betrayal

Did a cheater break your heart?
Did a cheater break your heart? 1200 400 Galia Brener

Like I always say, love is a bitch. She mysteriously appears out of no where, forces herself into your nicely balanced life, punches you in the face until you are drunk enough not to know anything anymore and makes you helplessly addicted to her high. Unfortunately this bitch also has the habit of disappearing, leaving you with a half-beating shattered heart, and a painful anxiety that you would not even wish upon the devil himself. This is a very serious issue and I will be quite harsh in this article. It’s about survival and the necessity to heal and move on.

 

A few months ago, I met up with the girls for a delicious Sunday brunch. The door to the restaurant opened, and Jilli walked in, looking very upset. Her eyes were swollen, and she looked like she was about to collapse at any second. I felt my heart skip a beat because I knew something was very wrong. She looked up at us, her beautiful turquoise eyes filled with tears, and said, “We broke up.” I almost spilled my hot coffee allover myself. Jilli and her now “ex” boyfriend were our example that true love really does exist. My sunny-side up eggs arrived, but I couldn’t eat them. I took a bite and felt the egg sticking to my throat. I asked her what happened. This question made Jilli’s tears roll violently down her face, and she told us that he cheated on her in the cruelest way. It was emotional and psychological cheating. (Maybe even physical cheating, but she didn’t know for sure, because he was a liar!) He was chatting to other women on WhatsApp. He was also sending photo albums and writing love letters to his ex – saying what a good couple they still were, how much he missed her, was thinking about her and even crying because of these memories! He wrote the cheating letter a few hours before entering Jilli’s bed and having sex with her! He didn’t tell Jilli about this, he kept it a dark secret. How sick and cruel!

 

How could this person betray such a special love? She was ready to marry him and have his children. If the ex wouldn’t forward Jilli this email, she would never know that she was living with a betraying cheater! He had a long disgusting history of cheating. Actually he cheated on all his girlfriends, but Jilli thought that with her it would be different. She was terribly wrong! When Jilli confronted him about the cheating, he played the sick helpless victim role, saying how much he loved her, promising her lies in the air that he will never do it again, that he wants to marry her and she’s the only one for him! He even involved her mother, her best friend and his mother in his sick games! Blah, blah, blah, he said the same lying shit to his exes before. He said that he learned from his mistake, yet he did the same thing to Jilli! He said an emotional situation in the family made him write this email. Pathetic excuse! So what would happen now? Every time he had an emotional situation in his life, Jilli should be afraid that he would cheat on her again? She doesn’t need a weak man without a backbone! A snake doesn’t change its personality. I told Jilli, “Once a cheater, always a cheater!”

 

She asked me what to do, because she knows my story from many years ago. I’ve had my heart brutally destroyed once as well. Like Jilli, I thought that my world was demolished, and what I loved was being ripped out of my body alive. Months went by, and the pain did not subside. One day while crying in the kitchen, something strange happened; for a millisecond, I felt deep inside myself that if I wont finally deal with this crap, it will deal with me – in a very bad way. Constant painful emotions can lead to physical illness. The hard truth is that nobody needs a sick person. This brought out the fear, and self-protection in me, and I finally woke up. I entered survival-mode.

 

How did I heal my broken heart? I started loving myself more than I loved him. That’s it. That’s the trick. What does this mean? It means that soulmate or not, you have to take all the love you have for him, and turn it upon yourself, because you must survive this terror. You have no other choice, because if you don’t switch survival-mode on, this pain might destroy you. I have seen people turning to angry bitter monsters because of broken hearts. I have even heard of people falling into deep helpless depressions and not coming out of it for years! Is that what you want? To be stuck in hell for years obsessing about some jerk that cheated and doesn’t deserve you? That’s abandonment and betrayal and such a person is not entitled to your love – you are the one who deserves your love now!

 

Loving yourself more means living for yourself. Take the first few months to be selfish by doing what you want and when you want it. Your friends and family will understand if you explain to them. Learn to say “No” to others. Loving yourself is also controlling yourself – your thoughts and emotions. As soon as you think of how you miss him, counteract the thought with a thought of a bad thing that he did to you. Remember the bad stuff? It was not only rainbows. Loving yourself is being strong! You can cry for some weeks, but one day you have to get up, find your courage and start respecting yourself again. Loving yourself means fighting for yourself to become happy again. It means not letting yourself sink in the misery of your negative and depressive feelings. If he was weak and didn’t fight for you, doesn’t mean that you also have to be weak and not fight for yourself. If you have a dog or a child, would you allow someone to hurt them, while standing and watching? No! You would jump in, and save them from this evil. Well, imagine yourself jumping in and saving yourself. That’s what you have to do now, save yourself.

 

Life is too damn short to cry over idiots who take us for granted, cheat on us, don’t appreciate us and actually do not even deserve us. Never ever give your power away by letting someone bring you down so low, that you cannot feel “happiness” anymore. How the hell does he still deserve love from you after hurting you like that? He doesn’t deserve it and never will again. You deserve your own love now! ♥

 

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Don’t date married people!
Don’t date married people! 1200 400 Galia Brener

Image this scenario: It’s a Thursday night, and your friends drag you out for a drink. You’ve had a tough week, and don’t feel like mingling and being amongst people. You try to refuse, but they don’t take no for an answer. You stand in front of your closet, trying to choose something decent to wear, but your heart is simply not in it. You throw on your can’t-go-wrong-dress, put on your high-yet-comfy heels, and leave the house. You feel yourself regretting every step that brings you further away from your comfortable couch. The girls take you to a trendy new bar, and suddenly it starts to look up, because you realize that you can drown your sorrows in a strong gin tonic! You slowly sip your drink and look around. A man approaches you and sits on the bar stool beside you. He’s absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. He starts talking to you, and you soon feel yourself melting away. He’s charming, warm, kind, sweet, and intelligent… and he wants to take you out to dinner on the weekend. You go home happier than ever.

 

Saturday is here, and you’re nervous as hell! You’re meeting “him” tonight! You look fabulous, and so does he. You have an absolutely amazing evening together. You feel the butterflies fly wildly around in your stomach, and your heart starts singing love songs to your brain. This date is followed by many more wonderful dates. Everything is simply perfect and you are both very happy. You feel that he’s the one, and tell him that you love him. He hugs you tightly and says that he loves you too… but there is something that he has to tell you. He hasn’t told you this yet because he was scared to lose you. Your heart skips a beat, and almost stops. Your stomach lurches, as if you are sailing through 10-meter high waves, hanging on for dear life. What the hell does he need to tell you?

 

He’s married. You love him. He says he loves you. He doesn’t want to lose you, and tries to convince you to stay with him. You try not to see him for a few days, to gather distance from him. But you cannot. You need to see him, to kiss and hug him. You need to hear his voice, feel his closeness, his touch, his arms wrapped around you. But like it or not, you are now the “other woman”. The longer you date him, the harder it will be for you to leave. In the bottom of your heart and soul, you know that letting him go would be the better and smarter thing to do…. but it’s so damn hard!

 

Most men that have affairs do not leave their wives for the “other woman”. Same thing goes for married women. Even if he does leave his wife, there is no guarantee that he won’t do the same thing with you, and the next woman after you. An acquaintance of mine, Maria, was dating a married man. She wanted to leave him but couldn’t. She was crazy about him. He kept on promising her to leave his wife, year after year. After 5 years, he still did not leave his wife, and he never did after. Maria ended up wasting 5 years with a man that was sharing his heart with two women. He told her that he doesn’t sleep with his wife anymore, and doesn’t even love her, but still he did not make an attempt to start a new life with Maria! She met him at 35 years old, and is now 40 with a broken heart and wasted time.

 

Dating married people is like being stuck with a bad Internet connection, and waiting for your favorite online store to load. Usually the page fails to load up, and the slow Internet crashes. You are putting your life on hold for a man/women that “might”, but most likely never will be yours. No matter how you try to justify it to yourself: “It really is true love”, or “S/he truly loves me”, “We are soul mates because we understand each other so well”… at the end of the day, a family is being wrecked. There is another woman on the other side who is miserable and suffering. She is trying to do everything do get her husband to notice her again. It’s an awful, painful and torturous feeling. Ask yourself this: can you truly love someone who is so disrespectful to his wife and family? He is having his cake and eating it too. Two women who want him, and he gets to decide what, where, when and with whom. Be honest to yourself, is this the life you really want?

 

I have seen a few friends suffer like never before. My advice to you would be to never start dating anyone who is married, and if you happen to find out later, break it off immediately. You will save your heart, soul, and a family! If s/he did this “with you”, then s/he will do this “to you” as well. Karma is also at risk here. You don’t want the same thing happening to you when you are married! Drop them and take care of yourself. You deserve a wonderful person that will fall in love with you, and make you their one-and-only! You deserve the very best, and do not need to share your partner with anyone else. Be smart and choose to lead an honest, honorable and happy life.

 

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Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. 1354 437 Galia Brener

Congratulations! You met a great guy who is sweet and wonderful to you. You go out on a few dates, and everything seems to run smoothly. You get the mesmerizing butterflies in your stomach, and feel like you can glide through the silver clouds. Saturday night comes and he takes you out for a delicious romantic dinner. You have a few glasses of wine and feel yourself melting away into paradise. All of a sudden, he mentions something the rips you right out of bliss and throws you violently into hell! Topic? The ex. A few stories are exchanged, and he reveals that he cheated on her. No, “of course” he didn’t mean to. It was no big deal… the love was already over… it was just a kiss, just a finger, just a rub, just fast sex, just whatever. Blah blah – yes you heard correctly. He cheated on her. And of course he would “never” do that to you. Well guess what? Most likely he will: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My friend Gloria fell for this type of “cheating-gentleman”. They met at an art exhibition at the SCHIRN in front of a piece that he loved, and she hated. He was used to all the girls agreeing with him, so her counter opinion turned him on. Jimmy was very attractive. He was the classical tall, dark and handsome lawyer. Everything on him was made to perfection, and his seemingly friendly, warm smile captivated Gloria from the very first moment. They started dating and she fell head over heels for him in the first week. Everything was going well until she found out from a friend that he once cheated on her best friend. She was shocked but didn’t mention it to him, because she thought with her he will be different, and besides, it was a long time ago. As the months went by, she noticed their time spent together was decreasing. Whenever they were out, he went to the bathroom with his phone, and turned it face down on the table. He had whispered calls, and sometimes didn’t call or text her in the evening and morning. On Saturday he was supposedly sick, so Gloria went to the Kleinmarkthalle to buy him stuff to make a soup. When she arrived at his flat, someone was leaving downstairs and held the door open for her. As she made it to the second floor, she saw Jimmy saying goodbye and kissing a girl that spent the night at his place.

Poor Gloria was devastated, and almost fell down the stairs because her knees were shaking so much. Fucking bastard. Of course he begged and said it didn’t mean anything, and he loved only her. He said it was a one-time deal and would never happen again! He was such a great actor because he even managed to squeeze a few tears out of his cold, lying eyes. Gloria gave him another chance. I pleaded with her not to do it, but she insisted that she loved him so much, and he swore on his life to never cheat on her again. Everything went well for the next half a year, and I was almost beginning to believe that some people really could change. However one day, Gloria found an anonymous letter in her mailbox with a photo inside. The photo depicted Jimmy with a beautiful brunette, having sex in a bathroom of a well-known trendy restaurant in Frankfurt.

This is a horrible feeling, especially if you really love someone. So how do you avoid this in the future? Well, the first and most important thing is your intuition! I like to ask, as a matter of conversation, “Have you ever cheated on a partner?” You’d be surprised how many men have actually answered “yes” to this question! There are also “cheating signs” to pay attention to within the relationship such as: he is spending less time with you, his clothing and style have suddenly or drastically changed, he spends more time in the office “working” later in the evenings, his telephone and Internet habits have changed, he looks – or even worse – flirts with other women, he takes the phone with him everywhere, including the bathroom and turns it face down on the table, he becomes less affectionate with you, the sex decreases, he doesn’t share his thoughts and feelings with you as much as before, he seems withdrawn and less attentive, he takes less interest in your life, he doesn’t talk about his future plans with you, or your common future together at all. Unless he has recently lost his job or made career changes, the signs above may indicate infidelity.

If you have the feeling he is cheating, I would advise you to talk to him about it. Communication and the lack of, will make or break your relationship. Personally for me, cheating is the worse thing that anyone can do in a relationship to hurt me. I cannot and will never tolerate it. Cheating is definitely a deal breaker for me, and I’m not one to give second chances. If marriage and children are involved it might be a different story. Better find yourself a man that will love and adore to be with you, and would do anything to stand by your side. Loyalty is very important for me, and I’m turned off right away when I hear that a man has cheated before. Even if he doesn’t cheat on me, I know that he did so before, and can do it again. I’ve heard too many cases of repeat cheaters, and unfortunately this doesn’t change. If you’re tough enough you can give one chance, but more than one would be absurd. A snake can change its skin, but never it’s personality. If he cheated on his ex with you, he will most likely do the same to you. Think twice dear ladies. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

The Bad Boys
The Bad Boys 1354 437 Galia Brener

James Dean, Jesse James, James Bond; no, they’re not just the James’ of our era. They also come in the form of: an immature selfish alcoholic who is one of the owners of a Frankfurt advertising agency, your local telecommunication design conception hip hop psychopath, named after an action hero’s inferior partner, a cheating and heartless Frankfurter pseudo rocker who happens to be a driving instructor, a balding asocial wannabe golf pro that has seen better days long ago, and others. My dear ladies, be warned! I am sure some of you have dated these very same fellows, not to mention other disturbed ones.Like toxic poison, these Bad Boys (BBs) are harmful, and emotionally dangerous for us. Yet so many women are mysteriously drawn and hypnotized by them, like men are to the sound of a V8 engine zooming down the street. For ages, women have been attracted to men that display a strong sense of alpha male dominance. A man who “initially” seems to be strong, confident, fearless, intelligent, witty, caring, successful, fun and rebellious! The delicious, exotic appetite for excitement and adventure, which keeps us breathless, coming back for more, because you never actually know what shall happen next! It’s a high. Uncontrollability, unpredictability, and a challenging dominance. It’s BDSM. They give the pain, and their admirers, a.k.a “the masochists”, receive the pain. However, the simple truth is: Bad Boys are not the Alpha Males. They are the imitators but not the duplicators.

In a gentleman’s magazine, the following advice is given to men on becoming a cool Bad Boy: “Women always want what they can’t have, so make yourself busy and scarce. Be a mystery man. Be unpredictable. Be a challenge – let her do the work to get you, don’t call her, do not answer her. Once you do have her, it’s up to you. You can either keep her or start the game allover again.”

The Good Guys ask themselves over and over, why do women like such jerks? A typical female reaction to a BB is largely due to her biological sense of nurturing. She wants to help him, change him, bring out the goodness in him, and make him love her forever. Another factor that comes to play is her oldest enemy – the Ego. It’s a huge challenge for her! She can be the one that rescued and converted him into a Good Guy. Imagine how wonderful, and what a rush it would be to catch one of these Bad Boys and domesticate him? No one else managed to do this before her, and boom! She did it! She feels like Superwoman, a Femme Fatale! Better than the rest. Of course that’s the fantasy, or rather I shall be precise and say that’s the “illusion” of the situation. In reality, what happens is that she is stuck with unrequited love. Oxford dictionary defines this as: “(of a feeling, especially love), not returned.” Short, simple and bloody painful. God bless the precision of Oxford English. No matter if you are a magnificently beautiful, intelligent, sweet, clever, successful, charming woman – or all of the above – he will have the next hunt, the next challenge, the next adventure, the next power rush, the next mark after you.

A successful businesswoman – let’s call her K – once told me, “Galia, I want to finally have that good, kind, loving and caring man in my life. I’m so tired of chasing the Bad Boys. I always end up getting hurt.” Later on, she got a message on WhatsApp, but did not answer it. I asked her who it was? She said, “Oh, some guy that has been calling everyday for the last week, wanting to ask me out.” To me, it sounded like he was really into her. “That’s wonderful!” I smiled. “No!” K said, “He writes or calls every day. He is pursuing me too much, and is not mysterious at all. I am not excited, because there is no challenge. Actually to be quite honest, he bores me.” In my personal opinion, he seemed sweet, kind, caring and wanted to show K a great evening. For K, he was not wild enough. According to the male advice in the magazine, he did not make himself busy and scarce enough. Is K a masochist, or simply like the rest of us? Where is the balance? Be careful what you wish for, it might come true.

In a very popular TV series, which we know and love, Carrie dates Mr. Big. He hurts her over and over again. For more than 6 years he played with her heart and soul. Humiliating her, leading her on, cheating on her, marrying someone else, coming back, and ruining her brief happiness with a good man. On her wedding day with Big, Carrie looked like a beautiful angel in her glamorous Vivienne dress, and innocent turquoise feather. She believed in him, and in their love, but he left her alone at the altar, and drove off. Yet, she still came back to him.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Some say that pain is the strongest emotion that one can feel. It’s more intense, and hits deeper than any other feeling. Does pain secretly feel better than happiness? Do we need to have personal dramas, so that life does not become boring? My Darlings, let’s be strong, and stop hurting ourselves. We have all been there. It’s time to break the pattern and choose a Good Guy. For those who believe or want to believe in this phenomenon known as “True Love”, I will leave you with a quote that I came across a few days ago:

“One day you’ll find someone who shows you why it never worked out with someone else.” And most likely, he will not be a Bad Boy.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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