Galia Brener

It’s so exciting, you met a really great guy, and things are going so well! After work, you can hardly wait to rush into his arms, hug him and spend a romantic evening together. You have butterflies in your stomach, and secretly jump up and down for joy, when no one’s watching. Everything is perfect! Having a new boyfriend is exhilarating, because everything is so new and fresh. You enjoy getting to know each other, spending hours kissing and having sex. It’s the love drug, and the high is fantastic! As the months go by, you spend more time together, until eventually you spend every evening together, and usually the weekends as well. The problem is that in this situation, many girls forget something very important in their lives – their girlfriends! The love of true girlfriends is unconditional, and most of the time, it outlasts romantic love.

Half a year ago, my friend Ambrosia met the love of her life, Antonio. It was an instantaneous connection! A few days after they met, they were already spending every evening together. They did everything together, and were literally inseparable! Weeks, turned into months, and our friend was nowhere to be found. I was aware that she had her dream man, and wanted to spend every waking moment with him, but of course we all missed her very much. We talked on the phone once in a while, but it was simply not the same. One of our friends got quite upset with Ambrosia, because she did not think it’s correct that she abandoned her friends as soon as she meet a man. I could understand them both, especially Ambrosia, because I am myself guilty of doing this in the past. Suddenly one day, we received a call from Ambrosia in tears of agony that they spilt up. Of course we went to her as soon as possible. We comforted and took care of her, and she felt very sorry that she abandoned us. Eventually, she got back together with Antonio, but she realized that during such a tough time when Antonio left her all alone, she had her dear friends to love and take care of her. She never made such a terrible mistake ever again.

¬The most wonderful thing about your girlfriends, especially the closest ones, is that they offer you unconditional love. This is something that should be appreciated and cherished. I know that with my girls, no matter how silly I get, or if I do something embarrassing or wrong, they are always there for me. I am very lucky and grateful that I have such wonderful women by my side! Your best girlfriends will accept you as you are, even when you are down at your worst state. This is not something that every man is willing to do. Unconditional love is a precious gift that is not given too often. Many men are willing to love you upon their own terms and conditions, but your girls will love you as you are. Who was there to hear you cry and complain about your ex over and over again? Or listen about the backstabbing bitch at work? They will always be the first ones to bring you a warm chicken soup when you’re sick, help you out with financial troubles, or hold your hand through a hard time in your life. Don’t neglect your friends, because it could be emotionally dangerous if you are left all alone.

My advice is that Girls’ nights are a must! These moments are incredibly fun, heart-warming, and allow you to spend some quality time with the people who care deeply for you – your loving girls. This is healthy for a romantic relationship as well. It allows your partner to have some “me time” and also miss you. You had your own life before he came, and you should continue being independent during the relationship as well. Men need to feel that they are still the hunters, so let him hunt for you, even if you are together for a while. Show him that you stand on your own two feet, and have other people that love you as well.

In my opinion, the worse thing that can happen is: you meet a guy, fall madly in love, drift way from your friends, and if your partner decides to breakup, you end up completely alone. No one will be by your side, and hold you when you cry, because you neglected everyone when you were with your guy. How horrible would that be? Sure your family may also be there for you, but it is not exactly the same. You connect with your girls in a different way than with relatives. You share more secrets, and experience special moments together that you couldn’t do with your mom or dad. Your closest girls are very precious, and must be reminded of how important they are for you. So please after reading this column, call or write one of your best girlfriends, and tell them how much you appreciate your friendship, and are happy to have them in your life. Besides, men die younger than us, and who is left there after all these years to move as slow as snails together, with dentures, walking sticks and purple hair? Your loving girlfriends!

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To forgive or not to forgive, that is the question. We have all experienced hurts and unfair blows towards us, that leave us painfully asking ourselves: Why me? What did I do to deserve this from him/her? We can spend weeks thinking about why this happened. We feel confused, sad, and then angry! We swear to never open up to anyone again. We stay at home alone, licking our wounds, protecting ourselves from the world. Never ever again, we say. However, unless they have tried to physically kill you, forgiveness is the only functioning therapy that you can give your heart, mind and soul.

The best reason to forgive is for your own good! Do it firstly for yourself, and not the other person. As soon as you truly forgive, a large stone falls off of your chest, and you feel much lighter, and breath easier. Congratulations, you have released yourself from being your own victim. This doesn’t mean that you have to talk to the person again, but the fact that you let go of the betrayal, means that you moved on. This is very good for your karma, because you release the anger inside of you. Think of it as releasing poison from your body. And yes, you can be egoistic at times, and forgive someone for your own sake, and not theirs.

Of course you must realize that it’s not just about those big life-shattering betrayals. It’s also about those fights with your partner, parents or best friend. Those small arguments count just as much. You must be open enough to be able to forgive the ones you love. Everyone makes mistakes, and most likely, it was not done upon you from an evil heart. Throughout the years, I have come to realize that when someone I love apologizes to me, I must accept the apology and be able to let the anger go. Of course if the offense is not a drastic one, than accepting an apology and forgiving is the right thing to do.

A friend of mine told me a story last week, which fits quite perfectly. Heather and her boyfriend were away on holiday. On their last day, he woke up early, and was fidgeting around in bed. He got up, walked around the room, got back into bed, moved around and around, and got up and down again. Then he turned on the laptop and started watching a movie. Obviously this woke Heather up, and she was extremely tired. They have gotten to bed quite late the night before. All she wanted to do was sleep and rest. Her man complained that he was hungry and tried to hurry Heather to get up and get ready. Of course she got up and was pissed off at him, eyes half shut, tired beyond belief. She was grouchy, and showed it to him. He kept on pushing her to hurry, and she screamed at him to stop it! She was not even fully awake. Again she screamed quite rudely at him to stop. Instantly she felt bad for it. He gave her such a nice holiday. On their way to town for breakfast, she apologized twice for raising her voice at him. No reaction. At breakfast he was distant and silent. Heather thought to herself that instead of this childish cold-treatment, she could have been resting in bed now. They headed to the beach, and still no peace in sight. After two hours, she had enough of this crap, and said to him, “Why can’t you simply let it go? This is our last day here, and I have apologized twice to you already! Your ego is so dominating that you would rather ruin this entire day, instead of forgiving me, letting the crap go, and enjoying yourself as well!” After a few minutes, he turned to her and said that she was right. They kissed, and made up, and had the best day of their entire holiday. He annoyed her, she screamed, she apologized, and a while after he forgave her. Sound familiar?

What usually helps me is this thought: what if I never see this person ever again? What if you had a fight with your partner, he goes to work, has a car crash and dies? You will never ever see him again. Would you ever forgive yourself for parting ways in such anger? You would give anything to hug and kiss him again. Remember this for the rest of your life. A schoolmate of mine fought one morning with her sister, but she never came home from school that day. The woman still carries a hole in her heart larger than the Pacific Ocean. Our loved ones will not always be there with us. So think about it, was a fight that you recently had really worth it?

I am not suggesting to be a doormat, and allow everyone to walk allover you, but try to choose your battles wisely, and see what is really worth arguing about. Life is so damn short, so why make it more complicated for ourselves and loved ones? Live with an open and forgiving heart. Unless the damage is huge beyond repair, try to forgive others. Not only will you heal your own soul, you will also give them another chance to prove themselves, and love you more. I know it’s sometimes hard, but it’s even harder to never see your loved one again, or have the chance to forgive them for their silly error. Be kind and forgive, because everyone makes mistakes, including you.

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Have you ever wondered why some girls meet a new guy, and everything works out quite quickly? In a matter of months they get engaged and start a wonderful life together. Well, it’s not just about getting lucky; it’s about meeting a man in his right time. I call it the “window” because every man has his window, or time frame when he meets a woman and is willing to get married and start a family. So girls, keep your eyes open for a good man who has an open window for you!

This reminds me of a situation with a friend’s cousin. He was dating a great girl for over 6 years. She was waiting for the moment when he asks her to marry him, but unfortunately it did not come. He was even mean enough to ask her to loose weight. When I heard this story, this made me so angry! But she complied with his request, and looked even more beautiful after. Of course after everything, she continued to wait and wait. One summer day he was invited to go out with his buddies, and he met a woman. He was fascinated by her, and couldn’t stay away from this woman for more than a day! He was very mesmerized by her character and values. He broke up with his girlfriend and moved in with this new woman within a month! 6 months later he asked her to marry him. Now they live in a nice house, happier than ever. His ex was devastatingly heartbroken. I asked him why he didn’t marry his ex? He said that he was not ready. And after half a year, he was ready to marry this new girl. He said something changed within this year, and he felt that he was ready. Granted, the new girl was different. She was independent and very unique, and she met him at the right time. She caught him when his window was open.

Lately I find myself asking, where is the fairness in this? One woman wastes years and years on a man, and the other meets a man and gets married within months. But now I realized that it’s not about the luck, it’s all about the timing! I for example, would not find it possible to date someone for 5 years without knowing that it would lead somewhere. This is simply a waste of time, and girls we know, we are not getting younger. So why waste your time with a man that doesn’t plan a future with you? Sure, there are rare cases when you date a man forever and suddenly he decides to make a true commitment and get married. But unfortunately I hear of more cases where nothing happens after years, and eventually the couples break up, like the story of my friend’s cousin.

My advice would be to talk about this earlier on in the relationship. Open communication is extremely important. It’s crucial to say what you want, without being scared to lose your partner. After a year, you should be able to tell your man where you see this relationship going. A friend of mine told her boyfriend of a year that she is not the kind of girl that can date someone for years and years without a true commitment. She let him know earlier on what she expects from their partnership. After a half a year he asked her to marry him, because he knew that she would not waste her time. He knew that if he wanted her in his life, he would have to make the next step, and so he did! He did not feel pressured, he was simply ready for this next step, and he did it.

Ladies, please do not fear to lose your man. Be brave enough to tell him what you want. And realistically speaking, if he truly loves you, he will want to spend the rest of his life with you. If he respects you, he will not make you wait for 7 years before giving you a ring. But sometimes men also need a little push. Not an aggressive demand, but a hint that you can imagine more with him. This also shows him that you are a serious girl. In the worst-case scenario, you are stuck at 40 years of age with a man that you have dated for 7 years without a serious commitment. Why put yourself through this? Of course not everyone wants to get married, but many women do, so why restrict yourself? Your life is in your hands, so why not make the best out of it? What you decide for yourself is how you will live your life, so please choose well!

Ladies I can only say that we must speak up for ourselves. We have the possibility to say what we want, and when we want it. The biggest mistake to make is not to communicate what you want. To sit and wait for years is not a solution. But unfortunately not everyone has the power to speak up. Many are scared if they say what they think, the man will feel pushed and back out of the relationship. But then again, can you afford to date someone for years, and not speak your mind and express your desires? Life is short, and time flies by. So please don’t make this mistake by dragging out a relationship too long, and losing the right time to make the next Step. This is also a test to see how much your man truly loves you. If a man has a strong love for his woman, then he will definitely want to make her the mother of his children. If not, then it will take him ages to marry her, and there is actually no reassurance that he will marry her at all. It’s like playing Russian roulette, so why take the risk? Talk to him, and see where it is all going. Don’t be afraid, if he truly loves you, then he will understand. If not, then be happy to get rid if him. Why give yourself to a man that doesn’t appreciate it? Catch the man at the right time, and start a wonderful life together. You definitely deserve it. If you respect yourself, then so will he. Girls it’s all about the right timing. You do not have to give up your dream of marriage and family. Have faith that you deserve the best, and it will come to you. Never sell yourself for less than you deserve. And don’t forget…keep your eyes open for the right man who has an open window!

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