We live in a world where things move quickly, and people do not really take the time to get to know each other well. A couple meets, dates, falls in “love” – or most likely in “lust”, gets into some fights, and then “Next!” They split up because “It didn’t work out” – and around the corner are ten new boys and girls waiting. I ask myself, what ever happened to taking the time and dating, romancing and getting to know each other properly? How well do we actually know the person we suddenly fall so madly in love with? Can we avoid falling for the wrong person and save ourselves the torturous pain?
My friend Ambrosia met a man who she was absolutely sure was the love of her life. On their first date, he took her out a romantic dinner in a hidden away restaurant, on a warm summer evening, and they talked about life under the night sky. It was like a scene out of a movie. Right there and then she fell hopelessly und utterly in love with him. They started dating, and spent every day together. He was charming, romantic, and appeared to be kind and caring. Some time passed, and the first fights started. She closed her eyes on what she thought were the “small things”. Ambrosia convinced herself that these were simply short bad phases that will pass.
Unfortunately month after month, he kept changing towards her. She was beginning to see his true dark nature, but she didn’t want her pink bubble to burst and see the truth. His disrespect towards her grew. He took her for granted, didn’t treat her well, and also began to be verbally abusive. He put her down, and was everything but compassionate and empathetic towards her. What the hell was happening? How could the love of her life, and supposed soulmate turn into such a monster right in front of her eyes? She made him out to be a prince charming in her heart and mind, which was actually a completely different person than he really was! It all ended horribly with a broken heart that was difficult for her to heal. She felt so devastated and betrayed by him. His true nature finally came out, and it was very ugly. She asked me, how could she have been so blind?
The problem was that he didn’t just “become” a mean guy. He was this same guy all along, but managed to somehow blind her with his artificial sparkling personality and charm. There is a Russian saying, “Love is a bitch, and can even make you fall in love with a donkey!” – in other words, love can blind you enough to fall for an asshole. Do you want to spare yourself a broken heart in the future? Here’s what you can do to minimize your chances of meeting a donkey disguised as a prince:
Observe: Listen, and let him speak more at the beginning, especially the first few dates. We women love to talk, and sometimes do not shut up enough, but this is very necessary at the beginning, so you can actually hear what’s going on in his brain. Pay close attention to what and how he says it. Does he talk bad about people, criticize and complain a lot? (Speaking badly about the ex is not a good sign – a gentleman never bad-mouths any women). Does he make nasty jokes at the expense of others? How does he respond to various situations? Does he keep calm, or is he short-tempered, and freaks out quickly? Observe his relationship with his family. Is he kind and caring towards his grandmother, mother, or sister? What are this thoughts and action patterns – is he bossy, judgmental or mean?
Actions speak louder than words: Do his actions match the things he says? Is he trustworthy and reliable when promising something? How does he act around elderly people or animals – is he kind to them? Does he do good deeds? It’s one thing to write sweet things to you, but does he also do these sweet things? Does he call you mostly in the later hours (make sure it’s not a booty call thing for him).
Ask questions: Play Sherlock Holmes (no, not the sex game – that comes later), and dig a bit deeper. Ask him about his childhood, life plans and dreams. Ask some strange and surprising questions simply to see how he reacts. What also helps is no sex right away. I know this sounds super old-fashioned, but the longer you wait to sleep with him, the more you find out about him. Let him romance you first, and make an effort to get you. Things that are acquired “too easily” are never cherished as much as those that one must work and make an effort for.
There are many “small things” that can give you a glimpse into the heart, soul and mind of a man. You must turn your antennae on, and recognize all of his signals, because men give out a lot of information in the first few months. I have been there myself before, and know how important it is to look deeper within someone. Once upon a time I’ve fallen so hard on my ass due to love, and it took a while to join the living again, so please try not to repeat my mistake. Most important, do not lie to yourself. You know those situations when he says or does something strange and your stomach jumps up and tries to escape through your mouth, but you let it go because you want this to work out. Well, if your gut is telling you that something is wrong, then it most likely is. Women are born with a built-in sensor, better known as the “Intuition”. Learn to use this strange Intuition-thing more often to avoid falling in love with the next donkey, no matter how handsome and charming he is. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open. My Mama always says to wear the “Truth Goggles” to clearly see who is standing in front of you.