. Do not send angry messages on your phone. You will only hurt yourself in the process. Technology kills love. Of course we are busy, and do not always have time. In such cases texting helps, but nonetheless, let’s try to keep a more personal contact to the people that are important to us. I am also guilty of this sometimes, and will start now. It’s possible to save our relationships by being more personal. Let’s not hide behind our technology and have the audacity to face the people we care about. After all, a real kiss can only happen when you look your lover directly in the eye… and not via FaceTime.

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Photo by Uwe M carl of the Carl & Friends Agency
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6 Steps for Classy Flirting
6 Steps for Classy Flirting 1080 530 Galia Brener

I like to observe people all around me. Last week I was on the train and saw a pretty young lady sitting not too far away from me. As the train reached the Frankfurt main station, a handsome man walked in and sat down across from her. I knew right away that I will get a nice article from this scenario.

Flirting varies from person to person. Some are simply born with the talent to flirt and charm, some feel awkward doing it, some think it’s cheap, while others are flirt-o-holics and cannot live without it. So what’s the secret to flirting and how is it done in a classy way with the best results?

Back to my train-spying-romance-story. I looked closely at the woman, and noticed that her eyes brightened when she saw him. She straightened her posture and tried to make herself more alluring to him. He didn’t notice a thing. She glanced at him and looked away. The ride was quite long, so she did that many times, but the guy still had no clue. After a few more attempts, she gave up her subtleness and just gawked shamelessly at him. She arched her back, placed a half smile on her lips, and looked fiercely into his eyes without blinking! She looked wild and hungry, like in a cannibal-cloud-nine-bath-salts kind of way. I was watching them, entertained out of my mind – who needs a movie when you have freak shows all over the city? She tried to bat her eyelashes at him – but instead of being sexy, it looked like she was trying to blink her own eyelid away, opening her eyes wider each time. The guy was squirming very uncomfortably in his seat by now. Eventually her “flirting” technique scared the hell out of him, so he got up and walked quickly away. So ladies and gentlemen, now that we know the wrong way to flirt, let’s see how we can do it the right way.

1. The Eye Contact: This is the most important aspect of the flirt-system! What usually works for me is first a quick glance in his direction. If he sends you a glance back, lock eyes for a moment and look away. Continue doing that for a few times, each time locking eyes for longer periods of time. I wouldn’t recommend looking over too often. Besides, you will feel and see if he’s interested or not.

2. The Smile: After the eye contact, comes your time to shine – beam him/her with a warm and welcoming smile, but please don’t overdo it. We don’t want to come across as psychopaths – a.k.a. – Train Girl. A genuine smile is the sexiest thing and guy or girl can wear, because it shows happiness. Happy people are very attractive. As with the first step, look and smile a few times. If s/he smiles back, you’re in! If not, don’t waste your time because they are most likely not interested.

3. The Approach: This one is more for the guys. I’m a bit of an old fashioned girl and don’t approach men first. I feel that if I have sent out the right signals, topped it off with a warm lovely smile, and if he’s interested, he will approach me. Here comes the best part gentlemen – all you have to do is walk over, smile and say hello. Offer her a drink and introduce yourself. No pick up lines, no playing too cool, no wise guy remarks. Just be sincere, charming, warm and friendly. It’s really as easy as that. If this doesn’t work, then move on – nothing lost.

4. Body Language: Do not cross your arms when talking to him/her. Do not lean away from the person – instead – lean in towards them in the conversation. What works well is to imitate the other person’s body language, because that means you are in sync. Don’t hold out on the smiles or act too serious. Be open and relaxed. Make sure you have a good posture and don’t slouch.

5. Be Charming: Ask him or her questions, and show that you are interested in what they have to say – but don’t fake it. Be genuine, and only show interest if it’s there. When talking, a gentle touch on the arm, or a playful push and laugh is always a nice way to create subtle closeness. Don’t brag about how great your career is, or how cool your friends think you are. No one likes show-offs. Respect the other person and show your good manners. Making an honest compliment works really well. Everyone likes to hear something nice about themselves, but don’t get too personal or sexual right away.

6. Most Important – Lower Your Expectations: If you meet someone that you really like, do not start dreaming right away that this could be the one and put pressure on yourself. Men and women smell desperation and neediness – and this is not the impression you want to leave. So if it goes well, exchange numbers and take it from there. I highly recommended going slow at the beginning.

Flirting is a nice way to increase your self-esteem and confirm to yourself that you are attractive to others. It’s a way of saying to yourself, “I still have the touch.” Flirting is great for getting to know someone who has caught your eye and improving your communication skills. It’s also a great energy booster, and puts you in a positive mood. However, if someone is clearly not responding to your flirting, accept that they are not that into you and walk away. Don’t continue, thinking that they are simply playing hard to get. You will see and feel when it’s not working out. Not everyone is meant to be for everyone – that would be too boring. Your turn will come. Do not let anyone bring you down, and have faith that you deserve true love, and know that you will have it. Know your worth, and always respect yourself – if you do, so will others! Go out there and enjoy a nice evening of flirting.

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Arguing with your love – can you apologize first?
Arguing with your love – can you apologize first? 1080 530 Galia Brener

I had a long conversation with my friend Heather last week. She had a stupid fight with her man because of a small thing. The problem is that when she is in the heat of the moment, she only sees red. Reason and sensibility are thrown out of the window. At the end of the argument, he told her that he is usually the one who restores the harmony after a fight. This time, he did not want to be the first one to apologize again! He felt like an idiot that was always running to her, so he decided to leave their flat to clear his mind.

After he left, Heather did not know what to do. She felt sick to her stomach. She hated when they parted in anger and sadness. This left her with a feeling of helplessness and pain. She stayed in bed all Saturday morning, crying and sleeping in between. If was afternoon and he hasn’t called her yet. Usually he would have tried to call her at least 3 times, trying to make amends. But this time was different. Nothing came from him and this scared her. She did not want to lose him, because she loved him more than anyone else in the world. Heather called me in the evening, and I could hear the pain and panic in her voice. I quickly came over, equipped with wine and snacks, and we sat down to make a plan.

The plan was quite simple. It was up to her to apologize first this time. I asked her, “Heather, would you rather be right, or be happy?” She had to let go of always wanting to be “right”. Why is there always a need to win every argument? This only makes the fight last longer. The good thing is that they did not continue their argument after he left via digital communication. No bad words on WhatsApp, and no hurtful emails. This saved many sentences that both could have regret later. Is it worth to damage your love because of a meaningless argument and an ego that is too proud to compromise? No! Have we become such an ego-dominated society, that we are willing to lose our partner instead of being the first to apologize or make peace?

I advised Heather to send him a photo of her, with a sweet kiss and heart to break the initial ice. It worked like a charm. He called her back within a few minutes. He was colder than usual at first, but she went in with a mission to melt his heart. She told him that no matter what happens, she loves him very much, and he is the only one for her. She was sweet and loving on the phone. He became much warmer towards the end of the phone call. They hung up and I finally saw the beautiful smile on her face again. It worked!

When he came home, she was waiting for him with open arms. She jumped on him and kissed him all over. This made him very happy. That same night they had some drinks and an open talk. She said that he is very important to her, and she does not want to lose him and their special love. She promised to let go of small things, not hang onto words, to listen and communicate better. He promised to be more patient to her, and work on his communication skills as well. He said that her sudden reconciliatory behavior surprised him, because he was always the one to apologize first. She made the right choice, and her actions showed him that she is willing to work on herself, and their relationship.

If we truly love our partner, why is it so hard to apologize or make peace first? There are a few different reasons that stop us: The Ego. Our evil “best-friend”. It will always try to convince you that you are right. The Ego will try to tell you that making the first move after a fight shows dependency and weakness. The Ego also thinks that apologizing first will make you lose the upper hand and also the control in the relationship. The most ridiculous thing that the small pathetic Ego thinks: apologizing to your partner first is like being the “loser” and the person receiving the apology is the “winner.” How crazy is that? Do we want this small invisible creature to control us and destroy our relationships?

Some people stay completely in denial. They think if they do not “admit” that they are wrong, then in reality they are not actually wrong! They completely ignore and drown their problems. Worse of all, are the people who do not have empathy. These are the careless, cold, heartless people who do not care about others. These are the players, the bad boys/girls, the ones who only do things for their own satisfaction and benefit. If this is the case, then run as fast and far away as possible from them. They will never take responsibility for their actions, and continue hurting you over and over again. These are the dark lost souls that will never know what love really is.

If you truly love and care about your partner, then go to them and make peace. Life is short, and every second wasted being angry can be spent enjoying each other and making love. Even if you were not wrong, you can still sometimes be the first one to make peace. If they love you, they will appreciate this gesture and learn from it. If you see that your partner takes your apologies for granted, then they are not the right one for you. If this is real love, then you will both benefit from the apology and peace. The best way to do that is to ask yourself if being right is more important than having a strong connection with your partner? It’s important to stand up for yourself when being “truly” attacked. But it is more important to be able to let the small things go! Be smart, kill the ego and save the love.

 

‪#‎RelationshipGoals‬ ‪#‎love‬ ‪#‎happy‬ ‪#‎healthyrelationship‬

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Don’t fight, talk it out!
Don’t fight, talk it out! 1200 400 Galia Brener

Love is a wonderful thing, because it inspires one to be the best they can be. However, love alone is not enough to make a relationship successful. For this, love’s best friend, named “Communication” must come in and do its support work.

 

Unfortunately today, more people tend to break up, rather than fight for their love. It’s almost as if we are losing our energy and willpower to hold onto this concept. Giving it up and resting for a bit sounds like a real relief. “So what?” we think, surely the next one, or even a better one shall come along? However, that is not always the case. When did we lose our ability to open up our mouths and tell our partner what we need, feel and think?

 

An acquaintance of mine, lets call her Carla, is married to a national football player. When they first met, they were crazy about each other. They had wild passionate sex in every place imaginable! After a while, the sex went from everyday, to twice a week, and eventually twice a month. It was horrible, because Carla felt rejected and unattractive. This pushed her to do strange diets, which made her walk around constantly hungry and aggressive. Her self-esteem vanished and she even considered some unnecessary plastic surgery to make her husband hungry for her again! One day, we were having lunch, and I told her to sit down and talk to him like she was doing with me. I told her to pretend that he is just her friend and spill her guts out to him. Carla was horrified at this idea, thinking that he will use her honesty against her in some future argument, or that he will think that she is weak and pathetic. Finally she had the nerves to do this. After a bottle of Barolo, Carla opened up her heart to him. She told him things that she never told another living soul! She told him about her insecurity and fear of losing him. He was sure that she would have another hysterical fit like she always did, but this time she stayed calm. Her honest and relaxed way of speaking both surprised him and deeply touched his heart. He admitted to her that he was depressed because she always walked around the house angry and didn’t seem to notice him at all anymore. Plus she lost so much weight and he missed her curvier figure. Carla was so happy to hear this! At the end, both were suffering from the same reason. Lack of communication and honesty! Ever since that conversation, they have kept their communication lines open and are happier now than ever! They saved their love!

 

We have many reasons for lack of communication with our partners. Perhaps we are scared to lose them? Or don’t want to start a fight again and again? Or we feel that they wont understand us? For example, you two are going out for dinner and you make yourself beautiful. He comes home after a long day at work, gets ready for the dinner, and doesn’t comment on how amazing you look. You ask yourself, “Why doesn’t he compliment me anymore?” This makes you sad. You are quieter than usual, and he senses the tension between you. He asks what’s wrong, and you say…”Nothing.” Ladies, we have all been there. Maybe not in this exact situation, but we have all been guilty of saying, “Nothing is wrong”, when in reality, you want to hit him on the head with your purse, like those grandmothers in the classic movies! Wouldn’t it be nice if men were really as psychic as we wish them to be? In reality, they have no clue what the hell is going on in our heads when we say, “Nothing is wrong”, while we are boiling inside! Of course it’s easier to go and complain to our friends about him, but this will not solve the problem. Instead, take the situation into your hands, open your mouth and tell him what’s wrong.

 

With every misunderstanding and fight, you add “frustration drops” into an invisible bucket. Eventually it gets too full – meaning that all the crap adds up on top of the other until it eventually blows up into a huge argument – which may lead to a separation. I also made the experience that men simply shut down at displays of hysterics, screams, emotional outbursts, bitchiness and accusations. Pick a time when both of you are in a good mood and start the conversation in a calm and relaxed way. Do not do this directly after a fight, because both sides are still angry, and open communication will not work properly. Hurtful words will be said because that’s when the evil ego is at its strongest – waiting to defend itself and attack! Wait until the emotions and temper have cooled down.

 

Open your mouth and talk. Try to get over the stupid ego and open yourself up to your partner. If they truly love you, then they wont judge you. By the way, same rules apply for friendships, work situations, family, etc. Be the smart one and start a new way of open communication with the ones you love. It’s worth it! Besides, you will see what a huge relief it is to share your true thoughts, feeling and fears. Don’t fight… talk it out!

 

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Don’t just text. Call!
Don’t just text. Call! 600 745 Galia Brener
We live in a confusing time where relationships start, develop and end on the smartphone. Having the phone constantly around us is not even the main problem anymore. A much larger issue is that when meeting potential lovers, the preferred way of communication is: texting. Who the hell calls nowadays? Calling each other at the beginning is simply not the standard anymore. Welcome to generation texting. Such a romantic generation!Our phones have become the center of our existence. I myself am guilty of always having my phone in my hand. I have gotten so used to it that I sometimes don’t even realize I’m hanging tightly onto it. This is a strange phenomenon that is too late for us to change because the “phone habit” is so deeply imbedded in us. What’s even more peculiar is the “texting habits” of our time. Today two people meet and will text their brains out until they go out a few times. Either the dating holds for a few more times or they don’t meet anymore, notifying each other via texts that it isn’t working out.My friend Gloria met a guy she liked on Tinder. Belonging to generation texting, they wrote each other back and forth for a few weeks. I asked her why they haven’t spoken on the phone yet, and she said that he doesn’t call her. My advice was to say that she wanted to hear his voice, but she was shy and didn’t suggest it. Sometimes they wrote back and forth for hours each day and on the weekends as well. Why not simply pick up the phone to “say” hello? They finally had their first date and things went well. Of course the communication continued via WhatsApp for the few weeks after that. They kissed and even had sex, but never spoke on the phone. How the hell does that happen? Apparently today, a phone call is more personal than sex. After a month passed by, he was texting her much less, and Gloria felt that something was wrong. He seemed very distant. Eventually he wrote her that he is busy and doesn’t have much time to meet her anymore. To make a long story short, he broke up with her on WhatsApp. Classy move. Bravo.

Quote of the week from my Mama, “Never trust a man that only texts and never calls.”

Mon Dieu. Not a long time ago men would write women love letters, and seal it with their blood and honor! Today we get a smiley without even a nose :) to show us that they are half thinking about us. Why can’t they even attach the minus sign for the nose and at least make it a half decent smiley? ;-) Anyways gentlemen, we are not asking for your blood on a letter or even a nose, but at least a proper phone call now and then to show you care. The voice makes everything so much more personal. You can hear our gentle laugh, and we can enjoy your stories without the embarrassing autocorrect mistakes. Let’s not forget that many misunderstandings occur via texting because sometimes things are misinterpreted. Jokes are taken seriously or the other way around because you cannot hear the intonation of the voice. That’s how meaningless fights also start.

The motto for this year is: Text less and call more. Let’s try to get back to our roots. This goes for both men and women. Call him! Call her! In my opinion, it’s also a respect issue. Texting only is not romantic. I think that it’s lovely to get a quick call from your partner and hear their voice during the day. Or even a nice message on the voice mail if you can’t talk. Let’s try to make a bit more effort to charm our lovers. Even if you sound like Kermit the Frog, we don’t care, hearing your voice makes us happy! Start dialing.

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My name is EGO, your killer!
My name is EGO, your killer! 1354 437 Galia Brener

Hello, my name is Ego, and I am here to destroy your relationships. I am your best friend, and in fact, I am you! Let me teach you our rules: you better damn know that we are always right! They hurt us, so we must punish them by becoming distant, cold, and letting them suffer. Let’s stay mad, and not talk to them for a few days, see how they feel about that! That will teach them a big lesson, and make them crawl back to us, begging for forgiveness. I am the best, smartest, most intelligent, fantastic thing that exists. I am the EGO after all! My way of doing things is always the best. Everyone must do things my way, because I am a control freak! I must warn you about our enemy “Love”. Being your ego, I want what’s best for you. I take care of you, and make sure you are always protected against the enemy. Love is very tricky. Love always wants me to listen to the other side of the story, and also admit when I am wrong! Can you believe it?! Love requires a strange thing called “compromising”. It’s totally beneath me. I do not do compromising since my opinion is the right one, why should I agree with anyone else? They must only agree with me! If Love doesn’t understand that, then she can drown herself in the toilet. I will be happy to push the handle and watch her flush down, where she belongs. My name is EGO, and I am the only one who truly cares about you. I want the best for you! I adore always saying “I”, since “I” am the center of the Universe!

Sounds funny right? Unfortunately, that’s what happens in the minds of most people, including yours. Maybe not to such a drastic extent, but everyone’s Ego has gotten in the way of their happiness, at least once in their lives.

My friend Cindy told me a story about her boyfriend. They loved each other very much. Unfortunately after a few months, both started having problems with their jobs. This stressed them out, and made them fight. They had long talks, and Cindy realized what her mistakes were. She wanted to compromise and make the necessary steps to heal the relationship. She loved him more than the air she breathed. He continued to be cold and distant, even though she made such a huge effort to come towards him, and understand him. She opened her heart to him, and explained why these problems occurred, because she waned them to find a path together for the future. Cindy managed to step over her ego, and did all she could to save the relationship. His mistakes also created problems and fights, but he wouldn’t admit it. With horror, she realized, “How can a man suddenly turn off his love and emotions towards her, when he supposedly loved her so much?” And then the bitter truth struck her. He never did truly love her. A man that genuinely loves his woman is happy when she wants to make compromises, and save the relationship. Everyone is different when entering a relationship, and only compromises can save true love. Throwing something away is quite easy. His ego and pride were standing in his way. He couldn’t see beyond, and it made him weak. Due to this, he lost the person that loved him more than anyone ever did or will. He will realize this as time goes by, when sadness and regret settle deep in his broken heart. By then, it will be too late.

To be able to “truly” love, you must drop the ego. The Ego knows no difference between male or female. We all have this evil inside of us. The Ego sticks its wicked claws into the person, controls them, and usually ruins their loves and lives. It must be controlled and not given any power! For example feeling jealousy, or feeling the need to argue with your partner until s/he admits that you are right. These fights usually occur about minor issues, and during times of stress. You might think that the other is taking advantage of you, and your point of view is less important then theirs. My advice to you is, don’t sweat the small stuff, simply let it go! You cannot always be right. What helps is resisting the temptation to always feel the need to defend yourself. This is actually the Ego defending itself. The Ego will win the argument, but you can lose your partner. Think about it, is this situation worth losing your loved one?

After this initial reaction to a fight, there is sometimes a need to continue punishing the partner. He hurt you, and therefore must pay the price for this. You give him/her the silent treatment, creating mountains of distance between you two. Who will write or call first? How long will you continue to treat your partner this way after the argument? Until the love completely dies? Actually, you are also hurting yourself in the process of this unnecessary harsh treatment.

You must learn to agree to disagree! Learn to compromise! After arguments, the Ego will always try to trick you with doubts, fear, self-defense, re-thinking/evaluating the relationship, thinking “This doesn’t make me happy anymore, I need to protect myself and get out now!” The cold brutal rationality kills any feeling of love that you both established before. There will be fights once in a while, but you must be ready to let the issue go, or not only give blame, but also take blame upon yourself. Even Soul Mates are challenged with fights, in order to determine if their love for each other is real and strong. Be brave and tame your Ego. Build your own inner strength! This will not humiliate you, quite the opposite actually, this will make you strong and brave! How much longer do you want to be a slave to your Ego? If you are not willing to adjust to each other and work together on your relationship, then do yourself and your heart a favor, do not fall in love at all.

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Not So Casual Sex
Not So Casual Sex 1354 437 Galia Brener

We live in a time where dating different partners is as easy as owning many pairs of shoes. Whenever a newer, sought-after style comes out, we quickly forget the open-toe of last year, and run to the shops to buy the horrible sneakers with an integrated wedge heel. As soon as these monstrosities go out of style, there will surely come something newer, shinier, and prettier… but does that automatically make it better? Just like we change and throw out our shoes, our society has made it acceptable to do the same with partners that we date and sleep with. What happened that this became a “made-for-one-time-use-only” disposable generation? Like a multiple test in school: A, B, C, D, “all, or none” of the above, do we live in a multiple-choice society?

Jules and I went for a Bloody Mary at Vai Vai last week. She told me that she met a nice guy at the super cool Rockmarket party in Frankfurt. That evening they had a long chat about life, relationships, philosophy, and other fascinating topics. After the party, they kept in touch, and have decided to meet again. They had a wonderful evening of delicious food and drinks, and ended up going to his place. This mystery man was mesmerized by Jules, kissing her all the way up the stairs to his flat. They laughed, shared some private jokes, and had passionate sex into the early morning hours. After waking up, they had some coffee, and she left. A week has passed, and Jules is still waiting for him to call. Meanwhile, our mystery man has disappeared. For him, it was just casual sex. For her, it was not so casual.

Casual Sex: how do you feel the next morning, after the glittery glamorous butterfly effects of the alcohol has worn off, the make-up is smeared all over the face, the person you shared your body with is sleeping on the other end of the bed, back turned to you, and you feel… empty. The heart wants more. It wants to be hugged, caressed, loved, cuddled and be assured that the world is a beautiful and bright place to live in. But reality strikes when you open your eyes the next morning, and see the look in the other’s face, the looks that says without words, “Please leave my flat, I do not want to deal with you in my bed now… or ever.” That’s the look that makes you get dressed as quickly as possible, leave the scene of the crime, take the torturous walk of shame home, and try to forget that this ever happened. Do we really ever forget these events? Or do they haunt and torture us, taking with them a small piece of our soul, leaving a tiny empty hole.

Then again, there are some that simply love sex. They adore the exploration of the body, having a thrilling night of passion and seduction, without any strings attached. Why settle down for one, when there can be a new one as often as wanted? Instead of one grotesque wedge heeled-sneaker, you can have 10 in all different colors and styles! It’s casual sex between two consenting adults. Let’s take Samantha from Sex and the City as an example. She was a beautiful, successful, independent woman that enjoyed having casual sex. She was completely happy and satisfied with the many sexual variations in her life… and then came Smith. Once true love entered the scene, all variety was forgotten. Even Samantha, the lover of many lovers, gave into being with only one man, the man that won over her heart.

Expectation management: Casual sex is ok, as long as you can live with a non-guilty conscience of the consequences that follow. It has been observed that women are more likely to want more from a man after a night spent together, whereas for some men, it is simply casual sex. However, this is not to say that the roles cannot be reversed. But usually, women connect on an emotional level, whereas men tend to connect on a physical level. Is it possible to avoid getting hurt by discussing future expectations before getting into bed? Or is it a mood-killer?

What must be avoided, due to the sheer respect for a fellow human being, is leading someone on, with false expectations and illusions. This reminds me of a story that my friend Claudia told me once. Two years ago, she dated someone for a few weeks. Let’s call him “Cutlery-Man”. This summer she saw him at a street fest in the city. They had a warm reunion and went to her house for a delicious glass of Barolo, and a heart-to-heart conversation. He showered her with promises of a beautiful future together. She was looking into his bright blue eyes, charmed with every word that came out of his mouth. She figured that since they knew each other from the past, he would not lie to her. She gave into his hypnotic tales of a fraudulent life, and made love the entire night. Little did she know, he had not put on a condom as promised, and as he coldly left her flat the next morning, she rushed to her doctor to get the morning after pill. She was nauseous and sick all day, not only due to this awful strong pill, but also from his irresponsibility, and cruel carelessness. It dawned upon her, that his intentions were never true. He disgustingly lied his way into a night of casual sex with her. He did not even care about the damage this pill made to her body and soul. “Cutlery-Man” is a Frankfurt banker that came from a rural area. He is an empty walking shell of a man that has lost his happiness and joy for life. His selfishness possibly stems from the fact that he never got the proper love he needed at home, and therefore, he became a bitter man, a ghost. A week later, Claudia found out that Cutlery-Man has been calling and trying to sleep with a girlfriend of hers as well, knowing that both girls knew each other!

Saying all of the above, there have been times where casual sex has led to true love. I even know a couple that started dating, and got engaged shortly after. Fairytales do come true. Fate is a marvelous thing that can surprise you at the strangest of times! Be good, kind, fair, honest, respectful to yourself and others, and good things will come to you.

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