July 2013

It was a rainy Sunday, and I was enjoying a delicious breakfast with my girlfriends at a cute French pastry shop downtown. The girls were sipping their Cappuccinos, and eating croissants with fruits. I was the only one who had croissants, additionally to my large plate of soft French cheeses, eggs, marmalade, and a pain au chocolat to top it all off. Did I mention that this was my second breakfast? Food is my second big love. He is comforting, exotic, delicious, and I definitely have a full-time “on” relationship with him.

As I was busy scooping the cheese into my mouth, I was listening to Claudia’s story about her Sir Cuckoo. They have been together for about three years. Some months were spent happy with plenty of adventures, cuddling and laughter. The months in between were dark and bitter, like my coffee, which needed an urgent dosage of sugar. Claudia told us that with Sir Cuckoo, the highs were very high. She felt like a queen beside him. He adored her, and wanted to spend every waking moment with her. They had deep, intense, bonding conversations until the morning hours. She said that they had a unique spiritual bond. She felt that he was her soulmate.

However, the lows were excruciatingly low! He would suddenly change towards her. Almost as if becoming a completely different person. During these phases, he was cold, distant and careless towards Claudia. This caused her tremendous grief. It felt like he was tearing her heart out of her body, cutting it in half with rusty scissors, throwing both pieces on the dirty floor and stepping on them until they turn into a bloody paste. In other words, he was killing her. She could not understand how can someone that is so close to her, suddenly become a stranger? He would go for days not calling her. Ignoring her existence. Then suddenly contact her, apologizing with tears in his eyes, saying how stupid and sorry he was. So of course, she would run back to him, wanting the highs, which felt so good. This happened again and again. There was no stability. No reassurance. No security. No peace in the love. It was a never-ending dream. But more precisely, it was a never-ending nightmare.

I was listening to Claudia, trying to chew and swallow my Brie without chocking on it. Why go back to someone that hurts you so much? Over and over again! Why engage in such torturous emotional sadomasochism? Claudia said that their sex life was the best she ever had. She never experienced such Earth-shattering orgasms before. It was like a drug to her. Of course Sir Cuckoo knew how to treat her falsely well, keeping her inside this sick game. He was an emotional vampire. He sucked out her energy, goodness, strength, and light. Leaving her weak and drained every time he was finished with her. She was a victim, helpless to his evil charm.

There is a well-known Russian proverb, “In a quarrel, leave room for reconciliation.” I am always a believer in fighting for a relationship. However, with On-Off relationships, I believe in the “1-Chance-Dance” rule. Maybe 2 chances if he’s some special Prince Charming or an alien, but usually the “1-Chance-Dance” is enough. In Hollywood movies and books, these cyclical relationships are seen as something romantic, but in real life, they cause extreme pain and suffering. In my honest opinion, if the relationship doesn’t get better the second time around, most likely, it never will.

So why do we still hold on? Why do we try 3, 5 or 10 times again? Do we secretly enjoy the pain? After all, pain is a much stronger and deeper emotion than happiness. Did we get used to them, and do not want to be single again? Do we fear that we wont find anyone better? However, I would rather like to romanticize this concept, and say that we stay because we have faith in love, and do not want to lose hope. But the truth to the matter is that the other one either doesn’t want a serious relationship, or they are not that much into us. There is no love there, and deep down, we know this.

After the initial breakup, my advice is: 1. Figure out for yourself if you miss your partner, or are you happier without them. 2. If you are happier without them, then Hallelujah for you! Go out and flirt your sexy bum off. You deserve some fun after the torture! However, if you miss her/him like crazy, then you must try giving it the “1-Chance-Dance!” Meaning, get back together. 3. Once you get back together, chose a night where you are both relaxed, drink a delicious bottle of wine, and talk about everything! What bothered you, what would you like to change in the future. Be open to communication! 4. You must also step over your ego and accept criticism where you were wrong. Both must try to work on themselves in the future to make the relationship better. This is the hardest part! 5. If you succeed, then congratulations! This process can only be achieved if the love is true. If the same problems start allover again, then one or both did not make sufficient effort to improve the relationship. And most likely, you/they never will. So run as far away as you can, and don’t look back, because the devil will try to come and steal your heart again.

I guess the only way to escape such a relationship is to stay away from this torturous person. The best solution is to occupy yourself and meet with friends and family. What works well is to go out on dates and meet new people! This will give you a super confidence boost, and keep your mind off the devil. Believe me, as time goes by, the feeling and pain will start to fade away, and you wont be coming back to get hurt anymore. So love yourself, and be strong. My mom says, “It’s better to be single, than to be with the wrong person.”

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Finally I was able to do the “guy-walk” in this cowboy style that one always sees in wild-west movies. Legs spread apart, knees bent, shoulders wide, and ready to attack. I simply walked up to Ex Nr. 1, punched him as hard as I could, and got this sucker down on his knees. I assumed that his nose was broken because he was holding it with blood gushing out from all sides. The bastard had tears in his eyes. I had the appearance of a man, so he did not know who I am. He looked up at me, totally confused and bewildered. I looked pitifully at him and said, “No matter what you do, you will never escape. Karma will always find you, and bite you in the ass. This is for the women that you hurt in your past.” and I walked away. His few pathetic tears did not compare to the oceans that I cried for him.

Without hesitating, I did the same thing with Ex Nr. 2. Noses were punched, blood was lost, and karmas were set straight. After a hard day’s work of punching the Exes, it was time to eat an oversized burger, and try to attempt a loud male burp. That was quite enjoyable. As the sun was setting, I sat down to enjoy a large glass of beer outside. The women could not keep their eyes off of me! Could it possibly be this easy being a man?

As I was about to pay, a charming young woman sat down at the table beside me. She was in her beginning 30s, had shoulder-length blonde hair, striking turquoise eyes, and a characteristic bump on her nose. She smiled briefly at me and ordered a bloody mary. When her drink arrived, she lit up a slim cigarette, and smoked it slowly, looking dreamily onto the street. Her lips were full and sensual. I could smell her sweet perfume. It felt so thrilling being a man! I felt a tightening sensation in my pants. The penis really does have a mind of its own. When he wants to have fun, he is quite convincing – doing everything he can to get his target, slide under the sheets, get into the woman, release his juice, and fall asleep again. Yes, the glamorous life of the penis!

Suddenly I felt dizzy because it seemed as if all of the blood I had was rushing – rather quickly – into my new best friend, my spicy sausage. Her smell was filling up my lungs, and dominating my brain. I had to find out who she was. I turned to her and said, “Hello, how are you doing?” her face lit up with a smile, and she answered, “Carine”. We sat outside of the bar for two hours, talking about life and our funny adventures. She laughed at my joked and once in a while, innocently touched my arm. I wanted to get her into bed and rip the clothing off her body, but I didn’t know how to be a man! My penis was starting to swear at me. He was quite rude! But I managed to shut him up every time he forced himself to be noticed. This little/big guy is not always that easy to control. But being a woman in a man’s body, I blackmailed him telepathically, and he obeyed my commands. All of a sudden Carine got up, grabbed my hand and pulled me off my chair. She said that we were going to her flat. I did not argue, I just followed, curious as hell to see what it feels like to have sex as a man.

Her flat was beautiful, but somewhat strange. The curtains, furniture, decoration, carpet, wooden floor, pictures, books, candles, etc. were all white. I have never seen anything so minimalistic and mysterious before. It was like being in a dream. Was I dreaming? Was Carine real? Was I about to have sex with a woman? She went to slip into something more comfortable. I kept on adjusting my package. Damn those two round hanging penis extensions. They need to be adjusted quite often, and always get in the way. I was starting to miss the extra space and freedom between my legs!

Carine came back into the living room, half naked, hair messy and wild, with a huge smile of her face and two large glasses of wine. She put the glasses aside and sat on my lap, rubbing her behind on my crotch. She undressed me, and almost ripped my shirt off. She opened her eyes wide, telling me how big I was. She pushed her panties to the side and sat on me. She arched her back, pushed out her breasts towards me, squeezed her muscles in all the right places, and enjoyed the ride. I felt like I was shot out of this galaxy. Such an intense, yet foreign feeling. Every nerve in my body was awake. I forgot where I was, and what my name was. I was inside of a woman! That was just crazy! Carine was rotating her hips, throwing her hair all around, like a wild animal that broke out of the zoo. I grabbed her from behind and pulled her closer towards me. I had to feel the full length of my penis wrapped around in magic. We tried quite a few positions, tied our eyes, hands, untied everything again, and I felt the familiar shiver down my spine. I was so close. I felt the tingling hotness inside. The rocket-launch feeling again. 3..2..1. Lift off!! I was blown away! My entire body was shaking! The bed was wet all around her. The sex was phenomenal!

I woke up with the sun shining on my face. I was in my own bed. I looked under the blanket. Oh the joy! How I missed my lovely girl, and perky breasts! No more hairy feet. No more shifting of any balls. I felt so small and light. It was wonderful! Being a man is interesting, but nothing beats being a woman!

The next week, I met my girls at the Fressgassfest. One of them brought their friend along. It was Carine. We ordered a large bottle of cold prosecco, and she told us about a tall handsome asshole she met the week before. They had a special evening, but the bastard never called. I looked at her with an amused smile on my face, and said, “Carine, maybe this guy simply disappeared from the Earth?” She gave me an annoyed look and continued her story. I took a puff from my cigarette, looking dreamily away, and wondered, if I ever told my story, would they think I’ve gone insane? Yet after all, I knew where all of Carine’s hidden beauty marks were. Including her tattoo… in a very special place.

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On my way home on Friday night, I bumped into a curious old little man on the street. He looked at me, and his eyes were bright yellow. I jumped back, shocked by this weird vision. He smiled strangely at me and said, “Thy inquisitiveness has been noticed. Magic upon magic. Soul upon soul, from body to body, in your control. You have 2 and 4 hours.” And then he quickly walked away, almost as if he was floating. Usually in Frankfurt you would think that it’s one of the lovey local crack dealers pitching you a sales campaign. However, this man was different, almost as if he came from another dimension. I laughed about it, and went home to sleep.

I woke up on Saturday, but something felt different. I got up, and felt that I was taller! The floor looked further away than usual. My feet were huge, and hairy! I ran to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror, but on the way, I felt something big dangling between my legs. I took off my pants, looked down and was in total shock! Could I have still been sleeping? I pinched myself, and started screaming. Damn! I had so much strength in my hands, incredible! I got to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. In the reflection I saw a very handsome man. I had dark long hair, and deep blue eyes, with tiny sunshines around the irises. I guessed that I was about 2 meters tall, and 30 years old. My body was strong and muscular. The friend between my legs was quite impressive as well. I immediately had the urge to touch myself, almost like an automatic reaction. I looked into my eyes in the mirror and could not believe it. How could this possibly happen? I couldn’t stop looking at myself. I was drop-dead gorgeous! I was exactly the type of man the female me would fall for!

I went back to bed, almost hitting my head on the doorframe, laughing hysterically. Maybe if I would fall asleep again, and wake up, everything would be normal. Two hours later, I woke up with my right hand on my large hard penis. It was still there. I started rubbing it up and down, and it felt incredible! Instantly I understood why men are so fascinated by their penises! No wonder they touch it constantly! The penis is magical… endless upon endless hours of fun! I rubbed it harder and a bit faster, the sensation was incomparable to anything I have ever felt before. As I felt myself reaching an orgasm, it was like launching a rocket into space… 3, 2, 1 lift off! Wow! That was phenomenal! I did it again right after. This time with my left hand, but it felt strange, so I switched back to the right one. After my hot self-sex session, I was curious to see what it felt like to pee standing up. Bad idea. I couldn’t control the hose that well.

I went to get dressed and surprise surprise! Even my clothing was replaced with male ones! I put on a pair of tight black Boss boxer briefs, and moved my package to the left. Now I knew why men constantly shift their penises and testicles around. Strange, because it felt comfortable only in a certain way and position. The right side felt so unnatural to me. I was a leftie. Again, my hand reached down to my penis, which was growing by the second. It became as hard as metal! I got side tracked again for another hour. Finally I managed to leave my flat without touching my penis anymore.

I was a sexy man on a mission: 1. Walk around the city as a man, and flirt with women 2. Meet an attractive woman to have sex with, to see what it feels like as a man 3. Go to the guys who hurt me badly in the past, and beat the hell out of them!

As I walked down the street, I noticed how many women, and even some men were looking at me. It’s incredible how much attention a handsome man gets! It felt great flirting with beautiful women along the way. Just a little smile from me lit up their faces. Man, it’s so easy to be a guy! I don’t understand why men complain that they have it hard when flirting with women. It’s so simple. Be friendly, respectful, smile and say “Hello”. No need for cheesy pickup lines. I was being so bad. I was flirting with almost every woman that crossed my path. It was great! I felt such a power rush! Slowly I made my way to the bank where my ex boyfriend worked. It was time to show him what pain feels like. I know that violence doesn’t solve problems, but I couldn’t resist experiencing what it felt like being a guy and punching another guy, especially an asshole that hurt me so much! I knew where he ate his lunch. Same place everyday. How exciting. From a distance I saw him coming out of the restaurant. It was show time!

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Dear ladies, we live in a time when you can and should date like a man. You hear so many stories about men dating different girls in one week, and taking their time being single. Well, you know what? You can do the same thing without worrying about being called a slut. If the guys are considered “James Bond” because they date many women, well now consider yourself as the sexy “Catwoman” by having a few parallel handsome options as well!

Sorry gentlemen, but you pushed us into it. If you can date around, so can we. No, this doesn’t make us cheap. No, we don’t sleep with every man we go on a date with. Just like you, we would like to keep our options open in finding the very best for ourselves. Why should you gentlemen be the only ones who can enjoy a nice wine tasting without ruining your reputation? Well ladies, it’s time to go on a Champagne tasting adventure… if you know what I mean!

Jilli and Heather were enjoying their usual girl’s night out in the city. The sun was setting, and the weather was warm enough to walk around naked. The girls were sipping a gin tonic on the rooftop of a trendy Frankfurt lounge. It was filled with beautiful men and women, prancing around in their best outfits, waiting to get noticed. Of course many had their “Serious-Cool-Frankfurt-Faces” on, but deep inside they wanted to meet someone special – even though some would never admit this. Jilli was telling Heather a story of another new guy she met, went out with, and decided not to date anymore. Heather’s reaction was the same as usual. She screamed, “Jilli! Again?! But he was a good guy! Why don’t you give him a proper chance?” It’s not as if Jilli was turned off by “nice guys”. Quite the opposite actually. Jilli did want a good, caring, sweet, honest, charming man – but the one that she would click with.

“Aha Man” was not the right one for her. Jilli did not feel the passion and chemistry – the “Click”. She knew deep in the bottom of her stomach that he was not the one! All her friends, including Heather, thought that she was crazy for not dating him. They couldn’t understand why. However, Jilli knew that the right one will come. She had faith. She believed in fairytales. She decided to continue dating other men. Exactly three weeks after, on a boat in Frankfurt, she met her true love. Had she not listened to her gut feeling, and stayed with Aha Man, she would not be free and open to meet her true love.

Back at the lounge with Heather, three weeks before the boat evening, Jilli attempted to convince her girlfriend that women should try dating like men. Jilli was dating like a man. She liked meeting new people and enjoyed the evenings out. She wanted to have fun! She did not sleep with them all. She simply went out with the men she met, in order to find out if any of them were the right ones. Unfortunately they were not. Heather couldn’t understand that. Heather believed in dating for weeks and weeks, and then realizing that the man was not a good match. Heather wasted her time, nerves, money and patience on the wrong men. Giving someone a chance is good, but when it’s obvious that the connection is wrong, why continue and torture each other?

Girls take your time and date. Do not worry what people think of you. I always say that one must chose wisely and make a good decision about whom they marry. Dating more men will show you what you want, and don’t want in a partner. Consider it like gathering information by reading many books, and taking cars out for a test drive, until you find the car you want. If women would not be judged by society for dating like men, would we do it more often? Why do women get labeled “easy”, when all they want is to meet a nice guy, and not waste any time with the wrong one? I say bloody hell to all of those people that label you! Go ahead and date as many men as you like – even at the same time – until you meet the right one.

Of course dating around also means that you get to have wild, pulse-stopping sexcapades and exciting adventures, all over the city. However, I would advise you to keep this to yourself. Not everyone will understand, and not everyone will be happy for you. There is a lot of jealousy out there, so you do not need to attract this evil into your life. People love to judge and gossip. Tell your best friend, but for the rest, you should stay a mystery.

Girls, date around like a man. Live and love, do what makes you happy. Do what’s good for you. As long as you are respectful to others and your body, then you are good. The only one that can judge you, is you. So please, do not be so hard on yourself. We have reached a time when the world has gone a bit “cuckoo”. Do you want to stay with a crazy man that will make your life insane? No. Do you want to waste time on some player that doesn’t even know he has a living beating heart inside of his own body? No. So do yourself a favor and date a few different men, until you meet the one that’s right for you. If they can do it, then why the hell can’t we? After all, girls should want to have fun! So go ahead, you have my blessing.

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It brings me joy to see that we are living in a time where people are taking care of themselves. We practice healthy lifestyles. We watch what we eat, buy organic food, take care of our bodies, and do yoga for the soul. However, it seems that one huge part is being neglected. The healthier the world is becoming, the more messed up our relationships are.

When was the last time you heard from friends how happy and healthy their relationships are? It’s time to create a magical organic love yogurt. As soon as it’s eaten, people become instantly enlightened that cheating is disgusting, lying destroys, and flirting with someone else’s husband is a very bad thing! Come on organic food companies; give us this magical yogurt already!

Speaking of healthy, or rather, unhealthy relationships, I have three stories for you. My friend Jilli was forced to go to a grungy hippie party. She was the only one wearing heels there, so it was looks all around when she came in. Drinking was the only way to survive this thing, so she went to the bar. On her way, she bumped into a guy that was not her type. Blonde hair – not in the cleanest state, average height, wearing a ragged hoodie. Their eyes locked, and she felt a strange rough passion build up inside her. She felt the wetness between her legs, and the flush on her cheeks. “Mattress-Guy”, who is in the Frankfurt advertising world, said hello. One thing led to another, and they ended up outside, kissing wildly. They dated the weeks after, and Jilli invited him to an event she organized. He came, and brought her a little good luck present, which was a sweet gesture. Unfortunately while Jilli was not looking, he exchanged numbers with a beautiful model, who happens to be Jilli’s friend. A week after, Mattress-Guy and Jilli went for dinner and he told her that he wrote the model. Jilli felt the familiar pain in her stomach. This meant that she already fell for him. Son-of-a-!! He admitted he made a mistake and promised to have eyes only for her. Jilli knew that he was lying, but could not break up with him. She wanted him so much, and needed their hot passionate sex! She shut her eyes on this situation, and they continued dating. Jilli kept on having horror dreams about Mattress-Guy giving it hard to the model. A few weeks after, they were supposed to go on a ski trip to St. Moritz. Jilli came over to Mattress-Guy’s flat, all prepared for the drive. He looked at her, and simply said that she is not going, because he is taking a friend instead. Jilli ran out of there, loosing her wits on her run home over the river Main. He tried to get Jilli back, but she avoided the danger. She hated him – but was secretly still in love with him! What a messed up character he is. Mattress-Guy still hurts innocent women in Frankfurt. Even the magical organic love yogurt will not help him anymore. He is a lost soul.

A second good friend of mine, Heather Klein, was dating a guy (Mad Hatter) on and off for a few years. A friend introduced them; let’s call her “She Monster.” Heather knew that She Monster dated the crazy Mad Hatter long ago, and was quite surprised that she introduced them. Things began quite well. She Monster was encouraging them to date, and “appeared” genuinely happy for them. After a while, heather noticed that something was not right. The She Monster became very vicious to her, suddenly pushing the Mad Hatter away from Heather. He was slowly turning into an evil creature. It seemed that he was either possessed by the devil, or had a loose screw. Little did she know, that the screw was extremely loose! One day the Mad Hatter disappeared into thin air and did not contact Heather for weeks. Worried to death, she did not know what to do. Poor Heather cried the entire time! The Mad hatter reappeared in Frankfurt a few weeks later, with a new Princess of Darkness by his side, freshly brainwashed out of a clinic. A few months later, the princess was seen renting a room alone, and the Mad Hatter was on the hunt for Heather again. This dark evil soul did not release her. Until one day, Heather decided that enough is enough! Finally she closed the chapter in her Alice in Wonderland story.

The third story from the cuckoo closet: Claudia dated a “Wanna-be-bad-a**-fake-over-the-hill-rocker”. She met him at a chic club-opening event, go figure! They hit it off well, and she enjoyed running around with a pseudo rebel-looking guy beside her. He was quite charming to her. He treated her to nice dinners, and they enjoyed spending time together. Claudia thought that maybe they could actually have a future together! One evening they went to a glamorous fashion event in Frankfurt, and her friend took photos and posted them on Facebook. A few days after, Claudia received a call from an acquaintance of hers. He wanted to talk to her, and so they met for lunch. After the bill was paid, he dropped the bomb on her. Apparently the pseudo rocker is his ex’s boyfriend! They even live together. Claudia thought that she will die on the spot. Her heart was shattered by the silver bullet that just hit her! Claudia called the balding pseudo rocker, and asked if this was true. His answer was quite simple: “Yes, I have a girlfriend, but what does this have to do with us?” He didn’t understand why Claudia was so heartbroken! Furthermore, he was angry that his girlfriend found out, and that he had to deal with drama at home. Pure insanity.

It’s harder to find a healthy relationship than a healthy junkie on the street. Maybe this health-craze has made us all insane? We worry so much about our jobs, and the scare of living “healthy”, that we neglect the very basic human need for healthy relationships. Who the hell is completely physically and psychologically healthy these days? You can see a perfectly toned man at the gym, but inside his heart and soul might be rotten like Lucifer himself. Same goes for the female version. So let’s throw out the fake, over-priced organic bananas, and start being healthy from the inside out: by choosing healthy relationships, and being happy! It’s still out there, true love does exist! I am not one to play “Know-It-All”, because I write from experience. Why? Because one of the above stories is mine… can you guess which one it is? ;-)

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