Have you ever thought, “Oh great, the same shit, and asshole again!” Do you keep on meeting guys that end up playing and hurting you? Or do you meet women that use you, or cheat on you? Do you sometime feel that the world has ran out of good people to date, and you are left with the broken, damaged crap that no one else wants? Many of us experience the same dating catastrophes over and over again. However, is it really the fact that all the good ones are taken already, or have we simply not learned from our past mistakes? Perhaps the problem lies in us, and not them – especially if we experience the same issues with different people!
My friend Claudia started dating a new guy three months ago. Everything was going so perfectly at the beginning. He was writing and calling her daily, spending lots of time with her, adored and gave her many compliments, and invited her to romantic dates. She was on cloud nine, and felt that her life couldn’t get any better. The third month came along, and the same familiar arguments and fights started. She said, “Gali, I can’t believe that he turned on me like that! It was so amazing, and now the same nightmare started again like with my ex!” Similar issues and disagreements came up. She felt like she was reliving the same bad horror show, but with a different man. The same jealousy attacks, the same lack of attention and affection, the same disrespect and the same distancing. She felt her man slip slowly away through her fingers, and she couldn’t hold onto him any longer. So I asked myself, is this one also really an asshole, or was Claudia simply repeating her mistakes again?
Unfortunately the hardest part is the realization that we are the common denominator in all of our relationships. Either we choose the wrong people to date, or we make the same mistakes over and over again. If you realize that you always have bad issues with partners, then it’s time to take a serious look within yourself, because it might be something that we are doing wrong and not them.
It’s crucial to examine the mistakes you made in your past relationships. For example, were you often jealous with not much reason, or got stuck onto words said without much thought? Did you often walk with your ego a meter ahead of you, and defended yourself like in a war at every argument? Or were you not sympathetic enough to your partner? Were you too clingy, or simply not attentive enough? Did you evoke unnecessary drama or often felt insulted? Were you a good listener? Did you cheat on your love? Were there ridiculous expectations or assumptions? This is a very hard trying to do, but try to examine where you made your mistakes in the past, and what could have been avoided. We all had situations where we could have let go of small things, avoiding arguments and making it easier to keep the peace – but our selfish egos wouldn’t let us do that. These are all small things that add up and kill relationships. If you experience dating problems over and over again – then these are the exact issues that you didn’t learn from in the past. Don’t worry we ALL have these experiences, but now you have the chance to look back, learn, and save your next relationship.
However it might not always be the “big” mistakes stated above. Your mistake might be that you are simply choosing the wrong person again and again. We usually have a certain “type” of person that we are attracted to. Whether the appearance or the personality, we subconsciously go for the same one. Test the waters for new possibilities. Don’t get stuck on the same cookie-cutter type, because it’s obvious that it didn’t work out the last few times, so give yourself a break from this approach. Go to new unfamiliar places that different people frequent. You might be pleasantly surprised by the witty art lover, or the stiff banker – who might not be that stiff after all! What about the sporty type or the hobby cook at the kleinmarkthalle? Explore new terrains.
I came to the important realization that if I want to have a happy and healthy relationship, then I must learn from the mistakes from my past. That’s the only way of avoiding having the same crap follow me again and again. With every dating experience there must be some sort of evolution. You get to know yourself better in various situations and improve yourself. With my own personal experiences and what I see with my friends, I can honestly tell you that if you don’t learn from the past, you will not get any further, even with a new love. My friends and I were appalled by the dating scene – always having similar stress and strange situations – until I consciously decided to work on myself and become a better “me”. We need to stop blaming the others and see how we ourselves can become better and not make the same mistakes again. Or simply open your eyes and start choosing better partners for yourself. I can tell you from my past that it really does work! Learn from your mistakes and evolve. Curious if it can work for you as well? Go ahead and give it a try ;-)