Do you ever think about your ex and really miss him/her? Do you think back about the good times you had, the kissing, cuddling, laughing, hanging out, cooking, traveling, talking, sharing, partying, falling asleep together, and and and? Well my dears, perhaps I can make your heart a bit lighter after reading this article. Most likely, you don’t miss your ex, but rather the feeling of love, and being loved!
A few Saturdays ago, I had dinner at VaiVai with my two friends Marianne and Heather. We were a table full of carnivores, and all ordered the same dry-aged steak, and the famous VaiVai rosemary and garlic homemade french fries. Of course this was topped off with a nice bottle of Barolo. Little did we know that this would be one of the most important evenings for heather in a long time! On our second glass, reminiscing about all of our past loves, Heather looked at us with sudden tears in her eyes and said, “I think of him so often. I’m stuck, and I can’t move on. It still hurts so much! I used to be so free, positive and happy before I met him. I want to be that woman again.” Wow, big statement! Marianne is a well-known Frankfurt psychologist, and she decided that tonight she would heal Heather. Tonight was the first time in a while that Heather was open for help, and she was about to beat her demon.
Marianne asked Heather a simple question: “Tell me 5 things that you miss about your ex.” She answered: cooking together, traveling, cuddling…. “STOP!” said Marianne. “I said the 5 things that you miss about “him”! Not 5 things that you could have with another man as well.” Marianne looked at us like we were Martians talking to her in an alien language. She became extremely quiet, and it took her a while to think. We finished the first bottle of red. Still no answer. After a while she said she missed his smell, voice, sense of humor, physical contact and helpful advice. Well, sorry to break it to you Heather, but these things you can have with another man as well. Voices and smells are unique, but many other people have nice scents and tones as well! She opened her eyes, as if for the very first time in months, and realized that it is not specifically “him” that she missed, but rather the feeling of love and a companion by her side! She also admitted that most of the cute sweet things in the relationship came from her. If she created this with her ex, then she can implement these things in the next relationship as well! And just like that, Heather’s brain clicked with this new awareness, and sent a message to her heart, “You can let go now.” This realization was worth gold! Ever since then, Heather is smiling, happy, positive and herself again!
Ladies and gentlemen if you are hanging onto your ex and can’t let go, then ask yourself one simple question: “What exactly do I miss about him/her?” You have to differentiate whether the things you miss, you can have with another partner as well – such as – cuddling, traveling, having someone who cares about you, affection, love, sex, having someone to talk to when bad or good things happen, going to dinners and partying, sweet text messages, falling asleep together, kissing, etc. All of these things the next love will give you too! It’s not specific of your ex only! However, if you really miss such things like his smell, jokes, laughter, body gesture, habits, etc. then it is him/her you’re still longing after. But also here I can help you by pointing out that the next guy might make even funnier jokes, understand you better, care more, or the next girl might smell even better for you, be more empathetic, etc. In my opinion, 80% of the time we miss the feeling of love, being loved, companionship, activities and spending time with a partner – rather than that “specific” person! Crazy realization, right?
If you open up your mind to this fact, and make a list, then you will see that most likely you are part of that 80%. This realization will help you to let go and move on very quickly! The hold and obsession will be released, and you will open up to new love again. Plus don’t forget that it is quite normal to still hang onto the last person that you were dating. Most likely as soon as the next love will knock on your door, you will forget your ex – because you will have the companionship and feeling of love again, which was missing after the breakup. Believe me, when that handsome new man or beautiful woman is staring into your eyes with a big smile, the last thing you will think about is your ex! That’s when you will see again – it’s not them you really missed!
