arguing

Don’t fight, talk it out!

Don’t fight, talk it out! 1200 400 Galia Brener

Love is a wonderful thing, because it inspires one to be the best they can be. However, love alone is not enough to make a relationship successful. For this, love’s best friend, named “Communication” must come in and do its support work.

 

Unfortunately today, more people tend to break up, rather than fight for their love. It’s almost as if we are losing our energy and willpower to hold onto this concept. Giving it up and resting for a bit sounds like a real relief. “So what?” we think, surely the next one, or even a better one shall come along? However, that is not always the case. When did we lose our ability to open up our mouths and tell our partner what we need, feel and think?

 

An acquaintance of mine, lets call her Carla, is married to a national football player. When they first met, they were crazy about each other. They had wild passionate sex in every place imaginable! After a while, the sex went from everyday, to twice a week, and eventually twice a month. It was horrible, because Carla felt rejected and unattractive. This pushed her to do strange diets, which made her walk around constantly hungry and aggressive. Her self-esteem vanished and she even considered some unnecessary plastic surgery to make her husband hungry for her again! One day, we were having lunch, and I told her to sit down and talk to him like she was doing with me. I told her to pretend that he is just her friend and spill her guts out to him. Carla was horrified at this idea, thinking that he will use her honesty against her in some future argument, or that he will think that she is weak and pathetic. Finally she had the nerves to do this. After a bottle of Barolo, Carla opened up her heart to him. She told him things that she never told another living soul! She told him about her insecurity and fear of losing him. He was sure that she would have another hysterical fit like she always did, but this time she stayed calm. Her honest and relaxed way of speaking both surprised him and deeply touched his heart. He admitted to her that he was depressed because she always walked around the house angry and didn’t seem to notice him at all anymore. Plus she lost so much weight and he missed her curvier figure. Carla was so happy to hear this! At the end, both were suffering from the same reason. Lack of communication and honesty! Ever since that conversation, they have kept their communication lines open and are happier now than ever! They saved their love!

 

We have many reasons for lack of communication with our partners. Perhaps we are scared to lose them? Or don’t want to start a fight again and again? Or we feel that they wont understand us? For example, you two are going out for dinner and you make yourself beautiful. He comes home after a long day at work, gets ready for the dinner, and doesn’t comment on how amazing you look. You ask yourself, “Why doesn’t he compliment me anymore?” This makes you sad. You are quieter than usual, and he senses the tension between you. He asks what’s wrong, and you say…”Nothing.” Ladies, we have all been there. Maybe not in this exact situation, but we have all been guilty of saying, “Nothing is wrong”, when in reality, you want to hit him on the head with your purse, like those grandmothers in the classic movies! Wouldn’t it be nice if men were really as psychic as we wish them to be? In reality, they have no clue what the hell is going on in our heads when we say, “Nothing is wrong”, while we are boiling inside! Of course it’s easier to go and complain to our friends about him, but this will not solve the problem. Instead, take the situation into your hands, open your mouth and tell him what’s wrong.

 

With every misunderstanding and fight, you add “frustration drops” into an invisible bucket. Eventually it gets too full – meaning that all the crap adds up on top of the other until it eventually blows up into a huge argument – which may lead to a separation. I also made the experience that men simply shut down at displays of hysterics, screams, emotional outbursts, bitchiness and accusations. Pick a time when both of you are in a good mood and start the conversation in a calm and relaxed way. Do not do this directly after a fight, because both sides are still angry, and open communication will not work properly. Hurtful words will be said because that’s when the evil ego is at its strongest – waiting to defend itself and attack! Wait until the emotions and temper have cooled down.

 

Open your mouth and talk. Try to get over the stupid ego and open yourself up to your partner. If they truly love you, then they wont judge you. By the way, same rules apply for friendships, work situations, family, etc. Be the smart one and start a new way of open communication with the ones you love. It’s worth it! Besides, you will see what a huge relief it is to share your true thoughts, feeling and fears. Don’t fight… talk it out!

 

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Jealousy kills relationships!

Jealousy kills relationships! 1200 400 Galia Brener

Did you ever have the feeling that your blood is boiling and fire will soon flare out of your nose? Why? Because your partner is looking at, or talking to the beautiful girl beside you at the bar! However in reality, he is simply being polite and asking if she can make space for him to order something for the both of you. If this situation sounds familiar to you, then you are part of the Jealousy Club. Welcome. There are many of us. I have been a member since my first relationship, but thankfully I have killed this horrific habit throughout the years.

 

What can we do to overcome the battle with the Jealousy Demon? Sometimes I fear that jealousy over a partner can last for a lifetime, but actually it really is possible to work on this and destroy this monster! Do we have the power within ourselves to send this jealousy demon back to hell, where he belongs?

 

This brings me back to a story about my close friend Jilli. She went with her new love, Leo, to a club in Frankfurt. They had a few drinks and hit the dance floor. It was a lovely Saturday night, and the place was filled with beautiful people. They were dancing and having a great time, when all of a sudden, she spotted a pretty blonde woman smiling and winking at Leo! Jilli looked at him and noticed that he was smiling in the direction of this woman. Jilli felt the evil green claws of the Jealousy Demon scratching her from the feet to the throat. She turned around and walked towards the bar with a mission to drown her anger with a vodka shot. Leo rushed after Jilli, not knowing what happened, and why she walked away from him. She told him what she saw. He couldn’t believe her words! He loved her so much and swore that he would never do anything to hurt her. He said that his look in this particular direction was a coincidence, and that he didn’t even notice the woman that Jilli mentioned! Leo is a very tall and handsome man. It’s normal that he gets attention from women that find him very attractive, but he doesn’t do anything to instigate this. It’s not his fault that women stare at him. Jilli was very upset and walked out of the club, while confused Leo was running after her. Outside, the full effect of the vodka hit them both. Emotions were rising, and hurtful words were being said. What started off as a romantic evening turned into a horrific rollercoaster ride to hell and back. Until this day, Jilli doesn’t know if Leo was flirting back with that girl or not, but the only thing that’s left is the question if she trusts him or not? What could she do, it was his word against her alcohol-tainted impression of that evening.

 

Most of us have stared the Jealousy Demon directly in the eyes. Sometimes, this lifeless demon enters your body, and tortures you alive, until it has killed everything that you truly love! If I analyze various situations, I would say that jealousy in love comes from insecurities. We are not made of stone. We have feelings and emotions. The best way to overcome these insecurities is to work on ourselves, and learn to love and accept ourselves as we are – with our flaws and imperfections! Jealousy can also occur because of many other reasons. One of them is because we are afraid to lose our partner to the “competition”. There will always be a prettier, taller, skinnier, smarter and cuter woman than us. At the same time, another woman might think that you are the prettier one. Another reason might be that we make false interpretations of the behavior of our partners (Jilli thought that Leo was looking at the other woman, while he swore that he did not). These are simply wrong assumptions! A painful situation from the past might also influence jealousy, or not enough attention from your partner might also be the problem.

 

With jealousy we are hurting our partner in the process, but even more, we are ourselves the most! I am not saying that you must accept a cheating man/woman, but try to examine the situation and see if your fears can be really backed up by solid facts? Sometimes we see something from the corner of our eye that we think is a fact, when in reality all is not as it seems. What I can advise you is to have an open and honest communication with your partner. As hard as it may be, try to talk calmly about the situation before exploding at them.

 

Aside from our own insecurities, jealousy mostly occurs because of a trust issue. You must open up to your partner and talk about it. Trust is the most important element of a healthy relationship. Without it, the Jealousy Demon will constantly come back to haunt you. If your partner is awful to you, and gives you a reason not to trust them, then you must re-evaluate your relationship. However, if your partner doesn’t give you a reason not to trust them, then the problem lies within you. One must search deep within her/himself to figure out what makes them so jealous. This is a very hard and awkward process, but if you have the strength to do this, then you will find a way to beat this battle within you. Some people say that jealousy is a sickness, but I think that it’s like an allergy that you either try to eliminate throughout the years, or learn to live with. The choice is yours to make.

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Photo by: David Helmrich
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