It was a rainy Sunday, and I was enjoying a delicious breakfast with my girlfriends at a cute French pastry shop downtown. The girls were sipping their Cappuccinos, and eating croissants with fruits. I was the only one who had croissants, additionally to my large plate of soft French cheeses, eggs, marmalade, and a pain au chocolat to top it all off. Did I mention that this was my second breakfast? Food is my second big love. He is comforting, exotic, delicious, and I definitely have a full-time “on” relationship with him.
As I was busy scooping the cheese into my mouth, I was listening to Claudia’s story about her Sir Cuckoo. They have been together for about three years. Some months were spent happy with plenty of adventures, cuddling and laughter. The months in between were dark and bitter, like my coffee, which needed an urgent dosage of sugar. Claudia told us that with Sir Cuckoo, the highs were very high. She felt like a queen beside him. He adored her, and wanted to spend every waking moment with her. They had deep, intense, bonding conversations until the morning hours. She said that they had a unique spiritual bond. She felt that he was her soulmate.
However, the lows were excruciatingly low! He would suddenly change towards her. Almost as if becoming a completely different person. During these phases, he was cold, distant and careless towards Claudia. This caused her tremendous grief. It felt like he was tearing her heart out of her body, cutting it in half with rusty scissors, throwing both pieces on the dirty floor and stepping on them until they turn into a bloody paste. In other words, he was killing her. She could not understand how can someone that is so close to her, suddenly become a stranger? He would go for days not calling her. Ignoring her existence. Then suddenly contact her, apologizing with tears in his eyes, saying how stupid and sorry he was. So of course, she would run back to him, wanting the highs, which felt so good. This happened again and again. There was no stability. No reassurance. No security. No peace in the love. It was a never-ending dream. But more precisely, it was a never-ending nightmare.
I was listening to Claudia, trying to chew and swallow my Brie without chocking on it. Why go back to someone that hurts you so much? Over and over again! Why engage in such torturous emotional sadomasochism? Claudia said that their sex life was the best she ever had. She never experienced such Earth-shattering orgasms before. It was like a drug to her. Of course Sir Cuckoo knew how to treat her falsely well, keeping her inside this sick game. He was an emotional vampire. He sucked out her energy, goodness, strength, and light. Leaving her weak and drained every time he was finished with her. She was a victim, helpless to his evil charm.
There is a well-known Russian proverb, “In a quarrel, leave room for reconciliation.” I am always a believer in fighting for a relationship. However, with On-Off relationships, I believe in the “1-Chance-Dance” rule. Maybe 2 chances if he’s some special Prince Charming or an alien, but usually the “1-Chance-Dance” is enough. In Hollywood movies and books, these cyclical relationships are seen as something romantic, but in real life, they cause extreme pain and suffering. In my honest opinion, if the relationship doesn’t get better the second time around, most likely, it never will.
So why do we still hold on? Why do we try 3, 5 or 10 times again? Do we secretly enjoy the pain? After all, pain is a much stronger and deeper emotion than happiness. Did we get used to them, and do not want to be single again? Do we fear that we wont find anyone better? However, I would rather like to romanticize this concept, and say that we stay because we have faith in love, and do not want to lose hope. But the truth to the matter is that the other one either doesn’t want a serious relationship, or they are not that much into us. There is no love there, and deep down, we know this.
After the initial breakup, my advice is: 1. Figure out for yourself if you miss your partner, or are you happier without them. 2. If you are happier without them, then Hallelujah for you! Go out and flirt your sexy bum off. You deserve some fun after the torture! However, if you miss her/him like crazy, then you must try giving it the “1-Chance-Dance!” Meaning, get back together. 3. Once you get back together, chose a night where you are both relaxed, drink a delicious bottle of wine, and talk about everything! What bothered you, what would you like to change in the future. Be open to communication! 4. You must also step over your ego and accept criticism where you were wrong. Both must try to work on themselves in the future to make the relationship better. This is the hardest part! 5. If you succeed, then congratulations! This process can only be achieved if the love is true. If the same problems start allover again, then one or both did not make sufficient effort to improve the relationship. And most likely, you/they never will. So run as far away as you can, and don’t look back, because the devil will try to come and steal your heart again.
I guess the only way to escape such a relationship is to stay away from this torturous person. The best solution is to occupy yourself and meet with friends and family. What works well is to go out on dates and meet new people! This will give you a super confidence boost, and keep your mind off the devil. Believe me, as time goes by, the feeling and pain will start to fade away, and you wont be coming back to get hurt anymore. So love yourself, and be strong. My mom says, “It’s better to be single, than to be with the wrong person.”