unrequited love

Why do we chase the ones that don’t want us?

Why do we chase the ones that don’t want us? 1200 750 Galia Brener

Dear ladies and gentlemen, this is an article for you both. Why is it that sometimes, the ones we want don’t want us, and the ones we don’t want, actually do want us? It has been studied for many years but no perfect formula has been written as to why this happens. Can it be that we love a challenge? To conquer the one that seems unreachable for us? Or to know that we can have whomever we want to? Is this an ego issue? Or maybe it’s an excuse to not start something serious because deep inside we know that it will never happen? Whatever the reason is, I sit here now on my white leather couch and ask myself, “Why do we waste our time and chase the ones that don’t want us?!”


A perfect example for this is my friend Heather. A few months ago she met a really good guy. He was everything a girl could ever want. He was charming, funny, successful, classy, caring and more. However, she was not so attracted to him. They met at a good friend’s birthday party. Jim laid eyes on Heather the first second she stepped into his friend’s flat. He offered to hang her coat, made them both a drink, and they sat down to chat a bit. The hours flew by, and they ended up talking all evening. Healthier felt so comfortable and relaxed while talking to him. She was able to be herself and was not nervous around him at all. She always feels comfortable when she’s not into the guy. However, when she’s attracted to a man, she becomes very nervous and shy. She then starts to talk quickly and looses her true self and charm in the process. With Jim it was different. She felt normal and easy around him, like with a good friend.


Heather agreed to meet Jim for dinner the next weekend. He picked her up and took her to his favorite restaurant. He treated her like a princess the entire night. He ordered champagne and everything that she wanted on the menu. And topped it off with the most delicious hot chocolate cake. He tried his best to make her happy. They laughed, talked for hours and had a nice dinner. Heather was having fun, however she was thinking of Robbie the entire evening. Every hour, she looked at her phone, but of course Robbie did not write her. She has been waiting for his text or call for many days now. It drove her crazy that she always had to wait so long to hear from him! They went out a few times, but it was always many days or even weeks after their dates until he would show a sign of life again. Robbie didn’t make any effort to keep Heather in his life. It was she that ran after him. He only texted her when it was convenient for him, which was not very often!


Later that night she called and told me about her evening with Jim. I also know her “Robbie situation” and told her to forget him a long time ago! I told her to give Jim a chance, because he sounded like a good catch. However she was not attracted to him. What a damn bloody shame. She tried going out with Jim a few more times, but she never felt the desire to rip his clothes off and ride him! She didn’t feel that good pain in her stomach that made her crazy with lust. Yet every time she thought of Robbie, she would get wet within a few seconds. She wanted him so badly! It was driving her insane.


To make a long story short, Heather dropped Jim and continued chasing Robbie, who didn’t give a damn about her. Eventually they met again, he screwed her and called a few weeks later in the middle of the night, wanting only sex. Of course she wanted more from him and was hurt. She gave up on a good guy to chase an evil fairytale. But guess what? Heather is not the only one. Many men and women that I know had a similar experience, myself included! We are often automatically drawn to what we can’t have. The less they want us, the more we want them. Actually it’s sick, but that’s how our brain and heart works. What’s even sicker is that as soon as you stop trying, sometimes these people turn around and start running after you!


So I ask myself again, why do we chase the ones that don’t want us? We only end up getting hurt in the process. Sure you might get them for a night or two, but usually if there is no interest, it’s rare that they change their mind and stay with you for the long-term. They end up leaving and hurting us badly in the process and even destroying our self-esteem on the way out. The “Chasing Game” might be fun and exciting at the beginning, but it gets tiring really quickly, not to mention that for some it can develop a bad complex. I have learned that it doesn’t pay off to chase someone that doesn’t want me. I made a deal with myself to never do that again. Why waste time, energy and constant thought about someone that doesn’t care about me? It only makes me feel worse and no happiness will ever come of it. If they don’t want you, then it’s their loss and not yours! What makes me feel better is to realize that I am not everyone’s type and not every type is mine. Or like a good friend of mine says, “You win some, you lose some.” The best solution is to move on and make yourself available for someone who actually makes an effort to be with you! Heather now regrets not giving Jim a real chance. But he moved on already, and it’s too late. What a shame. Learn from her story and don’t miss out on a good partner.





The Bad Boys

The Bad Boys 1354 437 Galia Brener

James Dean, Jesse James, James Bond; no, they’re not just the James’ of our era. They also come in the form of: an immature selfish alcoholic who is one of the owners of a Frankfurt advertising agency, your local telecommunication design conception hip hop psychopath, named after an action hero’s inferior partner, a cheating and heartless Frankfurter pseudo rocker who happens to be a driving instructor, a balding asocial wannabe golf pro that has seen better days long ago, and others. My dear ladies, be warned! I am sure some of you have dated these very same fellows, not to mention other disturbed ones.Like toxic poison, these Bad Boys (BBs) are harmful, and emotionally dangerous for us. Yet so many women are mysteriously drawn and hypnotized by them, like men are to the sound of a V8 engine zooming down the street. For ages, women have been attracted to men that display a strong sense of alpha male dominance. A man who “initially” seems to be strong, confident, fearless, intelligent, witty, caring, successful, fun and rebellious! The delicious, exotic appetite for excitement and adventure, which keeps us breathless, coming back for more, because you never actually know what shall happen next! It’s a high. Uncontrollability, unpredictability, and a challenging dominance. It’s BDSM. They give the pain, and their admirers, a.k.a “the masochists”, receive the pain. However, the simple truth is: Bad Boys are not the Alpha Males. They are the imitators but not the duplicators.

In a gentleman’s magazine, the following advice is given to men on becoming a cool Bad Boy: “Women always want what they can’t have, so make yourself busy and scarce. Be a mystery man. Be unpredictable. Be a challenge – let her do the work to get you, don’t call her, do not answer her. Once you do have her, it’s up to you. You can either keep her or start the game allover again.”

The Good Guys ask themselves over and over, why do women like such jerks? A typical female reaction to a BB is largely due to her biological sense of nurturing. She wants to help him, change him, bring out the goodness in him, and make him love her forever. Another factor that comes to play is her oldest enemy – the Ego. It’s a huge challenge for her! She can be the one that rescued and converted him into a Good Guy. Imagine how wonderful, and what a rush it would be to catch one of these Bad Boys and domesticate him? No one else managed to do this before her, and boom! She did it! She feels like Superwoman, a Femme Fatale! Better than the rest. Of course that’s the fantasy, or rather I shall be precise and say that’s the “illusion” of the situation. In reality, what happens is that she is stuck with unrequited love. Oxford dictionary defines this as: “(of a feeling, especially love), not returned.” Short, simple and bloody painful. God bless the precision of Oxford English. No matter if you are a magnificently beautiful, intelligent, sweet, clever, successful, charming woman – or all of the above – he will have the next hunt, the next challenge, the next adventure, the next power rush, the next mark after you.

A successful businesswoman – let’s call her K – once told me, “Galia, I want to finally have that good, kind, loving and caring man in my life. I’m so tired of chasing the Bad Boys. I always end up getting hurt.” Later on, she got a message on WhatsApp, but did not answer it. I asked her who it was? She said, “Oh, some guy that has been calling everyday for the last week, wanting to ask me out.” To me, it sounded like he was really into her. “That’s wonderful!” I smiled. “No!” K said, “He writes or calls every day. He is pursuing me too much, and is not mysterious at all. I am not excited, because there is no challenge. Actually to be quite honest, he bores me.” In my personal opinion, he seemed sweet, kind, caring and wanted to show K a great evening. For K, he was not wild enough. According to the male advice in the magazine, he did not make himself busy and scarce enough. Is K a masochist, or simply like the rest of us? Where is the balance? Be careful what you wish for, it might come true.

In a very popular TV series, which we know and love, Carrie dates Mr. Big. He hurts her over and over again. For more than 6 years he played with her heart and soul. Humiliating her, leading her on, cheating on her, marrying someone else, coming back, and ruining her brief happiness with a good man. On her wedding day with Big, Carrie looked like a beautiful angel in her glamorous Vivienne dress, and innocent turquoise feather. She believed in him, and in their love, but he left her alone at the altar, and drove off. Yet, she still came back to him.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Some say that pain is the strongest emotion that one can feel. It’s more intense, and hits deeper than any other feeling. Does pain secretly feel better than happiness? Do we need to have personal dramas, so that life does not become boring? My Darlings, let’s be strong, and stop hurting ourselves. We have all been there. It’s time to break the pattern and choose a Good Guy. For those who believe or want to believe in this phenomenon known as “True Love”, I will leave you with a quote that I came across a few days ago:

“One day you’ll find someone who shows you why it never worked out with someone else.” And most likely, he will not be a Bad Boy.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.


Privacy / Datenschutz Preferences 

When you visit our website, it may store information through your browser from specific services, usually in the form of cookies. Here you can change your Privacy preferences. It is worth noting that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our website and the services we are able to offer.

Click to enable/disable Google Fonts.
Click to enable/disable Google Maps.
Click to enable/disable video embeds.
See our Privacy Policy / Datenschutz here: www.galiabrener.com/privacy-policy-datenschutz
Our website uses cookies, mainly from 3rd party services. Define your Privacy Preferences and/or agree to our use of cookies.