Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. 1354 437 Galia Brener

Congratulations! You met a great guy who is sweet and wonderful to you. You go out on a few dates, and everything seems to run smoothly. You get the mesmerizing butterflies in your stomach, and feel like you can glide through the silver clouds. Saturday night comes and he takes you out for a delicious romantic dinner. You have a few glasses of wine and feel yourself melting away into paradise. All of a sudden, he mentions something the rips you right out of bliss and throws you violently into hell! Topic? The ex. A few stories are exchanged, and he reveals that he cheated on her. No, “of course” he didn’t mean to. It was no big deal… the love was already over… it was just a kiss, just a finger, just a rub, just fast sex, just whatever. Blah blah – yes you heard correctly. He cheated on her. And of course he would “never” do that to you. Well guess what? Most likely he will: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My friend Gloria fell for this type of “cheating-gentleman”. They met at an art exhibition at the SCHIRN in front of a piece that he loved, and she hated. He was used to all the girls agreeing with him, so her counter opinion turned him on. Jimmy was very attractive. He was the classical tall, dark and handsome lawyer. Everything on him was made to perfection, and his seemingly friendly, warm smile captivated Gloria from the very first moment. They started dating and she fell head over heels for him in the first week. Everything was going well until she found out from a friend that he once cheated on her best friend. She was shocked but didn’t mention it to him, because she thought with her he will be different, and besides, it was a long time ago. As the months went by, she noticed their time spent together was decreasing. Whenever they were out, he went to the bathroom with his phone, and turned it face down on the table. He had whispered calls, and sometimes didn’t call or text her in the evening and morning. On Saturday he was supposedly sick, so Gloria went to the Kleinmarkthalle to buy him stuff to make a soup. When she arrived at his flat, someone was leaving downstairs and held the door open for her. As she made it to the second floor, she saw Jimmy saying goodbye and kissing a girl that spent the night at his place.

Poor Gloria was devastated, and almost fell down the stairs because her knees were shaking so much. Fucking bastard. Of course he begged and said it didn’t mean anything, and he loved only her. He said it was a one-time deal and would never happen again! He was such a great actor because he even managed to squeeze a few tears out of his cold, lying eyes. Gloria gave him another chance. I pleaded with her not to do it, but she insisted that she loved him so much, and he swore on his life to never cheat on her again. Everything went well for the next half a year, and I was almost beginning to believe that some people really could change. However one day, Gloria found an anonymous letter in her mailbox with a photo inside. The photo depicted Jimmy with a beautiful brunette, having sex in a bathroom of a well-known trendy restaurant in Frankfurt.

This is a horrible feeling, especially if you really love someone. So how do you avoid this in the future? Well, the first and most important thing is your intuition! I like to ask, as a matter of conversation, “Have you ever cheated on a partner?” You’d be surprised how many men have actually answered “yes” to this question! There are also “cheating signs” to pay attention to within the relationship such as: he is spending less time with you, his clothing and style have suddenly or drastically changed, he spends more time in the office “working” later in the evenings, his telephone and Internet habits have changed, he looks – or even worse – flirts with other women, he takes the phone with him everywhere, including the bathroom and turns it face down on the table, he becomes less affectionate with you, the sex decreases, he doesn’t share his thoughts and feelings with you as much as before, he seems withdrawn and less attentive, he takes less interest in your life, he doesn’t talk about his future plans with you, or your common future together at all. Unless he has recently lost his job or made career changes, the signs above may indicate infidelity.

If you have the feeling he is cheating, I would advise you to talk to him about it. Communication and the lack of, will make or break your relationship. Personally for me, cheating is the worse thing that anyone can do in a relationship to hurt me. I cannot and will never tolerate it. Cheating is definitely a deal breaker for me, and I’m not one to give second chances. If marriage and children are involved it might be a different story. Better find yourself a man that will love and adore to be with you, and would do anything to stand by your side. Loyalty is very important for me, and I’m turned off right away when I hear that a man has cheated before. Even if he doesn’t cheat on me, I know that he did so before, and can do it again. I’ve heard too many cases of repeat cheaters, and unfortunately this doesn’t change. If you’re tough enough you can give one chance, but more than one would be absurd. A snake can change its skin, but never it’s personality. If he cheated on his ex with you, he will most likely do the same to you. Think twice dear ladies. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Avoid falling in love with a donkey

Avoid falling in love with a donkey 1354 437 Galia Brener

We live in a world where things move quickly, and people do not really take the time to get to know each other well. A couple meets, dates, falls in “love” – or most likely in “lust”, gets into some fights, and then “Next!” They split up because “It didn’t work out” – and around the corner are ten new boys and girls waiting. I ask myself, what ever happened to taking the time and dating, romancing and getting to know each other properly? How well do we actually know the person we suddenly fall so madly in love with? Can we avoid falling for the wrong person and save ourselves the torturous pain?

My friend Ambrosia met a man who she was absolutely sure was the love of her life. On their first date, he took her out a romantic dinner in a hidden away restaurant, on a warm summer evening, and they talked about life under the night sky. It was like a scene out of a movie. Right there and then she fell hopelessly und utterly in love with him. They started dating, and spent every day together. He was charming, romantic, and appeared to be kind and caring. Some time passed, and the first fights started. She closed her eyes on what she thought were the “small things”. Ambrosia convinced herself that these were simply short bad phases that will pass.

Unfortunately month after month, he kept changing towards her. She was beginning to see his true dark nature, but she didn’t want her pink bubble to burst and see the truth. His disrespect towards her grew. He took her for granted, didn’t treat her well, and also began to be verbally abusive. He put her down, and was everything but compassionate and empathetic towards her. What the hell was happening? How could the love of her life, and supposed soulmate turn into such a monster right in front of her eyes? She made him out to be a prince charming in her heart and mind, which was actually a completely different person than he really was! It all ended horribly with a broken heart that was difficult for her to heal. She felt so devastated and betrayed by him. His true nature finally came out, and it was very ugly. She asked me, how could she have been so blind?

The problem was that he didn’t just “become” a mean guy. He was this same guy all along, but managed to somehow blind her with his artificial sparkling personality and charm. There is a Russian saying, “Love is a bitch, and can even make you fall in love with a donkey!” – in other words, love can blind you enough to fall for an asshole. Do you want to spare yourself a broken heart in the future? Here’s what you can do to minimize your chances of meeting a donkey disguised as a prince:

Observe: Listen, and let him speak more at the beginning, especially the first few dates. We women love to talk, and sometimes do not shut up enough, but this is very necessary at the beginning, so you can actually hear what’s going on in his brain. Pay close attention to what and how he says it. Does he talk bad about people, criticize and complain a lot? (Speaking badly about the ex is not a good sign – a gentleman never bad-mouths any women). Does he make nasty jokes at the expense of others? How does he respond to various situations? Does he keep calm, or is he short-tempered, and freaks out quickly? Observe his relationship with his family. Is he kind and caring towards his grandmother, mother, or sister? What are this thoughts and action patterns – is he bossy, judgmental or mean?

Actions speak louder than words: Do his actions match the things he says? Is he trustworthy and reliable when promising something? How does he act around elderly people or animals – is he kind to them? Does he do good deeds? It’s one thing to write sweet things to you, but does he also do these sweet things? Does he call you mostly in the later hours (make sure it’s not a booty call thing for him).
Ask questions: Play Sherlock Holmes (no, not the sex game – that comes later), and dig a bit deeper. Ask him about his childhood, life plans and dreams. Ask some strange and surprising questions simply to see how he reacts. What also helps is no sex right away. I know this sounds super old-fashioned, but the longer you wait to sleep with him, the more you find out about him. Let him romance you first, and make an effort to get you. Things that are acquired “too easily” are never cherished as much as those that one must work and make an effort for.

There are many “small things” that can give you a glimpse into the heart, soul and mind of a man. You must turn your antennae on, and recognize all of his signals, because men give out a lot of information in the first few months. I have been there myself before, and know how important it is to look deeper within someone. Once upon a time I’ve fallen so hard on my ass due to love, and it took a while to join the living again, so please try not to repeat my mistake. Most important, do not lie to yourself. You know those situations when he says or does something strange and your stomach jumps up and tries to escape through your mouth, but you let it go because you want this to work out. Well, if your gut is telling you that something is wrong, then it most likely is. Women are born with a built-in sensor, better known as the “Intuition”. Learn to use this strange Intuition-thing more often to avoid falling in love with the next donkey, no matter how handsome and charming he is. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open. My Mama always says to wear the “Truth Goggles” to clearly see who is standing in front of you.

The Bad Boys

The Bad Boys 1354 437 Galia Brener

James Dean, Jesse James, James Bond; no, they’re not just the James’ of our era. They also come in the form of: an immature selfish alcoholic who is one of the owners of a Frankfurt advertising agency, your local telecommunication design conception hip hop psychopath, named after an action hero’s inferior partner, a cheating and heartless Frankfurter pseudo rocker who happens to be a driving instructor, a balding asocial wannabe golf pro that has seen better days long ago, and others. My dear ladies, be warned! I am sure some of you have dated these very same fellows, not to mention other disturbed ones.Like toxic poison, these Bad Boys (BBs) are harmful, and emotionally dangerous for us. Yet so many women are mysteriously drawn and hypnotized by them, like men are to the sound of a V8 engine zooming down the street. For ages, women have been attracted to men that display a strong sense of alpha male dominance. A man who “initially” seems to be strong, confident, fearless, intelligent, witty, caring, successful, fun and rebellious! The delicious, exotic appetite for excitement and adventure, which keeps us breathless, coming back for more, because you never actually know what shall happen next! It’s a high. Uncontrollability, unpredictability, and a challenging dominance. It’s BDSM. They give the pain, and their admirers, a.k.a “the masochists”, receive the pain. However, the simple truth is: Bad Boys are not the Alpha Males. They are the imitators but not the duplicators.

In a gentleman’s magazine, the following advice is given to men on becoming a cool Bad Boy: “Women always want what they can’t have, so make yourself busy and scarce. Be a mystery man. Be unpredictable. Be a challenge – let her do the work to get you, don’t call her, do not answer her. Once you do have her, it’s up to you. You can either keep her or start the game allover again.”

The Good Guys ask themselves over and over, why do women like such jerks? A typical female reaction to a BB is largely due to her biological sense of nurturing. She wants to help him, change him, bring out the goodness in him, and make him love her forever. Another factor that comes to play is her oldest enemy – the Ego. It’s a huge challenge for her! She can be the one that rescued and converted him into a Good Guy. Imagine how wonderful, and what a rush it would be to catch one of these Bad Boys and domesticate him? No one else managed to do this before her, and boom! She did it! She feels like Superwoman, a Femme Fatale! Better than the rest. Of course that’s the fantasy, or rather I shall be precise and say that’s the “illusion” of the situation. In reality, what happens is that she is stuck with unrequited love. Oxford dictionary defines this as: “(of a feeling, especially love), not returned.” Short, simple and bloody painful. God bless the precision of Oxford English. No matter if you are a magnificently beautiful, intelligent, sweet, clever, successful, charming woman – or all of the above – he will have the next hunt, the next challenge, the next adventure, the next power rush, the next mark after you.

A successful businesswoman – let’s call her K – once told me, “Galia, I want to finally have that good, kind, loving and caring man in my life. I’m so tired of chasing the Bad Boys. I always end up getting hurt.” Later on, she got a message on WhatsApp, but did not answer it. I asked her who it was? She said, “Oh, some guy that has been calling everyday for the last week, wanting to ask me out.” To me, it sounded like he was really into her. “That’s wonderful!” I smiled. “No!” K said, “He writes or calls every day. He is pursuing me too much, and is not mysterious at all. I am not excited, because there is no challenge. Actually to be quite honest, he bores me.” In my personal opinion, he seemed sweet, kind, caring and wanted to show K a great evening. For K, he was not wild enough. According to the male advice in the magazine, he did not make himself busy and scarce enough. Is K a masochist, or simply like the rest of us? Where is the balance? Be careful what you wish for, it might come true.

In a very popular TV series, which we know and love, Carrie dates Mr. Big. He hurts her over and over again. For more than 6 years he played with her heart and soul. Humiliating her, leading her on, cheating on her, marrying someone else, coming back, and ruining her brief happiness with a good man. On her wedding day with Big, Carrie looked like a beautiful angel in her glamorous Vivienne dress, and innocent turquoise feather. She believed in him, and in their love, but he left her alone at the altar, and drove off. Yet, she still came back to him.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Some say that pain is the strongest emotion that one can feel. It’s more intense, and hits deeper than any other feeling. Does pain secretly feel better than happiness? Do we need to have personal dramas, so that life does not become boring? My Darlings, let’s be strong, and stop hurting ourselves. We have all been there. It’s time to break the pattern and choose a Good Guy. For those who believe or want to believe in this phenomenon known as “True Love”, I will leave you with a quote that I came across a few days ago:

“One day you’ll find someone who shows you why it never worked out with someone else.” And most likely, he will not be a Bad Boy.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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