healthy relationship

Do you deserve true love?
Do you deserve true love? 1080 530 Galia Brener

We live in a time surrounded by high-tech gadgets and artificial intelligence, yet the one thing that still confuses mankind is the concept of “true love”. The big problem is that people tend to blame each other, but do they look within themselves to figure out what their own flaws are? No wonder the aliens haven’t arrived yet. The silly humans can’t deal with their own crap, let alone ET.

So now is the moment of truth…

Do you have the guts to admit to any of the questions below?

Do you always like to be right and win an argument? Do you always want to be in control? Is your opinion always the right one, because you think you know better? Do you let your emotions control you and create dramas? Do you make a big deal out of small things? Do you like to argue? Is it hard for you to compromise? Do you feel that people don’t understand you? Are you holding onto disappointment, pain or an ex from the past? Do you have fear of rejection? Do you lose your temper often? Do you get angry fast? Are you hard to get along with? Do you take people for granted? Do you get offended or hurt easily by what people say? Are you too sensitive or not sensitive enough? Are you greedy? Are you selfish and egoistic? Do you use people? Are you a cheater? Do you lie to get your way? Do you play with people’s feelings? Do you speak bad about and hurt others? Do you only take and not give back? Do you overanalyze? Are you a pessimist? Are you jealous? The list goes on and on.

At least 4 of the above questions used to affect me, until one day I decided to be brutally honest with myself and stop this torture. My own foolish behavior was hurting me. I decided to work on myself to become a better person, and give true love a chance to find me and enrich my life.

No one is born perfect, but we must work on ourselves in order to deserve true love.

Life is about learning and growing. I call it self-evolution.

1. Learn from your mistakes: Look back at all your relationships and figure out the pattern. Where have you been wrong? What could you have done better? Perhaps you have chosen the wrong partners? Don’t always date the same “types” – try meeting different kind of people. Be honest with yourself and see what you did wrong in the past. Work on yourself and evolve. Do not repeat your mistakes. If you were or still are an asshole, work on yourself to change and become a better person. It’s never ever too late to become a good human being!

2. Open up your heart to love again: I know this is one of the hardest things to do, especially if you have been hurt in the past! This takes a lot of strength and courage. Many people tend to become cynical and bitter after they have been hurt. However, only the strong can get up, dust themselves off and have the courage to open up to love again. Fact is: if you wont open up anymore, you will never have a chance to meet your true love. We have all been hurt, but would you rather be safe and stay alone, or take a leap of faith and meet someone wonderful?

3. Surround yourself with positive people that are seeking out the good in life: We all have those friends that love to complain about how bad their life is, or how awful men are. Please stay away from such negative people and their dramas! These “friends” influence a negative thinking pattern that you are a victim to bad men/women that will only want to hurt you. Instead, surround yourself with happy, strong, positive and life-loving people. They might even have a good friend to set you up with. Implant your mind with positive thinking patterns!

4. No desperation: Being  desperate is the key to failure, hurt and pain. Even if you have been single for years, do not date someone that is bad to you, just for the sake of being in a relationship! Be honest with yourself – is s/he good for you? I always say, better single and happy, than with a partner that makes you feel miserable!

Communicate your needs, thoughts and feelings. S/he is not a psychic. If something is bothering you, say it. Even if you think it’s embarrassing, say it. Do not be afraid to loose him/her. If it’s true love, you will not lose them. You will only gain their respect by being able to talk about and sharing your thoughts, opinions and problems.

The trick to finding true love is by first working on yourself and making sure that you truly deserve it. It’s always easy to point fingers at others, but look at yourself first! Believe me, I have gone through this self-evolution process as well. Once you have the guts to face the truth and work on your flaws to become a better person, true love will find you! Good luck.

 

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Arguing with your love – can you apologize first?
Arguing with your love – can you apologize first? 1080 530 Galia Brener

I had a long conversation with my friend Heather last week. She had a stupid fight with her man because of a small thing. The problem is that when she is in the heat of the moment, she only sees red. Reason and sensibility are thrown out of the window. At the end of the argument, he told her that he is usually the one who restores the harmony after a fight. This time, he did not want to be the first one to apologize again! He felt like an idiot that was always running to her, so he decided to leave their flat to clear his mind.

After he left, Heather did not know what to do. She felt sick to her stomach. She hated when they parted in anger and sadness. This left her with a feeling of helplessness and pain. She stayed in bed all Saturday morning, crying and sleeping in between. If was afternoon and he hasn’t called her yet. Usually he would have tried to call her at least 3 times, trying to make amends. But this time was different. Nothing came from him and this scared her. She did not want to lose him, because she loved him more than anyone else in the world. Heather called me in the evening, and I could hear the pain and panic in her voice. I quickly came over, equipped with wine and snacks, and we sat down to make a plan.

The plan was quite simple. It was up to her to apologize first this time. I asked her, “Heather, would you rather be right, or be happy?” She had to let go of always wanting to be “right”. Why is there always a need to win every argument? This only makes the fight last longer. The good thing is that they did not continue their argument after he left via digital communication. No bad words on WhatsApp, and no hurtful emails. This saved many sentences that both could have regret later. Is it worth to damage your love because of a meaningless argument and an ego that is too proud to compromise? No! Have we become such an ego-dominated society, that we are willing to lose our partner instead of being the first to apologize or make peace?

I advised Heather to send him a photo of her, with a sweet kiss and heart to break the initial ice. It worked like a charm. He called her back within a few minutes. He was colder than usual at first, but she went in with a mission to melt his heart. She told him that no matter what happens, she loves him very much, and he is the only one for her. She was sweet and loving on the phone. He became much warmer towards the end of the phone call. They hung up and I finally saw the beautiful smile on her face again. It worked!

When he came home, she was waiting for him with open arms. She jumped on him and kissed him all over. This made him very happy. That same night they had some drinks and an open talk. She said that he is very important to her, and she does not want to lose him and their special love. She promised to let go of small things, not hang onto words, to listen and communicate better. He promised to be more patient to her, and work on his communication skills as well. He said that her sudden reconciliatory behavior surprised him, because he was always the one to apologize first. She made the right choice, and her actions showed him that she is willing to work on herself, and their relationship.

If we truly love our partner, why is it so hard to apologize or make peace first? There are a few different reasons that stop us: The Ego. Our evil “best-friend”. It will always try to convince you that you are right. The Ego will try to tell you that making the first move after a fight shows dependency and weakness. The Ego also thinks that apologizing first will make you lose the upper hand and also the control in the relationship. The most ridiculous thing that the small pathetic Ego thinks: apologizing to your partner first is like being the “loser” and the person receiving the apology is the “winner.” How crazy is that? Do we want this small invisible creature to control us and destroy our relationships?

Some people stay completely in denial. They think if they do not “admit” that they are wrong, then in reality they are not actually wrong! They completely ignore and drown their problems. Worse of all, are the people who do not have empathy. These are the careless, cold, heartless people who do not care about others. These are the players, the bad boys/girls, the ones who only do things for their own satisfaction and benefit. If this is the case, then run as fast and far away as possible from them. They will never take responsibility for their actions, and continue hurting you over and over again. These are the dark lost souls that will never know what love really is.

If you truly love and care about your partner, then go to them and make peace. Life is short, and every second wasted being angry can be spent enjoying each other and making love. Even if you were not wrong, you can still sometimes be the first one to make peace. If they love you, they will appreciate this gesture and learn from it. If you see that your partner takes your apologies for granted, then they are not the right one for you. If this is real love, then you will both benefit from the apology and peace. The best way to do that is to ask yourself if being right is more important than having a strong connection with your partner? It’s important to stand up for yourself when being “truly” attacked. But it is more important to be able to let the small things go! Be smart, kill the ego and save the love.

 

‪#‎RelationshipGoals‬ ‪#‎love‬ ‪#‎happy‬ ‪#‎healthyrelationship‬

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Ego kills love!
Ego kills love! 960 960 Galia Brener

Hello, my name is Ego, and I am here to destroy your relationships. I am your best friend, and in fact, I am you! Let me teach you our rules: you better damn know that we are always right! They hurt us, so we must punish them by becoming distant, cold, and letting them suffer. Let’s stay mad, and not talk to them for a few days, see how they feel about that! That will teach them a big lesson, and make them crawl back to us, begging for forgiveness. I am the best, smartest, most intelligent, fantastic thing that exists. I am the EGO after all! My way of doing things is always the best. Everyone must do things my way, because I am a control freak! I must warn you about our enemy “Love”. Being your ego, I want what’s best for you. I take care of you, and make sure you are always protected against the enemy. Love is very tricky. Love always wants me to listen to the other side of the story, and also admit when I am wrong! Can you believe it?! Love requires a strange thing called “compromising”. It’s totally beneath me. I do not do compromising since my opinion is the right one, why should I agree with anyone else? They must only agree with me! If Love doesn’t understand that, then she can drown herself in the toilet. I will be happy to push the handle and watch her flush down, where she belongs. My name is EGO, and I am the only one who truly cares about you. I want the best for you! I adore always saying “I”, since “I” am the center of the Universe!

 

Sounds funny right? Unfortunately, that’s what happens in the minds of most people, including yours. Maybe not to such a drastic extent, but everyone’s Ego has gotten in the way of their happiness, at least once in their lives. 

 

My friend Cindy told me a story about her boyfriend. They loved each other very much. Unfortunately after a few months, both started having problems with their jobs. This stressed them out, and made them fight. They had long talks, and Cindy realized what her mistakes were. She wanted to compromise and make the necessary steps to heal the relationship. She loved him more than the air she breathed. He continued to be cold and distant, even though she made such a huge effort to come towards him, and understand him. She opened her heart to him, and explained why these problems occurred, because she waned them to find a path together for the future. Cindy managed to step over her ego, and did all she could to save the relationship. His mistakes also created problems and fights, but he wouldn’t admit it. With horror, she realized, “How can a man suddenly turn off his love and emotions towards her, when he supposedly loved her so much?” And then the bitter truth struck her. He never did truly love her. A man that genuinely loves his woman is happy when she wants to make compromises, and save the relationship. Everyone is different when entering a relationship, and only compromises can save true love. Throwing something away is quite easy. His ego and pride were standing in his way. He couldn’t see beyond, and it made him weak. Due to this, he lost the person that loved him more than anyone ever did or will. He will realize this as time goes by, when sadness and regret settle deep in his broken heart. By then, it will be too late.

 

To be able to “truly” love, you must drop the ego. The Ego knows no difference between male or female. We all have this evil inside of us. The Ego sticks its wicked claws into the person, controls them, and usually ruins their loves and lives. It must be controlled and not given any power! For example feeling jealousy, or feeling the need to argue with your partner until s/he admits that you are right. These fights usually occur about minor issues, and during times of stress. You might think that the other is taking advantage of you, and your point of view is less important then theirs. My advice to you is, don’t sweat the small stuff, simply let it go! You cannot always be right. What helps is resisting the temptation to always feel the need to defend yourself. This is actually the Ego defending itself. The Ego will win the argument, but you can lose your partner. Think about it, is this situation worth losing your loved one?

 

After this initial reaction to a fight, there is sometimes a need to continue punishing the partner. He hurt you, and therefore must pay the price for this. You give him/her the silent treatment, creating mountains of distance between you two. Who will write or call first? How long will you continue to treat your partner this way after the argument? Until the love completely dies? Actually, you are also hurting yourself in the process of this unnecessary harsh treatment. 

 

You must learn to agree to disagree! Learn to compromise! After arguments, the Ego will always try to trick you with doubts, fear, self-defence, re-thinking/evaluating the relationship, thinking “This doesn’t make me happy anymore, I need to protect myself and get out now!” The cold brutal rationality kills any feeling of love that you both established before. There will be fights once in a while, but you must be ready to let the issue go, or not only give blame, but also take blame upon yourself. Even Soul Mates are challenged with fights, in order to determine if their love for each other is real and strong. Be brave and tame your Ego. Build your own inner strength! This will not humiliate you, quite the opposite actually, this will make you strong and brave! How much longer do you want to be a slave to your Ego? If you are not willing to adjust to each other and work together on your relationship, then do yourself and your heart a favor, do not fall in love at all.

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Break your dating pattern – try something new!
Break your dating pattern – try something new! 841 1065 Galia Brener

I have a confession to make. When I go to my favorite Thai restaurant, I order my favorite appetizer, with my favorite main dish, and drink my favorite juice. It’s been like that for the last two years. I always order the same thing, over and over again. Subconsciously I’m convinced that my “favorite” thing is also the “best” thing for me, but is this really true? Can it be that we are dating like Thai food orders, and always choosing the same “type” of person to date?

 

Why do I choose this same pattern? I order the same dish because I know that it will always taste good. The taste does not vary much, so I know that I will always be satisfied. Last week as I was standing in line to place my order, a small mischievous devil popped upon my right shoulder and whispered into my ear, “Galia, come on, be wild and order something new for once! It’s so damn boring!” Of course I was waiting for the lovely mini angel to pop upon my left shoulder and present a counter argument, but mysteriously, it did not! I thought, what the hell, I’ll live a little and be daring. I ordered a completely different exotic thing. I sat in anticipation to walk on the wild side, and waited for my meal. It finally arrived. The smell was magnificent, and the taste was even better! I was pleasantly surprised that there exists an even better option than my beloved Pad Thai, which I have been eating for years!

 

What stopped me from “ordering” something different, was the doubt and fear that something else might not taste as good as what I’m used to, which would lead to disappointment. Then the little voice in the head would say, “You see? You should have taken what you know would be good!” But without risking something new, you cannot encounter different tastes, experiences and pleasures in life. Similar to liking the same foods, we are also the same dating victims. We are so used to dating the same types, and also getting hurt in a similar pattern, that for us it has become almost “normal”! I only know a few friends that date completely random type of men and women, but most are drawn to the same character. We are restricting ourselves with our pattern of similar choices. I think it’s time to order something completely different on the “dating menu”, and enjoy the exquisite, unique taste and adventures!

 

My friend Gloria is the perfect example for this. Ever since I could remember, she was attracted to the bad boys. She called them the heartbreakers that she hated to love, and loved to hate. They didn’t look alike, but they had one major thing in common, they all hurt her. These men shared a certain kind of mystery and nonchalant attitude that kept her coming back. They were all creative types, with the same clothing style and designer flats, with pseudo intellectual friends, and a desperate desire to be alternatively cool. It was as if she was dating the same man over and over again. The last advertising agency owner she dated traded her in for younger tall brunette with big blue eyes, and other big things. Gloria felt humiliated and devastated! It was finally time for an immediate change.

 

A few weeks later, she went to Gibson with her best girlfriend, and had a fabulous evening there. They were drinking delicious cocktails, dancing and chatting with friends. As Gloria went to the bar to order drinks, a guy on her right side smiled and said hello. She smiled back, but was not interested in him. He was definitely not her type, but they continued talking while the drinks were being made. He was actually quite funny, and made her laugh. As she was leaving, he asked for her number. She hesitated, but her friend gave it to him. He was half a head shorter than her, soft around the belly, came from a conservative family, and was a banker with a funny and easy-going attitude. He was the exact opposite of all her ex boyfriends! She avoided him for a while, but he did not give up, until finally they met. The date was nice, and she felt like she could be herself with him. It took her some time to open and warm up to him. However, one date turned into more dates, which turned into a long-term relationship, which now turned into a fabulous engagement party. She has never been happier in her life!

 

Gloria is smart. She realized that something had to change if she wanted to be happy. Most of us are responsible for our own happiness or miseries because of the partner we choose and stay with. A good friend of mine once told me “Galia, it’s up to us to choose well for our future.” If you see that your dating pattern is bad for you, then make an immediate change! Take your friends to a completely different bar, in another city part that you usually hang out in, with different music and new people. Do something you don’t usually do on the weekends. Go out and try new things. New galleries, museums, gym, book or food stores, etc. You need a change of scene and environment. Break away from the old chain that constantly gets your into emotional trouble. It’s time to stop eating the same Pad Thai! Why not choose your next love be a completely different character than you are normally used to? You might be very surprised, and find your true love and happiness with someone that is grateful and appreciative to have you! After all, don’t you deserve the very best?

 

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Commitment Phobia
Commitment Phobia 1200 400 Galia Brener

Welcome to an era where some people think that being single is a luxury. Whereas marriage with children for them is considered as slavery, or even worse, a prison sentence! My single friends say that commitment has become an old-fashioned theory of the past. What is happening to our society and why are people so scared of the “C” word? Could it be that in the near future, we will only be able to read about commitment in history books?

 

My friend Gloria was dating an executive director of a very well known bank in Frankfurt. They met at the JFK bar of the magnificent Villa Kennedy hotel. He was sitting at the opposite end of the bar with his colleagues and she was there with her best friend. “Tony” is a very powerful and well-known man in this city, but Gloria didn’t know who he was. They hit it off right away, talking about travel, culture and art. She was very opinionated and had a lot to say – that amused him very much. She was a hot little firecracker, he thought. He took her out to lovely restaurants and treated her to delicious food and wine. He tried his moves on her, but Gloria didn’t want it to go too fast. She always made the same mistake in the past by sleeping with men too soon. However with this one, she decided to take her time. Tony was very turned on by this. The more she said no, the more he wanted her. Four weeks later she decided to finally sleep with him. After a long romantic dinner, they went back to his flat. They hardly made it upstairs and started undressing each other in the small antique elevator. She accidentally ripped his shirt buttons and her friskiness drove him wild! They had sex three times that night, and stayed up until the morning hours, talking about life, love, honor and adventures. She felt at ease beside him. He caressed her and his gentle touch confirmed his feelings towards her. She left his flat the next day skipping and singing, elated with happiness!

 

She waited for his call that evening, but her phone did not ring. They met a few days later, but she felt that everything has drastically changed. There was no more romance or effort on his part. She felt it was over and this feeling made her sick to her stomach. He was cold, distant and even a bit mean to her. Gloria called me crying desperately. “Why?!” she asked. “What did I do wrong?” She said they had such nice deep conversations, shared secrets and dreams, had so much in common and had such fun together. She thought that he might be “The One”. She was devastated. She couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. She felt so hurt and betrayed, but worse of all, she felt used. Gloria is a great woman – she’s smart, attractive, warm, funny and very feminine. What the hell was wrong with Tony and why did he do this to her? A few weeks ago he looked her straight in the eyes, saying how much he liked her. But month later, she saw him with three different women. Is Tony simply an asshole, or is there another reason behind his disgusting behavior?

 

What is the real reason behind fear of commitment? I came up with three possibilities:

 

1. People are looking for “the next best thing.” Some people have a constant sick need for something bigger, better, sexier, richer, funnier, skinnier, curvier, younger… more more more! Since everything is offered by the masses these days – like on Tinder – there are limitless possibilities and temptations everywhere, so people think to themselves “Could I do better?”. There is nothing wrong with searching for the right one, but to the temporary “place holders” you are dating, you might actually be their dream partner! Therefore tell them right away so that you don’t hurt and damage them! For the ones suffering in this situation, open your eyes to the truth. It happened to me before and I know it hurts like hell, but you can’t force love. Don’t you want someone who truly loves you, and not someone that you have to run after and feel stupid doing so? Respect yourself and know your worth. Move on.

 

2. People have been hurt badly in the past and are scared to go through that pain again. What about, “No risk, no love”? Getting hurt is a bitch, but we have all been there. (Some like myself, even more than once). I tell my friends to find their courage and get back into the boxing… or rather, dating ring. It’s a 50/50 chance to get beaten up again, or come out as a champion with the love of your life beside you. You must allow yourself to have another chance in love. Don’t turn into a victim full of anger and bitterness. Lick your wounds, gather your strength and go back out there again!

 

3. People want to simply enjoy the sex buffet with no strings attached. The Internet offers lots of fresh meat… oops, I mean flirts and dates, everywhere. When going out, some even offer themselves on a platter, “Take me, take me!” If you want to enjoy the sex buffet, it’s your right to do so. But let the person know in advance and don’t give them false hopes of a future together – don’t hurt people, be fair and honest! Don’t do what Tony did to Gloria.

 

If you want a serious long-term relationship, stay away from the people with the a­­bove mentioned symptoms. These “illnesses” do not have an over-the-counter cure. Fear of commitment is extremely difficult to cure! My advice is to listen to your gut feeling. Put on your magic glasses, and look carefully through the “Lens of Truth”. Play Sherlock Holmes, and pay attention to the small things they say or do, because the truth always comes out. Don’t be fooled by their words – actions speak louder than words – so pay close attention to their deeds. Also look carefully at how they act around their family, friends, animals, children and elderly people. Take your time to get to know them better before offering your beating heart.

 

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On-Off Relationship Horror
On-Off Relationship Horror 1200 400 Galia Brener

It was a rainy Sunday, and I was enjoying a delicious breakfast with my girlfriends at a cute French pastry shop in downtown Frankfurt. The girls were sipping their Cappuccinos, and eating croissants with fruits. I was the only one who had croissants, additionally to my large plate of soft French cheeses, eggs, marmalade, and a pain au chocolat to top it all off. Did I mention that this was my second breakfast?

 

As I was busy scooping the cheese into my mouth, I was listening to Heather’s story about her “Sir Crazy”. They have been together for about three years. Some months were spent happy with plenty of adventures, cuddling and laughter. The months in between were dark and bitter, like my coffee, which needed an urgent dose of sugar. Heather told us that with Sir Crazy, the highs were very high and she felt like a queen beside him. He adored her and wanted to spend every waking moment with her. They had deep, intense, bonding conversations until the morning hours. She said that they had a unique spiritual bond. She felt that he was her soulmate.

 

However, the lows were excruciatingly low! He would suddenly change towards her. Almost as if becoming a completely different person. During these phases, he was cold, distant and careless towards Heather, and this caused her tremendous grief. It felt like he was tearing her heart out of her body, cutting it in half with rusty scissors, throwing both pieces on the dirty floor and stepping on them until they turn into a bloody paste. In other words, he was killing her inside. She could not understand how can someone that is so close to her, suddenly become a stranger? He would go for days not calling her. Ignoring her existence. Then suddenly contact her, apologizing with tears in his eyes, saying how stupid and sorry he was. So of course, she would run back to him, wanting the highs again. This happened again and again. There was no stability. No reassurance. No security. No peace in this love. It was a never-ending dream. But more precisely, it was a never-ending nightmare.

 

I was listening to Heather, trying to chew and swallow my Brie without chocking on it. Why go back to someone that hurts you so much – over and over again! Why engage in such torturous emotional sadomasochism? Heather said that their sex life was the best she ever had. She never experienced such Earth-shattering orgasms before. He was like a drug to her. Sir Crazy knew how to blind her with his fake good behavior, which kept her inside this sick game. He was an emotional vampire. He sucked out her energy, goodness, strength and light. Leaving her weak and drained every time he was finished with her.

 

There is a well-known Russian proverb, “In a quarrel, leave room for reconciliation.” I am always a believer in fighting for a relationship. However, with On-Off relationships, I believe in the “1-Chance-Dance” rule. Maybe 2 chances if he’s some special Prince Charming or an alien, but usually the “1-Chance-Dance” is enough. In movies and books, on-off relationships are seen as something romantic, but in real life, they cause extreme pain and suffering.

 

Why do we still hold on? Why do we try 3, 5 or 10 times again? Do we secretly enjoy the pain? After all, pain is a much stronger and deeper emotion than happiness. Did we get used to them, and do not want to be single again? Do we fear that we wont find anyone better? Or do we stay because we simply love them so much? (Ask yourself: How can you love someone so much that causes you such pain again and again?) Most likely things do not get better.

 

After the initial breakup, my advice is: 1. Figure out for yourself if you miss your partner, or are you happier without them? 2. If you are happier without them, then Hallelujah for you! Go out and flirt your sexy bum off. You deserve some fun after the torture! However, if you miss her/him like crazy, then you must try giving it the “1-Chance-Dance!” and get back together. 3. Once you get back together, chose a night where you are both relaxed, drink a delicious bottle of wine, and talk about everything! What bothered you, what would you like to change in the future. Be open to communication! 4. You must also step over your ego and accept criticism where you were wrong. Both must try to work on themselves in the future to make the relationship better. This is the hardest part! 5. If you succeed, then congratulations! This process can only be achieved if the love is real on both sides! If the same problems start again, then one or both did not make sufficient effort to improve the relationship – and most likely, you/they never will. In this case, run as far away as you can, and don’t look back.

 

The only way to escape such a relationship is to stay away from this torturous person. Zero contact is the only way. The best solution is to occupy yourself and meet with friends and family. What works well is to go out on dates and meet new people. This will give you a super confidence boost and keep your mind off the devil. Believe me, as time goes by, the feeling and pain will start to fade away, and you wont be coming back to get hurt anymore. So love yourself and be strong. Remember, it’s better to be single than to be together with the wrong person who causes you so much pain and suffering!

 

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Expectations kill relationships!
Expectations kill relationships! 1354 437 Galia Brener

Ladies and gentlemen, what is the best way to kill a relationship? With expectations! – Especially the unreasonable ones. A few weeks ago I was having our usual Sunday brunch with the girls, and the topic of expectations in relationships came up. It was very interesting to see how the opinions in our group varied completely. One girl said that she has absolutely zero expectation towards her boyfriend – no holding doors, no cute texts before bed time, nothing at all. But the other girls did not agree with her. They expected their men to always be attentive, buy them presents, pay for most of their holidays, take them to restaurants and write them nice text messages at least once a day. However, the funny thing is that the only boyfriend who actually did all of these things was the one of the girl that had no expectations of him whatsoever! He did it from his own will, and not because he was “expected” to do so, and that shows his real love.

This made me think: Isn’t it better to expect less, and see all the nice things that come our way simply as “bonuses” in life? This reminds me of a story about my friend Carla. She met a really attractive guy a few months ago – let’s call him “The turtle”. He was almost 2 meters tall, had a body of a Greek God, bright blue eyes that an ocean would be jealous of, and chin-length thick blonde hair. Whenever she was around him, her body would automatically react to his masculine smell. He made her panties wet with just one strong, tight hug! Needless to say, she was head over heels in lust with him. They started seeing each other, and so the “expectations” had begun.

It all started with her complains to me that the turtle didn’t write her enough. He made little time to see her, and when they met, their time was limited. He didn’t introduce her to his friends and family, and they didn’t spend many weekends together. She was being very impatient with the turtle, and it seems like her expectations were building up more and more on top of each other. They dated for about a month but nothing really changed. Carla was getting fed up with the turtle’s lack of initiative and attention, and decided to drop her efforts as well. She didn’t write him anymore, and stopped the “chase” altogether. The crazy thing was that as soon as she cooled off about him, the slow turtle changed gears to the fast lane, and started chasing her! Since she didn’t care so much anymore, all of the expectations and pressure was dropped on her part. And without the expectations, she was surprised to see how much effort was coming from him now! However it was too late because chasing him for over a month was exhausting. Her passion for him burned out and she was not interested anymore.

Where do these relationship-killing expectations come from? The main reason for them is the evil ego of ours, and the bitch called “sense of entitlement”. We believe the things we expect are rightfully ours and we deserve them. “Me, me, me” the ego likes to scream out loud. But who is to say what we deserve or not, because nobody owes us anything in this world. If you get treated well and spoiled by your partner, be appreciative and see it as a kind virtue. The problem is that when these expectations – big or small – are not met, we feel disappointment, which leads to arguments and hurt pride. Here is a simple relationship formula: No expectations = no disappointments.

Of course I am not saying that you have to accept when your partner is being disrespectful, cheap or careless to you. I am referring to the superficial unreasonable expectations. Not only are you putting pressure on him, but on yourself as well. Take it easy, relax and allow him to show you his true colors. Most likely being the gentleman that he is, he will invite you to nice dinners and spoil you a bit, but don’t take that as a given and a must. After you let go of all the expectations, and you still have problems with your partner, you must ask yourself, “Maybe we don’t speak the same love language?” Meaning, maybe you don’t fit well together. At the end of the day, it’s your life, and you must do whatever is good for you. But keep in mind that expectations are a killer for relationships, so the more easy-going you are, the more you shall be open to wonderful and positive surprises. So far for my 33 years, I have learned that somehow life always delivers more when less is expected.

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