love

How to “be” on the 1st date
How to “be” on the 1st date 1200 400 Galia Brener

You are standing in front of your closet full of clothes, and of course find nothing to wear. You have a date in 30 minutes! You tried everything on already, and nothing seems to fit right. The little black dress is suddenly too “little”, your favorite skinny jeans are not giving you the long-leg-effect anymore. What is going on? You are nervous because of your hopes and expectations. Let your hair down and relax. Mystery-Man didn’t deserve your worries just yet!

 

I noticed that my best dates were when I didn’t care too much to impress the guy and was just super relaxed. My horror dates were when I was really nervous and tried to appear perfect for the guy. Another mistake I made in the past was to agree with opinions my date had, even though I did not share the same point of view as him. I thought that would make me lovelier, and it would seem that we have more things in common. Wrong. This would eventually catch up with us and fights would occur. Ladies, please voice your opinions, especially if you really like the guy. Don’t be afraid that he thinks you are stupid or silly because of what you say. Most men actually enjoy an intellectual challenge. So let him fight for it girls!

 

Order whatever you feel like eating. Do not worry that you must look cute in front of him by ordering something small that you can eat in single tiny bites. Who cares?! Order a huge pizza if you feel like it. Another funny thing I noticed, the bigger and messier meal you order, the cuter it looks to the guy. Men like women that are not afraid of eating a huge burger or bloody steak. It makes you look real and nonchalant in a positive way. I call this soul food. Eating what makes you happy to satisfy your soul. Everything’s good in good measures – keep a good balance in life.

 

Don’t drink too much alcohol. Getting drunk on a date can cloud your judgment and make you do things you can later regret. I don’t want to sound old-fashioned, but its better if you wait a bit before you have sex with him for the first time. Unless you are just looking for a fun sexy time, that’s ok. What works best for me is to get to know the guy, spend some time with him and let the chemistry and tension rise. Taking your time before having sex will show you if this man wants you for a long-term relationship or just some fun in bed. Men are hunters, so let them hunt and don’t make it too easy for him.

 

Ladies, use your most charming and erotic weapon… your smile! There is nothing more enchanting than an honest, warm and sincere smile. It always works like a charm! During a conversation: look directly into his eyes, give him a seductive smile, drop your gaze down for a second, then look back up at him, and tilt your head to the side. This move kills them!

 

Please do not mention how cool and fabulous you are. Do not show off about all of your achievements on the first date. Avoid the feeling that you must impress him or else he wont like you. If you are an amazing person, then this will be evident in the first hour of the conversation so don’t worry! Let him sweat a bit by trying to impress you. Men like a healthy challenge and want to know that they have the best woman of all – so let him work at charming you into being by his side.

 

Try to keep a relaxed and positive atmosphere. Life is not always a walk in the park, but he doesn’t have to hear about all of your illnesses, debts and tragedies directly on the first date! If you will get closer, then you can open up your heart to him in the future. At the beginning, keep it light and pleasant. Complications are a huge turn off to both men and women. Everyone has their own baggage, so they don’t want to adopt an even heavier load on the first date. The other way around, avoid being an emotional garbage can for those troubled-lost-souls. The broken ones are extremely hard to fix, so unless you want a life-long project instead of being happy, then go for it.

 

If he bores your panties to death, and you need to escape, talk about your ex boyfriend, repeatedly check your mobile phone, write text messages while he is talking to you, and profusely yawn in your seat while slouching. This should do the trick. If you like him, please try to refrain from the above – especially mentioning how large your ex’s, um, water gun was. But to be quite honest, it doesn’t really matter what you do or not do on a date, because if its meant to be, it will be… even if you squeezed the ketchup from the bottle all over his face instead of on your burger! ;-)

 

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Jealousy kills relationships!
Jealousy kills relationships! 1200 400 Galia Brener

Did you ever have the feeling that your blood is boiling and fire will soon flare out of your nose? Why? Because your partner is looking at, or talking to the beautiful girl beside you at the bar! However in reality, he is simply being polite and asking if she can make space for him to order something for the both of you. If this situation sounds familiar to you, then you are part of the Jealousy Club. Welcome. There are many of us. I have been a member since my first relationship, but thankfully I have killed this horrific habit throughout the years.

 

What can we do to overcome the battle with the Jealousy Demon? Sometimes I fear that jealousy over a partner can last for a lifetime, but actually it really is possible to work on this and destroy this monster! Do we have the power within ourselves to send this jealousy demon back to hell, where he belongs?

 

This brings me back to a story about my close friend Jilli. She went with her new love, Leo, to a club in Frankfurt. They had a few drinks and hit the dance floor. It was a lovely Saturday night, and the place was filled with beautiful people. They were dancing and having a great time, when all of a sudden, she spotted a pretty blonde woman smiling and winking at Leo! Jilli looked at him and noticed that he was smiling in the direction of this woman. Jilli felt the evil green claws of the Jealousy Demon scratching her from the feet to the throat. She turned around and walked towards the bar with a mission to drown her anger with a vodka shot. Leo rushed after Jilli, not knowing what happened, and why she walked away from him. She told him what she saw. He couldn’t believe her words! He loved her so much and swore that he would never do anything to hurt her. He said that his look in this particular direction was a coincidence, and that he didn’t even notice the woman that Jilli mentioned! Leo is a very tall and handsome man. It’s normal that he gets attention from women that find him very attractive, but he doesn’t do anything to instigate this. It’s not his fault that women stare at him. Jilli was very upset and walked out of the club, while confused Leo was running after her. Outside, the full effect of the vodka hit them both. Emotions were rising, and hurtful words were being said. What started off as a romantic evening turned into a horrific rollercoaster ride to hell and back. Until this day, Jilli doesn’t know if Leo was flirting back with that girl or not, but the only thing that’s left is the question if she trusts him or not? What could she do, it was his word against her alcohol-tainted impression of that evening.

 

Most of us have stared the Jealousy Demon directly in the eyes. Sometimes, this lifeless demon enters your body, and tortures you alive, until it has killed everything that you truly love! If I analyze various situations, I would say that jealousy in love comes from insecurities. We are not made of stone. We have feelings and emotions. The best way to overcome these insecurities is to work on ourselves, and learn to love and accept ourselves as we are – with our flaws and imperfections! Jealousy can also occur because of many other reasons. One of them is because we are afraid to lose our partner to the “competition”. There will always be a prettier, taller, skinnier, smarter and cuter woman than us. At the same time, another woman might think that you are the prettier one. Another reason might be that we make false interpretations of the behavior of our partners (Jilli thought that Leo was looking at the other woman, while he swore that he did not). These are simply wrong assumptions! A painful situation from the past might also influence jealousy, or not enough attention from your partner might also be the problem.

 

With jealousy we are hurting our partner in the process, but even more, we are ourselves the most! I am not saying that you must accept a cheating man/woman, but try to examine the situation and see if your fears can be really backed up by solid facts? Sometimes we see something from the corner of our eye that we think is a fact, when in reality all is not as it seems. What I can advise you is to have an open and honest communication with your partner. As hard as it may be, try to talk calmly about the situation before exploding at them.

 

Aside from our own insecurities, jealousy mostly occurs because of a trust issue. You must open up to your partner and talk about it. Trust is the most important element of a healthy relationship. Without it, the Jealousy Demon will constantly come back to haunt you. If your partner is awful to you, and gives you a reason not to trust them, then you must re-evaluate your relationship. However, if your partner doesn’t give you a reason not to trust them, then the problem lies within you. One must search deep within her/himself to figure out what makes them so jealous. This is a very hard and awkward process, but if you have the strength to do this, then you will find a way to beat this battle within you. Some people say that jealousy is a sickness, but I think that it’s like an allergy that you either try to eliminate throughout the years, or learn to live with. The choice is yours to make.

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Where is your true love?
Where is your true love? 1200 400 Galia Brener
It’s Saturday afternoon and you decide to spend some hard-earned money on a little treat for yourself. As you wander through the city, you can’t help but notice the couples everywhere. Every few meters you see them walking together, as if these annoying lovers are on a mission to show off in front of you today. The handholding, the smiles and whispers, the shared secrets, the kissing and the passion. Is it your imagination, or does it seem like everyone in the city is in love, except you? Damn it, where is s/he already? As you feel a tug on your heart the only way to fill that hole, at this very moment, is to make that “little” present for yourself. You end up coming home with expensive shoes, or a new exhaust pipe for your Harley. It makes you feel happy… but maybe for about a week.

 

There is a rumor going around about a mysterious lady called “Destiny”. Apparently they say that when she decides the time is right, she sends you love. Sometimes you must go through hell and suffering, while gaining life lessons to be prepared for true love. Other times you have a mission to accomplish before the right one comes. Either way, Madame Destiny calls the shots and therefore this tough bitch is not to be outsmarted. However, there is a way to make the waiting process easier. As hard as it is, it helps to stay busy and with a positive frame of mind. Regardless of what you went through in the past, and we have all gone through some evil crap, you cannot let that get you down. No matter what love tragedy happened to you before, never ever take it with you into the present and future. You must let the past go, or else it can destroy you, and leave you stuck in the bitter darkness. Bitterness and anger repels new good people away.

 

This reminds me of Natalia’s story. She had been single for years after her boyfriend left her. She thought that he was the love of her life, and they will get married and have a family. Unfortunately the fairytale died. Carrying a broken heart shattered in a million tiny pieces, she tried to find a new love for some years after, but without much luck. What I admire about Nat is that no matter how difficult her dating life was, she never gave up! She always said, “Gali, my time will come and I will also have true love.” Unbelievable to see how convinced she was, especially after such a devastating breakup. Her 40th birthday arrived, and at 12am, she raised her champagne glass and drank, “To love.” Natalia’s married friends felt sad for her. They couldn’t understand why and how such a wonderful woman was still single.

 

The next morning, hung over and depressed like hell from all the marriage talk, Natalia went to buy some food. She felt like what the cat dragged home last night, with messy hair and puffy eyes, wearing leggings and sneakers. She walked out of the dessert isle with a jar of strawberry jam in her hand, and all of a sudden, BAMM! Some guy bumped into her. She dropped the jar, and the jam splashed all over her shoes, her bag, and the floor looked like thick red blood was splattered all over it. “Jesus! Can’t you watch where the hell you’re………Oh…” She looked up and saw the guy smiling mischievously at her, with a cute guilty look on his face. Half of his jeans were covered in jam as well. They laughed, he apologized and invited her for dinner to make up for the sweet mess. One thing led to another, they got married, and Nat had her first child at 42. Amazing right? How did this happen you ask? Well, Natalia believed in love – against all odds!

 

What works is to be 100% assured that you deserve to be happily in love. You must be completely convinced that true love is out there and will soon be yours. Why the hell should these grey mice you see walking with amazing men, holding hands, have love and not you? If they find a partner, then so can you! Head up and stand tall, knowing that yours is coming too. You must have complete and unconditional faith. Not thinking, “Oh it’s been so long, I give up. I will never find love.” WRONG! Such thoughts will never ever attract love in your direction. Lady Destiny doesn’t like when people feel negative like this. If you don’t feel that you deserve love, then why should it come to you? Change your thoughts immediately, and things around you will change as well. Make a little experiment, and try it out.

 

Meanwhile, keep yourself busy. Go out with your friends and dance without looking around for someone to meet, enjoy your hobbies, spend time with your family, discover new food and restaurants, read more, go to galleries, travel, work, get a pet, spend money on yourself, and simply enjoy living – being grateful that you are healthy and alive. And above all, please stay positive and keep the faith, no matter how hard it is! Love will come when you least expect it… I promise you this. It always does.

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Ladies, it’s time to start dating like men do!
Ladies, it’s time to start dating like men do! 1200 400 Galia Brener
Dear ladies, we live in a time when you can and should date like a man. You hear so many stories about men dating different girls in one week, and taking their time being single. Well, you know what? You can do the same thing without worrying about being called a slut. If the guys are considered “James Bond” because they date many women, well now consider yourself as the sexy “Catwoman” by having a few parallel handsome options as well!

Sorry gentlemen, but you pushed us into it. If you can date around, so can we. No, this doesn’t make us cheap. No, we don’t sleep with every man we go on a date with. Just like you, we would like to keep our options open in finding the very best for ourselves. Guys, why should you be the only ones who can enjoy a nice wine tasting without ruining your reputation? Well ladies, it’s time to go on a Champagne tasting adventure… if you know what I mean!

Jilli and Heather were enjoying their usual girl’s night out in the city. The sun was setting, and the weather was warm enough to walk around naked. The girls were sipping a gin tonic on the rooftop of a trendy lounge. It was filled with beautiful men and women, prancing around in their best outfits, waiting to get noticed. Of course many had their “Serious-Cool-Frankfurt-Faces” on, but deep inside they wanted to meet someone special – even though some would never admit this. Jilli was telling Heather a story of another new guy she met, went out with, and decided not to date anymore. Heather’s reaction was the same as usual. She screamed, “Jilli! Again?! But he was a good guy! Why don’t you give him a proper chance?” It’s not as if Jilli was turned off by “nice guys”. Quite the opposite actually. Jilli did want a good, caring, sweet, honest, charming man – but the one that she would “click” with.

“Aha Man” was not the right one for her. Jilli did not feel the passion and chemistry – or what I call the “Click”. She knew deep in the bottom of her stomach that he was not the one! All her friends, including Heather, thought that she was crazy for not dating him. They couldn’t understand why. However, Jilli knew that the right one will come. She had faith.

Jilli was dating like a man. She liked meeting new people and enjoyed the evenings out. She wanted to have fun! She did not sleep with them all. She simply went out with the men she met, in order to find out if any of them were the right ones. Unfortunately they were not. Heather couldn’t understand that. Heather believed in dating for weeks and weeks – even after realizing that the man was not a good match. Heather wasted her time, nerves, money and patience on the wrong men. Giving someone a chance is good, but when it’s obvious that the connection is wrong, why continue and torture each other?

Girls take your time and date. Do not worry what people think of you. I always say that one must chose wisely and make a good decision about whom they marry. Dating more men will show you what you want and don’t want in a partner. Consider it like gathering information by reading many books, and taking cars out for a test drive, until you find the car you want. If women would not be judged by society for dating like men, would we do it more often? Why do women get labeled “easy”, when all they want is to meet a nice guy, and not waste any time with the wrong one? I say bloody hell to all of those people that label you! Go ahead and date as many men as you like until you meet the right one.

Of course dating around also means that you get to have wild, pulse-stopping sexcapades and exciting adventures. However, I would advise you to keep this to yourself. Not everyone will understand and not everyone will be happy for you. There is a lot of jealousy out there and you do not need to attract this evil into your life. People love to judge and gossip. Tell your best friend, but for the rest, you should stay a mystery.

Girls, date around like a man. Live and love, do what makes you happy. Do what’s good for you! As long as you are respectful to others and your body, then everything is ok. The only one that can judge you, is you. So do yourself a favor and date a few different men until you meet the one that’s right for you. If they can do it, then why the hell can’t we? After all, girls should want to have fun! So go ahead, you have my blessing.

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Learn how to say “NO”
Learn how to say “NO” 1200 400 Galia Brener

It’s 9am on a Saturday morning, and your grandmother just called because she wants you to help her pick out that “ever-so-trendy-grandma-purple-hair-dye”. Two hours later your best friend calls because her boyfriend cheated on her with his childhood friend George. You meet her in the city for emergency cheesecake and sparkling wine. Five hours later you leave her happily drunk at home and finally have the chance to pick up your dry cleaning. But of course, the store is closed already. You rush home to change because in an hour you have a date with a man you have been looking forward to see for days now. You put your favorite outfit on, hoping that this guy will be a good one. You hear the doorbell ring. After an hour into the date, you notice how much he is in love with himself and your excitement disappears. You make up an excuse that you have to finish helping the technicians at NASA early the next morning, and you run out of there. You finally arrive at home and drop into bed. What a tiring day after such a stressful week!

 

The next morning your mother calls. Then your brother calls and asks to pick him up because his car broke down, again! Your landlord calls, no hot water for half a day! Your toaster burns the last slice of bread you have. You remember that you didn’t finish a part of your presentation for your meeting on Monday. You think it will take an hour to finish, and 5 hours later, it’s evening again. Where did “your” weekend go? You are left with 2 hours on a Sunday evening before the stress week starts again. STOP. It’s time to regain your control and make “Me-Time”.

 

One does not live forever. More than a third of the day is spent working. The remaining part is spent sleeping, eating, making love, going out or doing stuff for/with people that you do not always want to do. So how much time is there leftover for you? You grew up hearing that you must help others and not be selfish. Help when you can, but there is a time when you have to say “No” to the things that you don’t really want to do. In the beginning people might get angry with you. However, you need to make time for yourself, and do the things that relax and make you happy. Your “real” friends and family will understand and even respect you for that.

 

Do not spend all of your time and energy on your partner. Do not depend on him/her for true happiness. This has to come from within yourself. Your partner is a bonus in your life, and not the meaning of your life. Get rid of those expectations that as soon as you have a new love, you will be happier and more satisfied. If not met, expectation can hurt and devastate you. Sure, having a partner will bring new excitement into your life, but never make the mistake to rely solely on your partner to make you happy. Your partner is not Mother Theresa, and it’s not their job to turn your life into a fairytale. However, if you really want to, you can do this for yourself.

 

Get a hobby. You enjoy eating? Take a cooking course. You like art? Try painting. You like words and can get lost in them? Then take a pen and write something down. Make a date with yourself to do something that you love, which brings peace and happiness to your heart and soul. You like to stay fit? Go to the gym or try yoga. I love it. It makes me stronger, more confident and happier. You like fashion? Take a Sunday design course. You want to upgrade your education? Take a weekend or evening course. Do what makes you happy. Be selfish! It’s your life, and you have only this one to enjoy now! Whatever you do, take the time out for yourself and take care of yourself. Especially us women, we tend to nurture everyone else and often forget ourselves in the process.

 

In my opinion, the most important relationship that you have to work on and make strong is the one with yourself. Be strong, loving and caring towards yourself. Don’t be afraid to say no to others when you don’t want something. Every minute that you spend doing something against your will, is a minute of your life that is wasted and gone. It’s an unbelievable feeling of liberation to be able to say “NO”. In my experience, it also contributed to making me stronger and self-assured. Deep inside we know exactly what we want and don’t want, so be true to yourself and express that in a nice but firm way. Try it out and have fun saying: NO! – The reactions are funny.

 

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Photo by: Antonio Photographer. Tbilisi, Georgia

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Should you try to change your partner?
Should you try to change your partner? 1200 640 Galia Brener

I’m a firm believer that very few people can truly change their character. The less minor things such as habits, ways of doings things, style, education, hobbies, interests, etc. can be modified and learned. But can one really change their true nature? My father says that a snake sheds its skin but never changes its character. I take this great analogy, apply it to relationships and ask this important question: Can you, or should you even try to change your partner?

 

Ambition. This is a strong word that has followed me my entire life. There were times when it was closer to me, and times in between when it was hiding, but ambition was always around. It allowed me to stay motivated and strive for success in times where there was no white light at the end of the tunnel. In my opinion, ambition cannot be taught. Ambition must be felt by the people themselves – as a hot burning desire to achieve, learn, create, make, earn and complete. If your partner lacks ambition and has no desire to move forward, it shall be very hard for you to motivate them to do so. Not only will they slowly start to hate you for it, but it will suck all of your energy and happiness in the process as well. We must realize that not everyone wants a big career, has a goal or dream to follow, or has a purpose in life, which they want to achieve. Some go with the flow and see where they end up, without any plans or structure in their lives. If you choose such a partner, this should be apparent to you from the beginning, and such extreme laissez faire attitudes can rarely be changed. I like to say: a chicken cannot fly. It has small wings, but it cannot take off from the ground and reach a high altitude. Don’t push a chicken to become a soaring eagle, because it simple cannot! The chicken can learn the “theory” of flying, but in reality, they will not master the “practice” of flying. Some are born chickens, and some are born eagles. And it’s ok like that.

 

Self-confidence. This is a tricky one. I myself had a battle with this when I was younger. This is not something that comes easily to everyone right away. Sometimes it takes years for it to build up to a healthy level. You can support and compliment your partner a hundred times, but if they don’t feel inside how wonderful they are, then it will be hard to get through to them. This is really a self-battle, so it will be hard for you to change them to see themselves differently.

 

Responsibility. This is something that is obtained intuitively and from the family at a younger age. If you start dating the person and you see they are careless and irresponsible, then chances are that it will not change – especially after their late 20s. This is also an important point if you want to get married and have kids! It’s hard to do that with a person that is irresponsible for themselves and others. Don’t be in denial, accept it as a fact and decide if it’s good for you to have them in your life or not.

 

Cheaters very rarely change. As well as liars, egotists, users, fakes, players, moody people, narcissists or the ones that that simply don’t want to work or study. However, bad habits that can be changed are things like lack of discipline and punctuality, unhealthy lifestyle, not being a good listener, spending money one doesn’t have, addiction, showing off, aggression, etc. The best you can do is to give advice and help, and try to guide your partner in the right way. However, if they are not open to self-improvement, then there is nothing that you can do.

 

The hard part is that we sometimes see so clearly what our partner doesn’t. We want to help them. We want to advise and give them support and guidance. However this not always wanted, accepted or needed by them! I myself am one of these people that learn the hard way, after something bad or extreme happens. After I fell down a few times in my life, I finally understood what needed to be changed. There are many like me that need to hit the bottom to be able to jump back up – and even though you see this with red warning lights, the other person may not! That can be horribly tough on the relationship.

 

Always remember that perhaps your guidance and your way of life do not fit theirs. What’s good for you is not necessarily what’s good and beneficiary for them. At the end of the day, we met our partners and fell in love with them how they are. Why is there always the bloody need to change someone and shape them into your own image of perfection? Yes you care for them. Yes you want to help them. My suggestion is after you try to help, and nothing changes, you either accept them as they are, try to compromise with your demands on them, or let them go and find someone who fits you better. But if you keep on pushing and pushing them, then nothing good will come of it, except much emotional and psychological stress to you both.

 

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Marco Polo City Guide – Frankfurt 2015
Marco Polo City Guide – Frankfurt 2015 1200 636 Galia Brener

My blog Yes, No, Maybe? is included in the Marco Polo Frankfurt city guide 2015!

Thank you dear Stephanie Kreuzer! I feel very honored and happy ♥

 

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