Galia Brener

I think that Love is female. She’s a bitchy princess that does what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it. She doesn’t like to play fair and never follows any rules. She can be extremely selfish and not give a damn about anyone else but herself. The heart is totally crazy about her, and drops down to the knees when she’s around. Even though Love has caused the heart excruciating pain, it still gets tricked, and adores her beyond belief. This is because the heart is innocent, and sees only the goodness in others. The brain, on the other hand, tries to show that he’s a tough guy. He often plays cool and pretends to ignore her. He feels the need to protect his sensitive sibling, the heart, and therefore he often blocks her sensual attempts. After a while, even he gives in and gets influenced by the seductive powers of this erotic Lady Love. Until this day, no one was able to create a formula how to control this wild vamp. She does what she wants, and nobody can force her… especially not to stay where she doesn’t want to.

Lady Love did not visit my good friend, Heather Klein, when she met a guy a few months ago. It was a warm summer afternoon, and we all went out with the mission of finding delicious food and exotic drinks. Spontaneously a friend had tickets to a food tasting event, and of course, I couldn’t resist. Delicious food is my huge passion! We dressed up casually, and made our way into our adventurous Saturday, not knowing what shall await us. We arrived, and the first thing that caught my eyes and nose were the delicious dry-aged steaks being prepared on the grill. Needless to say, I found my love, and stayed beside the grill most of the day. After a few cocktails, I saw Heather speaking to a guy she just met. He was about 1,80 meters tall, had thick dark hair, and friendly bright eyes. He seemed very charming, and both enjoyed the conversation.

Heather started dating the guy, and during the first few weeks, they spent a lot of time together. She told me that everything was going well. However, in the weeks that followed, I could see that Heather was losing her enthusiasm about him. She told me that “the spark” was not there. That magic explosion was missing that made her yearn day and night to be with him, kiss him with hunger and passion, and think about him all day. I could understand her, however from the things that I heard about him, he was a good catch. He was a caring, intelligent, respectful gentleman, came from a good family background, had a stable job, and was open for a serious commitment. He was warm and cuddly, yet she was bored with him. She agreed to give it a few more weeks and see what happened, but the feelings did not develop.

Looking at it the other way around, it is quite painful when you are falling in love and the other person does not feel the same way. I have been there before myself, and it’s awful! You try and try, and it just doesn’t work out how you want it to. It makes you doubt yourself, and feel very insecure. It sometime goes as far as making you change, and not be yourself, just so that the other might like you more. Here are some signs that you might be forcing the love to happen, when you are better off letting it go: 1: You are the one that is always giving and s/he is taking. 2: You make all of the plans, all the time – they make no effort. 3: You are unsure about how s/he feels about you, therefore you ask often for reassurance. 4: Your partner does not mention a future together. 5: You are mostly the one that calls, writes and contacts him/her. 6: You feel that you’re the only one working on the relationship. You cannot force it, because both must be willing to work on it. 7: You are using guilt and manipulation for making them stay. This is a miserable feeling, because you are ready to hurt yourself emotionally and physically just to keep them in your life. 8: Even though s/he keeps breaking your trust over and over again, you forgive them. 9: You have unhealthy feelings of extreme jealously and intense fear of losing your partner.

I ask myself, can love be manipulated? Of course it can be tempered with. But do you really want someone to stay together with you only due to your manipulations? That would mean that they don’t truly love you for you. Love must be genuine from both sides. Unrequited love is extremely painful. My advice would be to let the person go and make yourself available for something real. Yes, it will hurt like hell at the beginning, but then you have a chance to meet someone that truly loves you! Wouldn’t that be so wonderful?

I have learned through my experiences that if someone wants to be with you, they will find a way to do so. They will move mountains and swim through an ocean to see you. There will be no excuses of being busy, or sick with a rare disease that he contracted when the aliens abducted him last week and took him to see Yoda. There will be no bullshit. If the feelings are there, you will know and feel it. Let’s be honest, we know when the other person is not feeling the same for us. So why give so much love and attention to someone who doesn’t even feel and appreciate it? Or even worse, to someone who does not want you or your love? Send them back to their hallucinated aliens, pick up your dignity off the ground, and walk proudly into your future. Don’t force what’s not meant to be, and if it is meant to be, it will happen anyways. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right person, but it’s definitely worth the wait, so please be patient and keep the faith.

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According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word single is defined as: “Not having or including another: only one.” What the hell is this nonsense? It sounds so lonely and awful! Please do not listen to Mr. Merriam or Webster, who wrote this depressive crap in the early 19th century, when being single after the age of 20 was considered a mortal sin! Being single does not mean that you are the only one, lonely or that you do not have anyone else. Quite the opposite! Being single means that you are clever enough not to jump onto the next best thing, just for the sake of “having a partner” or having a heart in your Facebook relationship status. My very wise Mama always says, “It’s better to be single than in a bad relationship.”

There are advantages to being single, such as more time for getting your things done. We tend to get sad and think of how much we want love when we are single. But instead of being sad, take that same energy and invest it into your career. You have a chance to increase your motivation, to focus and concentrate on your work, and not get sidetracked. You should use this spare time to apply yourself as much as you can to achieve success. Don’t forget that when you meet a new love, the concentration is gone for the first half a year, and your career might suffer from it. So take the time now and make yourself successful.

Grab your best friend, and finally go on that Asia trip that you have been dreaming of for so long! Don’t sit on your couch fantasizing about having a man beside you, instead get off your bum, book a flight, pack your nice outfits and enjoy life! Make your single time special and truly unforgettable. When the man and children come, there will not be much time to leisurely fly around the world with your girls. You will have responsibilities to take care of, and jet-setting will not be your first priority, so why not do it now? Travelling enriches the soul, and broadens your horizon. Your adventures will shape and make you the person that you are meant to be. Besides, you never know what happens on such journeys, and whom you meet. You might be pleasantly surprised.

My friend Jilli is a good example for this. She was hurt in the past, and it was the last drop in her tortured love life, so she swore off men and simply didn’t care anymore. Instead, she founded her own company, worked her bum off, became successful, traveled the world with her friends, took care of her health and body, spend precious time with her parents, cooked delicious meals for herself, and simply enjoyed life. She was not going to put her happiness in the hands of a stranger anymore. She wanted to create her own happy world, and so she did! One warm summer evening we all went to the King Kamehameha boat party. Jilli was silly that evening, and the first thing she said was, “To hell with love!” I remember laughing because she had a Prosecco in one hand, and the other hand waving at the air pretending to send love away. The music was fantastic, the cocktails were delicious and the air was warm with sensual tension. This evening Jilli unexpectedly met the love of her life, Leo. Their love is still strong, and even today; Kingka is a magical love-charm for them. Jilli told me that last night she and Leo went to the Kingka Family Reunion party, and they had such a wonderful time! It brought them happy memories of when they first met. Kingka has and always will have a special place in their hearts.

But you see, love works quite differently than we want it to. As soon as Jilli didn’t stress and get desperate about it, love came flying straight towards her. She was occupied with life, instead of sitting sad at home. People smell a state of desperation, and it repels them away. Jilli chose life, and in the process got love. Being single is not a curse or bloody disease. So enjoy it.

Harassing yourself with thoughts of “Where is he already?” will not get you anywhere. On the contrary, it will make you more miserable and desperate. Desperation is a bitch because she will force you to take anyone, just to feel close and warm to “someone”. When Lady Desperation comes knocking on your door, send her back to hell where she belongs. You are fabulous and deserve the best, so please don’t settle for less because you can’t stand being single anymore. We have all been there. The best thing is to start occupying yourself with important things as soon as possible. Going out, partying and drinking with your friends might be an entertaining way too pass time, but it will not leave you satisfied. It’s better to include some serious goal making and achieving time during your single phase. Then you can look back and see that you have accomplished something during this time. Don’t sit and wait for a partner to come into your life to complete and make you happy. What about your friends, family, hobbies, goals and dreams? There is so much to be done, and absolutely no time to be sad – besides, frowning causes wrinkles, and you don’t want those. So get up, dust yourself off, embark on your adventures and start living fully – single or not!

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I have a confession to make. When I go to my favorite Thai restaurant, I order my favorite appetizer, with my favorite main dish, and drink my favorite juice. It’s been like that for the last two years. I always order the same thing, over and over again. Subconsciously I’m convinced that my “favorite” thing is also the “best” thing for me, but is this really true? Can it be that we are dating like Thai food orders, and always choosing the same “type” of person to date?

Why do I choose this same pattern? I order the same dish because I know that it will always taste good. The taste does not vary much, so I know that I will always be satisfied. Last week as I was standing in line to place my order, a small mischievous devil popped upon my right shoulder and whispered into my ear, “Galia, come on, be wild and order something new for once! It’s so damn boring!” Of course I was waiting for the lovely mini angel to pop upon my left shoulder and present a counter argument, but mysteriously, it did not! I thought, what the hell, I’ll live a little and be daring. I ordered a completely different exotic thing. I sat in anticipation to walk on the wild side, and waited for my meal. It finally arrived. The smell was magnificent, and the taste was even better! I was pleasantly surprised that there exists an even better option than my beloved Pad Thai, which I have been eating for years!

What stopped me from “ordering” something different, was the doubt and fear that something else might not taste as good as what I’m used to, which would lead to disappointment. Then the little voice in the head would say, “You see? You should have taken what you know would be good!” But without risking something new, you cannot encounter different tastes, experiences and pleasures in life. Similar to liking the same foods, we are also the same dating victims. We are so used to dating the same types, and also getting hurt in a similar pattern, that for us it has become almost “normal”! I only know a few friends that date completely random type of men and women, but most are drawn to the same character. We are restricting ourselves with our pattern of similar choices. I think it’s time to order something completely different on the “dating menu”, and enjoy the exquisite, unique taste and adventures!

My friend Gloria is the perfect example for this. Ever since I could remember, she was attracted to the bad boys. She called them the heartbreakers that she hated to love, and loved to hate. They didn’t look alike, but they had one major thing in common, they all hurt her. These men shared a certain kind of mystery and nonchalant attitude that kept her coming back. They were all creative types, with the same clothing style and designer flats, with pseudo intellectual friends, and a desperate desire to be alternatively cool. It was as if she was dating the same man over and over again. The last advertising agency owner she dated traded her in for younger tall brunette with big blue eyes, and other big things. Gloria felt humiliated and devastated! It was finally time for an immediate change.

A few weeks later, she went to Gibson with her best girlfriend, and had a fabulous evening there. They were drinking delicious cocktails, dancing and chatting with friends. As Gloria went to the bar to order drinks, a guy on her right side smiled and said hello. She smiled back, but was not interested in him. He was definitely not her type, but they continued talking while the drinks were being made. He was actually quite funny, and made her laugh. As she was leaving, he asked for her number. She hesitated, but her friend gave it to him. He was half a head shorter than her, soft around the belly, came from a conservative family, and was a banker with a funny and easy-going attitude. He was the exact opposite of all her ex boyfriends! She avoided him for a while, but he did not give up, until finally they met. The date was nice, and she felt like she could be herself with him. It took her some time to open and warm up to him. However, one date turned into more dates, which turned into a long-term relationship, which now turned into a fabulous engagement party. She has never been happier in her life!

Gloria is smart. She realized that something had to change if she wanted to be happy. Most of us are responsible for our own happiness or miseries because of the partner we choose and stay with. A good friend of mine once told me “Galia, it’s up to us to choose well for our future.” If you see that your dating pattern is bad for you, then make an immediate change! Take your friends to a completely different bar, in another city part that you usually hang out in, with different music and new people. Do something you don’t usually do on the weekends. Go out and try new things. New galleries, museums, gym, book or food stores, etc. You need a change of scene and environment. Break away from the old chain that constantly gets your into emotional trouble. It’s time to stop eating the same Pad Thai! Why not choose your next love be a completely different character than you are normally used to? You might be very surprised, and find your true love and happiness with someone that is grateful and appreciative to have you! After all, don’t you deserve the very best?

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You have been dating your darling for a while now, and the question has surely popped up in your head: Is it time to get serious and move in together? You think to yourself, wouldn’t it be great to wake up every morning beside your honey, and see him every night before drifting off to dreamland? It would be so lovely to organize your flat together, move your big couch beside his killer sound system, share the bookshelves and buy a bigger closet! Wouldn’t playing house with each other be fun? After all, you spend much time together, so how different would it be? Let me burst your pink shiny bubble: living together is very different than dating. It will either make or break your relationship forever.

Let us start with the lovely topic of bodily sounds. He schlepped the last heavy carton into the flat, and suddenly releases a huge bomb. You laugh and think it’s cute at the moment. Weeks pass by, and the bombs are dropping louder and heavier. Your flat is being raided, and the attacks are not getting better! You are seriously considering buying a gas mask for his birthday. Was it always like this, or did your partner hide this when you were dating? If women let out a teeny tiny fart, it’s embarrassing beyond belief, but with men it’s different. In fact, some men are known to be proud of the sound effects, diversity and intensity level of smells. Let me warn you, it’s definitely not Chanel No°5.

You just bought a beautiful set of fluffy white towels, which you organized carefully in your bathroom closet. You man moves in and in no time, these soft magical white clouds turn into ragged gray pieces of old cotton. So you happen to date the messiest human on Earth. They leave dirty dishes in the kitchen, the toilet seat up, toothpaste pieces dried up against the sink, loud car videos at night (Oh, you haven’t heard that V8 engine sound video a hundred times already?), the laundry is overfilled every few days, cigarette smoke fills the flat, hair everywhere, a smelly gym bag with wet clothes growing bacteria behind the bedroom door, or the pictures in the flat are all hung crooked. Whatever it may be, you might be dating a person who has totally opposite living habits than you do. The same can be said about women. I for instance, love to throw my clothes all over the bed when getting ready to go out. How many outfits must we go through until finally picking the right thing to wear, and then finding matching shoes and accessories? The man is ready an hour earlier, and must sit and wait annoyed on the couch, hearing promises of being ready in 5 minutes.

My pal Dave once told me a story that I never forget. During his dating phase with Charlene, she behaved as a perfect lady. She was kind and attentive to him. He felt that she is the one, and asked her to live with him. The good times lasted exactly a month. She lost her job and spent day after day sitting around the flat and doing nothing. She did not bother buying or cooking any food. She went shopping and did her nails and hair all day long. Dave was expected to take care of her every wish and command, and was even told to make the cleaning lady come more often to get rid of “their” mess. The nerve of this horrible bitch! Not only did she try to use sweet Dave, but in the process she also let herself go, turning into a small cave creature. Thank God he got rid of this monstrosity. Needless to say, he was very careful to move in with another woman after this nasty experience. She damaged him for a long time.

Playing house can also be a beautiful and intimate experience. My friend Jilli moved in with her big love Leo, after dating him for half a year. In the beginning there were some bumps in the road – even though they were considered to be soulmates. Also true love must be worked on. She had lots of stuff in the flat, but he was a minimalist. She got rid of many things that she collected over the years because for her, living happily together with her man mattered more than her “stuff”. So she feng shui-ed the hell out of her flat, and got rid of all the crap. New life, new start, less clutter, more place to move and breathe. They both worked on themselves, and became more disciplined. The more they compromised, the more tolerable they were of each other.

“I see him everyday, so what will moving in change?” Answer: everything! You get to really experience each other up close and personal. You find out about each other’s nasty habits, you don’t have your own flat to escape to in cases of bad arguments, you must change and adapt your way of doing things, and money topics sometimes rear out their ugly head as well. Welcome to playing house. No one said it would be easy. You must figure out if you can close your eyes on the “small things” – like torpedo shooting from the bum. Or does his sweaty underwear and pubic hairs in the shower make you want to puke? Set your priorities right about what is more important, “Love” or “Having-it-your-way”? If you do break up because of the small things and he leaves, you will sit at home alone, wishing that he was there watching his loud annoying cartoons beside you right now. If you get things right, then you will find yourself loving to watch the loud V8 car engine videos with him, and he will be the one buying you a cute stuffed animal toy to keep beside the bed. So what will you do – bitch about the toilet seat being up, or not sweat the small stuff and enjoy life? The choice is yours.

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