no sex

Can sex really be just “casual”?

Can sex really be just “casual”? 1200 400 Galia Brener

We live in an unfortunate time where dating different partners is as easy as owning many pairs of shoes. Whenever a newer, sought-after style comes out, we quickly forget the studded-sneaker of last year, and run to the stores to buy something new. As soon as these shoes go out of style, there will surely come something newer, shinier, and prettier… but does that automatically make it better? Just like we change and throw out our shoes, our society has made it acceptable to do the same with partners that we date and sleep with. Why did this become a “made-for-one-time-use-only” disposable generation? Like the answers to a multiple test in school: A, B, C, D, all, or none of the above – we live in a multiple-choice society!


Jules and I went for a Bloody Mary at Vai Vai last week. She told me that she met a nice guy at a party in Frankfurt. That evening they had a long chat about life, relationships, philosophy, and other fascinating topics. After the party, they kept in touch, and have decided to meet again. They had a wonderful evening of delicious food and drinks, and ended up going to his place. This mystery man was fascinated with Jules, kissing her all the way up the stairs to his flat. They laughed, shared some private jokes, and had passionate sex into the early morning hours. After waking up, they had some coffee, and she left. A week has passed, and Jules is still waiting for him to call. Meanwhile, our mystery man has disappeared. For him, it was just casual sex. For her, it was not so casual!


Casual Sex: how do you feel the next morning, after the glittery glamorous butterfly effects of the alcohol has worn off, the make-up is smeared all over the face, the person you shared your body with is sleeping on the other end of the bed, back turned to you, and you feel… empty. The heart wants more. It wants to be hugged, caressed, loved, cuddled and be assured that the world is a beautiful and bright place to live in. But reality strikes when you open your eyes the next morning, and see the look in the other’s face, the looks that says without words, “Please leave my flat, I do not want to deal with you in my bed now… or ever.” That’s the look that makes you get dressed as quickly as possible, leave the scene of the crime, take the torturous walk of shame home, and try to forget that this ever happened. Do we really ever forget these events? Or do they haunt and torture us, taking with them a small piece of our heart, leaving a tiny empty hole.


Expectation management: There are some that simply love sex. They adore the exploration of the body, having a thrilling night of passion and seduction, without any strings attached. They think: why settle down for one, when there can be a new one as often as wanted? Instead of one pair of Louboutin sneakers, why not have 10 in all different colors!? It’s casual sex between two consenting adults – but this should be discussed before jumping into bed, so that nobody gets hurt afterwards. It has been observed that women are more likely to want more from a man after sex, whereas for some men, it is simply casual sex. However, this is not to say that the roles cannot be reversed. But usually women connect on an emotional level, whereas men tend to connect on a physical level.


What must be avoided is leading someone on with fake promises and illusions! This reminds me of a story that Gloria told me once. Years ago, she dated a guy for a few weeks – let’s call him “Fork-Man”. A few summers ago she saw him at a street fest in the city. They had a warm reunion and went to her house for a delicious glass of Barolo and a heart-to-heart conversation. He showered her with promises of a beautiful future together. She was looking into his bright blue eyes, charmed with every word that came out of his mouth. She figured that since they knew each other from the past, he would not lie to her. Gloria gave into his hypnotic tales of a “happy life together” and had sex with him. The next day he got dressed and left. It dawned upon her that his intentions were never true! He disgustingly lied his way into a night of casual sex with her. “Fork-Man” is a Frankfurt banker that comes from a small village. He is an empty walking ghost without happiness and joy for life. His selfishness and anger comes from the fact that he never got the proper love and warmth at home as a child. Therefore he became a bitter man who hurts and uses everyone else. Later, Gloria found out that Fork-Man has been calling and trying to sleep with a friend of hers as well. He knew that both girls know each other!


Saying all of the above, there have been times where casual sex has led to true love. I even know a couple that started dating and got engaged shortly after. Fairytales do come true. Fate is a marvelous thing that can surprise you! But be prepared that if you do have casual sex, the person you slept with might not call you the next day or even the next weeks. That’s the risk you are taking. Even if for you it was special, for him/her it might only be “casual” sex and nothing more.



No Sex with the Ex

No Sex with the Ex 1354 437 Galia Brener

It’s a cold winter Saturday night, and you have no plans to go out. You decide to order some delicious sushi, and watch your favorite movie on the couch wrapped in a blanket. You look at the warm crunchy tiger rolls, and memories race back to the times when you sat on the couch together with your ex, cuddled in that same blanket, and fed each other those rolls. Your heart automatically skips a beat. You know it didn’t work out, and you’re not even sure if breaking up was a good idea or not, but the longing feeling starts to gnaw at you, followed by a tingling feeling between your legs. Just thinking about him makes you hot. All of a sudden, your phone rings and it’s him! The connection is still there, and he was thinking about you at the same time! He says, “Hello” and you feel yourself melting into the couch. His voice brings you back to the good days. The tingling between your legs is getting stronger. He says he misses you, and wants to come over and see you. You’re longing to see him. Bloody hell, what are you going to do? You want to kiss and feel him again. You want his arms wrapped tightly around you, just one more time. What will you do?

My friend Heather was dating her boyfriend for three years, and one day they decided to split up. She was deeply grieving inside, because she still loved him. It took her a few months to stabilize her emotions, and slowly start feeling better. She was going out with her friends, enjoyed her days at the office, and even met a new guy. However one evening, her ex called and said he missed her, and wanted to see her. She knew it was a bad idea, but she needed his closeness, his touch and his love again. She put on her sexiest outfit, did her makeup and opened up a bottle of prosecco to calm her nerves. The doorbell rang and she let him in. She was so happy to see him. Her body was shaking a bit from the nervousness, and noticing that, he gave her a tight hug. They didn’t let go. They stood in this hugging position for minutes beside the door. Finally they slowly made it to the couch, and started catching up on the last few months. They had so much to tell each other. Heather felt so good to have him beside her again. She wanted to stop time, and have him stay there forever. Of course in this moment she forgot about all of the bad things he did to her. How he took her for granted, said bad words to her, didn’t respect or appreciate her. That dark crap was momentarily forgotten. After a deep conversation and a few glasses of wine, one thing led to another and they started kissing.

He held her face between his hands and pulled her towards him. Those lips. Damn it, how she missed those passionate lips on hers. This second, this minute was all she ever wanted and will ever need. The love and emotions rushed right back into her heart, and the bad stuff was immediately forgotten. His big hands started to explore her body, and his warm palms felt like burning coals on her skin. She was wet, and wanted him inside of her now! Again he had this effect on her. Every single fucking time! She still loved him, but she also hated him. This stupid bastard hurt and destroyed her so much, but she just couldn’t say no. She ripped open the buttons of his jeans, grabbed his big friend and sat on him. She took out all of her anger, sadness and bitterness while riding him, and made sure that he will get a show that he will never forget. She was rotating her hips in circles while sitting on him, and kissed his strong muscular chest. He wrapped him arms around her and forcefully pulled her towards him. She pressed her forehead against his neck. She breathed in the familiar smell, and felt the hot tears run down her face. They fell asleep in each other’s arms, like back in the good days. After they had breakfast, he gave her one of his famous mind-blowing-nipple-hardening kisses. He pulled her tightly to his chest, and she could hear his rotten heart beat. After a few minutes, he left.

When Heather told me this story, the hair on my neck was standing. Why do we do this to ourselves? Heather told me that she was hoping to get him back by allowing him into her life, and using the sex card. Well, let me tell you, the sex card hardly ever works – don’t confuse it for the joker card in a relationship. Just as I predicted, Heather fell back in love with him, and the ex simply used this comfortable situation. He kept on coming over to her place, she always fed him, slept with him, caressed him, gave him attention and passion, and he would leave the next day – his batteries fully charged, and hers rather empty. She talked to him a few weeks after they started the “Sex with the ex”-torment, and asked if he would like to give it another chance. His answer was, “Heather, you know it didn’t work out between us, and we don’t want to continue hurting each other. What we have now is nice, isn’t it?” BAM! Like a slap right in her face! Meaning – I like to have sex with you, but I don’t want to be with you. Who the hell needs this emotional sadomasochism?

Very rarely does sex with the ex brings couples back together. If it does, it is usually a very temporary phenomenon, and someone will end up getting hurt again. I would really suggest you not to sleep with your ex, especially if you still have feelings for him/her. No good will come of this, and you will only get emotionally slaughtered in the process. It’s like a wound that never heals, because you keep on ripping the scab off, and the blood continues to gush out. Let the wound heal. Let your heart heal. Instead of making yourself beautiful for your ex, take the time to go out there and meet someone new. Imagine having a clean fresh start, where everything is new and exciting. Wouldn’t it be great to meet the right one, instead of being sucked back into the quicksand? Actually, sex with the ex is mental masturbation, and I don’t think that sounds so appealing, does it?

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