Did you ever have the feeling that your blood is boiling, and fire will soon flare out of your nose? Why? Because your partner is looking at, or talking to the beautiful girl beside you at the bar! However in reality, he is simply being polite and asking if she can make space for him to order something for the both of you. If this situation sounds familiar to you, then you are part of the Jealousy Club. Welcome. There are many of us. I have been a member since my first relationship.
What can we do to overcome the battle with the Jealousy Demon? Sometimes I fear that jealousy over a partner can last for a lifetime, but actually it really is possible to work on this and destroy this monster! Do we have the power within ourselves to send this demon back to hell, where he belongs?
This brings me back to a story about my close friend Jilli. She went with her new love, Leo, to a club in Frankfurt called Kane & Abel. They had a few drinks and hit the dance floor. It was a lovely Saturday night, and the place was filled with beautiful people. They were dancing and having a great time, when all of a sudden, she spotted a pretty blonde woman smiling and winking at Leo! Jilli looked at him and noticed that he was smiling in the direction of this woman. Jilli felt the evil green claws of the Jealousy Demon scratching her from the feet to the throat. She turned around and walked towards the bar with a mission to drown her anger with a few vodka shots. Leo rushed after Jilli, not knowing what happened, and why she walked away from him. She told him what she saw. He couldn’t believe her words! He loved her so much, and swore that he would never do anything to hurt her. He said that his look in this particular direction was a coincidence, and that he didn’t even notice the woman that Jilli mentioned! Leo is a very tall and handsome man. It’s normal that he gets attention from women that find him very attractive, but he doesn’t do anything to instigate this. It’s not his fault that women stare at him. Jilli was very upset and walked out of the club, while confused Leo was running after her. Outside, the full effect of the vodka hit them both. Emotions were rising, and hurtful words were being said. What started off as a romantic evening, turned into a horrific rollercoaster ride to hell and back. Until this day, Jilli doesn’t know if Leo was flirting back with that girl or not, but the only thing that’s left is the fact if she trusts him or not. What could she do? It was his word against her alcohol-tainted impression of that evening. Thankfully they are still together, but even now, both of them sometime suffer from bouts of ridiculous jealousy.
Most of us have stared the Jealousy Demon directly in the eyes. Sometimes, this lifeless demon enters your body, and tortures you alive, until it has killed everything that you truly love! If I analyze myself, I would have to say that my jealousy in love comes from my insecurities. We are not made of stone. We have feelings and emotions. The best way to overcome these insecurities is to work on ourselves, and learn to love and accept ourselves as we are. With our flaws and imperfections! The jealousy can also occur because of many other reasons. One of them is because we are afraid to lose our partner to the “competition”. There will always be a prettier, taller, skinnier, smarter, cuter woman than us. At the same time, another woman might think the same thing of us when passing by with her man. Another reason might be that we make false interpretations of the behavior of our partners (Jilli thought that Leo was looking at the other woman, while he swore that he did not). These are simply wrong assumptions! Of course a painful situation from the past might also influence present jealousy. Not enough attention from your partner might also be the problem.
Whatever the issue might be, the problem is that not only are we hurting our partner in the process, but more than that, we are actually hurting ourselves the most! I am not saying that you must accept a cheating man/woman, but try to examine the situation and see if your fears can be really backed up by solid facts. Sometimes we see something from the corner of our eye that we think is a fact, when in reality it is not as it seems. What I can advise you is to have an open and honest communication with your partner. As hard as it may be, try to talk calmly about the situation before exploding at them because of something that may have not even happened.
Aside from our own insecurities, this mostly occurs because of a trust issue, or rather the lack of it. You must open up to your partner and address this sensitive issue. Try to control your sudden bursts of emotions (generated by the ego), and make an effort to attack the issue at the source. Trust is the most important element of a healthy relationship. Without it, the Jealousy Demon will constantly come back to haunt you. If your partner is awful to you, and gives you a direct reason not to trust them, then you must re-evaluate your relationship and decide if you want to continue to suffer or not. However, if your partner doesn’t give you a reason not to trust them, then the problem lies within you. Same thing has happened to me. I had to search deep within myself to figure out what made me so afraid to lose my partner! This is a very hard and quite uncomfortable process, but if you have the strength to do this, then you will find a way to beat this battle within you. I am still working on it, and it might take a while to do this, but starting is always the first and most important step. Some people say that jealousy is a sickness, but I think that it’s like an allergy that you either fight to the Death, or learn to live with. The choice is yours to make!