bad boys

Break your dating pattern – try something new!
Break your dating pattern – try something new! 841 1065 Galia Brener

I have a confession to make. When I go to my favorite Thai restaurant, I order my favorite appetizer, with my favorite main dish, and drink my favorite juice. It’s been like that for the last two years. I always order the same thing, over and over again. Subconsciously I’m convinced that my “favorite” thing is also the “best” thing for me, but is this really true? Can it be that we are dating like Thai food orders, and always choosing the same “type” of person to date?

 

Why do I choose this same pattern? I order the same dish because I know that it will always taste good. The taste does not vary much, so I know that I will always be satisfied. Last week as I was standing in line to place my order, a small mischievous devil popped upon my right shoulder and whispered into my ear, “Galia, come on, be wild and order something new for once! It’s so damn boring!” Of course I was waiting for the lovely mini angel to pop upon my left shoulder and present a counter argument, but mysteriously, it did not! I thought, what the hell, I’ll live a little and be daring. I ordered a completely different exotic thing. I sat in anticipation to walk on the wild side, and waited for my meal. It finally arrived. The smell was magnificent, and the taste was even better! I was pleasantly surprised that there exists an even better option than my beloved Pad Thai, which I have been eating for years!

 

What stopped me from “ordering” something different, was the doubt and fear that something else might not taste as good as what I’m used to, which would lead to disappointment. Then the little voice in the head would say, “You see? You should have taken what you know would be good!” But without risking something new, you cannot encounter different tastes, experiences and pleasures in life. Similar to liking the same foods, we are also the same dating victims. We are so used to dating the same types, and also getting hurt in a similar pattern, that for us it has become almost “normal”! I only know a few friends that date completely random type of men and women, but most are drawn to the same character. We are restricting ourselves with our pattern of similar choices. I think it’s time to order something completely different on the “dating menu”, and enjoy the exquisite, unique taste and adventures!

 

My friend Gloria is the perfect example for this. Ever since I could remember, she was attracted to the bad boys. She called them the heartbreakers that she hated to love, and loved to hate. They didn’t look alike, but they had one major thing in common, they all hurt her. These men shared a certain kind of mystery and nonchalant attitude that kept her coming back. They were all creative types, with the same clothing style and designer flats, with pseudo intellectual friends, and a desperate desire to be alternatively cool. It was as if she was dating the same man over and over again. The last advertising agency owner she dated traded her in for younger tall brunette with big blue eyes, and other big things. Gloria felt humiliated and devastated! It was finally time for an immediate change.

 

A few weeks later, she went to Gibson with her best girlfriend, and had a fabulous evening there. They were drinking delicious cocktails, dancing and chatting with friends. As Gloria went to the bar to order drinks, a guy on her right side smiled and said hello. She smiled back, but was not interested in him. He was definitely not her type, but they continued talking while the drinks were being made. He was actually quite funny, and made her laugh. As she was leaving, he asked for her number. She hesitated, but her friend gave it to him. He was half a head shorter than her, soft around the belly, came from a conservative family, and was a banker with a funny and easy-going attitude. He was the exact opposite of all her ex boyfriends! She avoided him for a while, but he did not give up, until finally they met. The date was nice, and she felt like she could be herself with him. It took her some time to open and warm up to him. However, one date turned into more dates, which turned into a long-term relationship, which now turned into a fabulous engagement party. She has never been happier in her life!

 

Gloria is smart. She realized that something had to change if she wanted to be happy. Most of us are responsible for our own happiness or miseries because of the partner we choose and stay with. A good friend of mine once told me “Galia, it’s up to us to choose well for our future.” If you see that your dating pattern is bad for you, then make an immediate change! Take your friends to a completely different bar, in another city part that you usually hang out in, with different music and new people. Do something you don’t usually do on the weekends. Go out and try new things. New galleries, museums, gym, book or food stores, etc. You need a change of scene and environment. Break away from the old chain that constantly gets your into emotional trouble. It’s time to stop eating the same Pad Thai! Why not choose your next love be a completely different character than you are normally used to? You might be very surprised, and find your true love and happiness with someone that is grateful and appreciative to have you! After all, don’t you deserve the very best?

 

www.facebook.com/galiabrener

 

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Why do we chase the ones that don’t want us?
Why do we chase the ones that don’t want us? 1200 750 Galia Brener

Dear ladies and gentlemen, this is an article for you both. Why is it that sometimes, the ones we want don’t want us, and the ones we don’t want, actually do want us? It has been studied for many years but no perfect formula has been written as to why this happens. Can it be that we love a challenge? To conquer the one that seems unreachable for us? Or to know that we can have whomever we want to? Is this an ego issue? Or maybe it’s an excuse to not start something serious because deep inside we know that it will never happen? Whatever the reason is, I sit here now on my white leather couch and ask myself, “Why do we waste our time and chase the ones that don’t want us?!”

 

A perfect example for this is my friend Heather. A few months ago she met a really good guy. He was everything a girl could ever want. He was charming, funny, successful, classy, caring and more. However, she was not so attracted to him. They met at a good friend’s birthday party. Jim laid eyes on Heather the first second she stepped into his friend’s flat. He offered to hang her coat, made them both a drink, and they sat down to chat a bit. The hours flew by, and they ended up talking all evening. Healthier felt so comfortable and relaxed while talking to him. She was able to be herself and was not nervous around him at all. She always feels comfortable when she’s not into the guy. However, when she’s attracted to a man, she becomes very nervous and shy. She then starts to talk quickly and looses her true self and charm in the process. With Jim it was different. She felt normal and easy around him, like with a good friend.

 

Heather agreed to meet Jim for dinner the next weekend. He picked her up and took her to his favorite restaurant. He treated her like a princess the entire night. He ordered champagne and everything that she wanted on the menu. And topped it off with the most delicious hot chocolate cake. He tried his best to make her happy. They laughed, talked for hours and had a nice dinner. Heather was having fun, however she was thinking of Robbie the entire evening. Every hour, she looked at her phone, but of course Robbie did not write her. She has been waiting for his text or call for many days now. It drove her crazy that she always had to wait so long to hear from him! They went out a few times, but it was always many days or even weeks after their dates until he would show a sign of life again. Robbie didn’t make any effort to keep Heather in his life. It was she that ran after him. He only texted her when it was convenient for him, which was not very often!

 

Later that night she called and told me about her evening with Jim. I also know her “Robbie situation” and told her to forget him a long time ago! I told her to give Jim a chance, because he sounded like a good catch. However she was not attracted to him. What a damn bloody shame. She tried going out with Jim a few more times, but she never felt the desire to rip his clothes off and ride him! She didn’t feel that good pain in her stomach that made her crazy with lust. Yet every time she thought of Robbie, she would get wet within a few seconds. She wanted him so badly! It was driving her insane.

 

To make a long story short, Heather dropped Jim and continued chasing Robbie, who didn’t give a damn about her. Eventually they met again, he screwed her and called a few weeks later in the middle of the night, wanting only sex. Of course she wanted more from him and was hurt. She gave up on a good guy to chase an evil fairytale. But guess what? Heather is not the only one. Many men and women that I know had a similar experience, myself included! We are often automatically drawn to what we can’t have. The less they want us, the more we want them. Actually it’s sick, but that’s how our brain and heart works. What’s even sicker is that as soon as you stop trying, sometimes these people turn around and start running after you!

 

So I ask myself again, why do we chase the ones that don’t want us? We only end up getting hurt in the process. Sure you might get them for a night or two, but usually if there is no interest, it’s rare that they change their mind and stay with you for the long-term. They end up leaving and hurting us badly in the process and even destroying our self-esteem on the way out. The “Chasing Game” might be fun and exciting at the beginning, but it gets tiring really quickly, not to mention that for some it can develop a bad complex. I have learned that it doesn’t pay off to chase someone that doesn’t want me. I made a deal with myself to never do that again. Why waste time, energy and constant thought about someone that doesn’t care about me? It only makes me feel worse and no happiness will ever come of it. If they don’t want you, then it’s their loss and not yours! What makes me feel better is to realize that I am not everyone’s type and not every type is mine. Or like a good friend of mine says, “You win some, you lose some.” The best solution is to move on and make yourself available for someone who actually makes an effort to be with you! Heather now regrets not giving Jim a real chance. But he moved on already, and it’s too late. What a shame. Learn from her story and don’t miss out on a good partner.

 

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Are you his sex toy or his next girlfriend?
Are you his sex toy or his next girlfriend? 1354 437 Galia Brener
I have received many letters from women asking me how to tell if a guy has long-term intentions for them, or if he’s simply looking for a sex fling? This can be quite tricky because some people are willing to go to any measure, including selling white lies about a happy future together, just to get the girl in bed. I have asked many of my male friends about this, and almost all told me that when they first meet a girl, they can tell within the first hour of talking to her if she will be just a fling, or a future girlfriend. Luckily there are a few hints at the beginning, which let you know and feel if he only wants you for sex, or to be his girlfriend.

My friend Sandy had to learn this the hard way. Half a year ago she met a guy at a bar, and they hit it off quite well. They talked for a while, and ended the evening by kissing, but Sandy went home alone. She didn’t want to rush things and jump into bed with him because she liked him, and didn’t want it to be just about sex. He wasn’t happy that she didn’t want to sleep with him, but she didn’t notice that in her tipsy state. This was on a Wednesday evening, and she was sure that he would call or write on the weekend, but he didn’t. The next week on Tuesday he wrote her, asking to meet on Wednesday. I said that he’s not serious about her, otherwise he would have at least written a short message on the weekend asking how she’s doing. Sandy tried to brush it off by saying he’s probably busy.

They met on Wednesday and had dinner, went for drinks and then she took him home. She told him that she doesn’t want a fling but rather a relationship, and he said, “Sure, that’s what I want to.” They finally had sex, and it was “ok”, but nothing earth-shattering or mind blowing. Still, Sandy was lusting for him, and his smell played havoc with her brain. He was smart enough, but not the most intelligent man for deep conversations, so the dates were not the best ones she had. However, he “teased” her of a future together, also mentioning holidays and places he wanted to visit with her. His extremely attractive “outer shell” hooked her as well. The next morning he left, and this time she didn’t hear from him for almost an entire week. This was horrible for her because they had sex for the first time together. She wrote him a sweet sms, and it took him days to answer! I told her that this is just sex for him, and he’s not serious about her. She refused to listen to me. This fling lasted for 3 months of them seeing each other once a week, never on the weekends, and not getting closer emotionally at all. Sandy became sad and tired of his ways, and told him that this was not going anywhere. And guess what? He didn’t even try to keep her. He just let her go and she never heard from him again. She later found out that he had many other girls, with whom he was doing the same thing at the same time.

Here are two lists to show you the difference of what he really wants from you:

If he wants you only for sex or a fling:

1. He will text you only when he needs to fill his time once or twice a week, or is feeling hot and horny and needs a release. He keeps the communication to a minimum, only enough to keep you hooked and get sex from you.

2. When you meet him, you feel that your time together is very limited.

3. After a date you never know if that’s the last time you see him. He doesn’t make short-term or long-term plans with you.

4. Even if you say no, he still pushes too much to have sex with you when you’re making out.

5. He doesn’t take you along to places and evenings with his friends and family. You don’t get integrated into his life.

6. If you have problems, he doesn’t offer to help, and doesn’t really seem interested in your issues. He might even change the topic of conversation, or react inadequately to something that bothers you. If you’re sick, he tells you to get better and meet after you’re healthy again.

7. He does everything only for his convenience, and goes only where he wants. If he doesn’t like a place or event you mention, he won’t go there, even if he knows that it would make you happy.

8. He speaks mostly about himself, his life, his hobbies and his passions. He doesn’t ask you much about you and your life. He doesn’t care to ask about your friends and family.

9. When going out together, his eyes will be darting all over the place, looking at other women.

If he wants you to be his girlfriend:

1. He will write and call to see how you are doing – usually everyday, or every second day – because he cares and wants to stay in contact with you. He writes longer sentences, because he wants to keep a strong and constant communication with you.

2. He makes enough time to see you and be with you, because he wants to have you by his side.

3. Even during the date, he’s already mentioning the next time you meet, what you could do together, what you can see or experience together. He’s thinking long-term with you.

4. When you’re making out and you say no to sex, he’s a gentleman and doesn’t push you for more. He respects your wishes because he wants to keep you by his side.

5. He takes you to meet his friends, and also to meet his family. He’s proud to have you with him.

6. He listens carefully if you tell him about a problem you’re having, and offers his help right away. If you’re sick, he will bring you chicken soup. He’s there for you and cares about you.

7. Even if he hates the opera, street fests, or a certain party, restaurant or bar, he will go there with you because he knows that you like it, and it will make you happy.

8. He’s interested in your life, and asks many questions about you, your passions and goals in life. He’s interested about your family and friends, and wants to integrate himself into your life.

9. He will have eyes only for you, and you wont see him constantly looking at other women.

Ladies, I know how hard it is to admit to ourselves that the guy we like is not serious about us, but if you’re not honest with yourself, you will get hurt like my friend Sandy did. Open your eyes and hearts, and see what he really wants from. The best is to ask him what his intentions are for you. Straightforward communication is always important. If he’s lying, like in Sandy’s case, then you have to figure it out for yourself. We are women, and have a strong intuition. Let’s be honest, we feel and know right away what the man truly wants from us. But we lie to ourselves thinking that we can make him see our inner beauty and fall in love with us, and this is how we get hurt. So next time please keep your antennae up to see what he really wants from you. If you’re looking for a boyfriend, then make sure to follow my second list, and see if he behaves accordingly! Don’t allow yourself to be used sexually and emotionally, because you deserve better than that. You deserve real love.

Web: www.facebook.com/yesnomaybegalia

Gali, the Tinder police.
Gali, the Tinder police. 1354 437 Galia Brener

Dear cheaters, I’m sorry to have to do this, but you had enough of selfish dirty “fun” on the side. It’s time to bring the darkness out to face the light. Actually I’m not sorry at all for doing this. For those that know me well, know that I’m a warrior of love, and absolutely despise cheating. I think it’s the most cowardly thing to do when in a relationship. It’s egotistical, weak and extremely unkind! The act of cheating shows that a person has zero respect and compassion towards their partner and themselves. Thank you Tinder, for showing us who these people are.

During my few months on Tinder, I was astonished to see how many men are on there that are married or have wonderful girlfriends, which I know! I have discovered many men, from advertising agencies owners, to hotel, club and restaurant owners, to “kind” doctors, teachers and other “humanitarians” – all cheaters, without a soul or care about the pain they cause their partners. And it’s not only the men. There are exactly as many women cheaters on Tinder, trying to pull a few nasty orgasms on the side, while their husbands are away on business trips, working hard to bring home some money and give them a good life! What the hell is happening to this world? Are there no more morals, values and loyalty out there? I’ve always been old-fashioned, but have I missed the moment where fidelity became a thing of the past? Is it not cool anymore to be faithful to one partner, or has the world become so narcissistic that we need to have sex with 5 people at the same time, including our partner, just to prove to ourselves that we are still hot and wanted? I don’t get it, and I don’t even want to know, because I think it’s horrible and cruel. Ladies and gentlemen, we are moving further into the future, but it’s really time to bring back some solid old values. If you can’t be faithful, then don’t be in a relationship. Basta.

Another person I discovered on Tinder last week was the boyfriend of a very good friend of mine, Michelle. She’s a kind, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent and funny woman. Any guy should be happy and proud to have her by his side – except her asshole man, who I caught surfing Tinder shamelessly, looking to sleep around. I was there when Michelle met her guy some years ago, at a beautiful gala in Frankfurt. They laid eyes on each other, and she thought that he’s “The One”. They planned a wonderful future together, and she was waiting for the ring and proposal any day now. Last month they bought a flat in Westend together. It’s a flat to die for, but unfortunately those walls will not be hearing Michelle’s laughter. Instead of being the Wonderful-“One”-till-death-do-you-part, he turned out to be “The One” who bitterly hurt and humiliated her. Why buy a 1.7-Million Euro flat in Frankfurt for your happy life together, and then cheat on Tinder? The crazy thing is that two women sent me an email yesterday, saying that they have been “dating” this same greasy coward at the same time! What a mess!

This is how you can find out if your “loving” partner is cheating on you on Tinder (for both men and women). If you truly trust your partner, then don’t do it. If you feel something is fishy, then try it. I must warn you, be careful what you look for, because those who seek often find. The truth is not always nice.

1. Create a fake account on Facebook
2. Upload some beautiful photos (not of you of course) – make sure they look real and are not model/campaign photos.
3. Download Tinder, and create a profile.
4. Swipe, swipe, swipe, until you either find your partner or not. It’s a game of Russian roulette. You might be one of the lucky ones that have a good love on your side, who still has morals and is faithful.
5. If you do find your partner, click the match heart.
6. If s/he doesn’t click the match heart back, at least you now know that they are on Tinder.
7. If you get a “match” with your partner, then make a date with them, and give them a surprise from hell – where they are from.
8. This is a rough test, but it’s better to find out sooner than later. Always know that you deserve the best, and should have someone in your life that truly loves you, and wants to be only with you!

Even if these people are not meeting anyone on Tinder for sex, and are just “testing the waters”, this is actually the beginning of the end. If you think there’s something better out there for you, don’t waste your partner’s time and drag them along, while you’re “window shopping” for someone else! This is cruel and shameful. Let me remind the cheaters once again that Lady Karma is out there, and likes to get her revengeful claws deep into the flesh, digging out the heart and guts, full of dirty blood and tears. Cruelty will not go unpunished. If one causes pain to others, then it will come back to them – but much worse. So be aware. Karma doesn’t miss anyone. Sometimes it takes days or years, but she always manages to get her job done! So, liar liar pants on fire – get your ass off of Tinder, build up some courage, and do the decent human thing – talk to your partner and straighten things out! Either you are faithful or breakup, but don’t destroy a good person just because of your disgusting selfish need for cheap fast sex.

Players – male and female.
Players – male and female. 1354 437 Galia Brener

Welcome to an age where things move so fast, that even the aliens are almost ready to visit us. We live in a time where everyone is on the go, looking for bigger and better things. The ultimate career, the handsome alpha male husband, the top flawless figure, a bigger house, faster car, younger girlfriend – or maybe even two. The list goes on and on. More, bigger, faster, better. But in such a demanding and consuming society, where does this leave matters of the heart? Always wanting bigger and better, have we forgotten to slow down, smell the roses and fully open our hearts to true love?

My good friend Heather Klein is a very loving, sweet and sensitive girl. One evening we went out for drinks, and she met a handsome man. He was tall and muscular, had pitch-black hair like a raven, and yellow-green eyes. He looked like a supernatural Rembrandt painting. I found him to be very mysterious, but somewhat too “creepy” for my taste – it was his strange yellow eyes that made me feel almost uncomfortable. However Heather was mesmerized beyond belief by him. After a little while, the bartender served Heather a cold glass of champagne, compliments from “Mr. Raven” across the bar. Heather shot him a smile mixed with innocence and seduction – and so the game has begun. He came over to us, his eyes burning and fixated on Heather. They were inseparable the entire evening, talking about life, literature, art and their adventures. I was extremely happy to see an exuberant smile on Heather’s face, because it’s been a while since her ex cold-heatedly left her without looking back.

Heather and Mr. Raven started seeing each other. He took her out for nice dinners, dancing, and long walks along the river Main. Her feelings for him grew more intense each day, however there were things that bothered her. For example, there were days when he did not contact her at all, and if she would write him, it took a day or longer for him to answer, even though he was online quite often. He was never available for her on the weekends, and didn’t introduce her to any of his friends. He didn’t plan dates with her in advance, and usually just wrote text messages, asking her to meet with him spontaneously in the evening. It seemed like he had many other “engagements” to take care of simultaneously. She felt in her heart that he was a player, yet she liked him so much! Two weeks have passed, and she slept with him for the first time. After that romantic Saturday evening in bed, he left her flat early the next day. The dates became less frequent, and the month after he stopped writing her all together, saying that he had a new project at work which occupied most of his time.

Last week we were at the Sullivan Bar, and saw the “new project” that was occupying him. The project was tall, blonde, slim and very beautiful. He saw Heather from across the bar, but this time no champagne was sent to her. She only received a pitiful stare, which made her heart bleed from the sheer coldness of it. She came home with a heavily tear-stained face, and melted onto her historic polished wood floors. She couldn’t stop crying. Heather has been played in the cruelest way – by a man in disguise – pretending to look for love.

Ladies and gentlemen, “the player” comes in all forms, shapes and sizes – so be aware! Unfortunately for the kind and sweet ones, the ones who open up their heart and soul to these monsters, they don’t know what hit them until it’s too late. However, these creatures can be identified, if close attention is paid to these facts:

1. Communication is never constant with a player. One day you can be texting many times back and forth, and the next day or two you won’t hear a thing from them. They can be online, but wont answer you.

2. They have many friends of the opposite sex. Of course they are only “friends”. Some might actually be friends, but most are usually the ones they are sleeping with.

3. They keep you waiting on hold, and don’t make dates with you in advance. They usually ask to see you last minute, and can cancel a date without proper notice. They only have time once or maximum twice a week to see you. Forget weekends with them – they have no time, or are gone.

4. They flirt with others in your presence.

5. Promises promises promises – without actions – just words.

6. They are not interested much about what’s going on in your life. They talk mainly about themselves, and don’t ask questions about you – they simply don’t care.

7. You haven’t met their friends – s/he doesn’t invite you when they are all out together.

8. They don’t share their life plans, goals and aspiration with you. Your interaction is kept on a superficial and sexual level.

9. They don’t pursue you, or make the effort to win you over. You are usually the one chasing them.

10.  They are not emotionally available and open to you. Usually they don’t want to cuddle and do romantic things with you.

Ladies and gentlemen, even though this sounds like a hard truth, there are ways to avoid this unnecessary heartbreak. Keep your eyes and ears open! Listen to what they say and make your assessment. Pay attention to your gut feeling, because usually deep down we know and feel when someone has genuine intentions for us, or just wants to play us. Don’t close your eyes on the small hints and signs. However, if you like this person and want more from them – communicate this! You have nothing to lose! Nothing tests a player better than telling them straightforward that you are not a person to be put on hold. Take a risk and say that you are not looking for a quick affair or easy sex, and see how they react. If they slowly disappear from your life, then you have your answer. What also works well is waiting to have sex. Players usually don’t stick around that long if they can’t see the potential of getting sex. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself, and if you see the warning signs, be smart and make the right decision. Life is too short to play games where someone ends up with pain – and it’s never the player that gets hurt!

Avoid falling in love with a donkey
Avoid falling in love with a donkey 1354 437 Galia Brener

We live in a world where things move quickly, and people do not really take the time to get to know each other well. A couple meets, dates, falls in “love” – or most likely in “lust”, gets into some fights, and then “Next!” They split up because “It didn’t work out” – and around the corner are ten new boys and girls waiting. I ask myself, what ever happened to taking the time and dating, romancing and getting to know each other properly? How well do we actually know the person we suddenly fall so madly in love with? Can we avoid falling for the wrong person and save ourselves the torturous pain?

My friend Ambrosia met a man who she was absolutely sure was the love of her life. On their first date, he took her out a romantic dinner in a hidden away restaurant, on a warm summer evening, and they talked about life under the night sky. It was like a scene out of a movie. Right there and then she fell hopelessly und utterly in love with him. They started dating, and spent every day together. He was charming, romantic, and appeared to be kind and caring. Some time passed, and the first fights started. She closed her eyes on what she thought were the “small things”. Ambrosia convinced herself that these were simply short bad phases that will pass.

Unfortunately month after month, he kept changing towards her. She was beginning to see his true dark nature, but she didn’t want her pink bubble to burst and see the truth. His disrespect towards her grew. He took her for granted, didn’t treat her well, and also began to be verbally abusive. He put her down, and was everything but compassionate and empathetic towards her. What the hell was happening? How could the love of her life, and supposed soulmate turn into such a monster right in front of her eyes? She made him out to be a prince charming in her heart and mind, which was actually a completely different person than he really was! It all ended horribly with a broken heart that was difficult for her to heal. She felt so devastated and betrayed by him. His true nature finally came out, and it was very ugly. She asked me, how could she have been so blind?

The problem was that he didn’t just “become” a mean guy. He was this same guy all along, but managed to somehow blind her with his artificial sparkling personality and charm. There is a Russian saying, “Love is a bitch, and can even make you fall in love with a donkey!” – in other words, love can blind you enough to fall for an asshole. Do you want to spare yourself a broken heart in the future? Here’s what you can do to minimize your chances of meeting a donkey disguised as a prince:

Observe: Listen, and let him speak more at the beginning, especially the first few dates. We women love to talk, and sometimes do not shut up enough, but this is very necessary at the beginning, so you can actually hear what’s going on in his brain. Pay close attention to what and how he says it. Does he talk bad about people, criticize and complain a lot? (Speaking badly about the ex is not a good sign – a gentleman never bad-mouths any women). Does he make nasty jokes at the expense of others? How does he respond to various situations? Does he keep calm, or is he short-tempered, and freaks out quickly? Observe his relationship with his family. Is he kind and caring towards his grandmother, mother, or sister? What are this thoughts and action patterns – is he bossy, judgmental or mean?

Actions speak louder than words: Do his actions match the things he says? Is he trustworthy and reliable when promising something? How does he act around elderly people or animals – is he kind to them? Does he do good deeds? It’s one thing to write sweet things to you, but does he also do these sweet things? Does he call you mostly in the later hours (make sure it’s not a booty call thing for him).
Ask questions: Play Sherlock Holmes (no, not the sex game – that comes later), and dig a bit deeper. Ask him about his childhood, life plans and dreams. Ask some strange and surprising questions simply to see how he reacts. What also helps is no sex right away. I know this sounds super old-fashioned, but the longer you wait to sleep with him, the more you find out about him. Let him romance you first, and make an effort to get you. Things that are acquired “too easily” are never cherished as much as those that one must work and make an effort for.

There are many “small things” that can give you a glimpse into the heart, soul and mind of a man. You must turn your antennae on, and recognize all of his signals, because men give out a lot of information in the first few months. I have been there myself before, and know how important it is to look deeper within someone. Once upon a time I’ve fallen so hard on my ass due to love, and it took a while to join the living again, so please try not to repeat my mistake. Most important, do not lie to yourself. You know those situations when he says or does something strange and your stomach jumps up and tries to escape through your mouth, but you let it go because you want this to work out. Well, if your gut is telling you that something is wrong, then it most likely is. Women are born with a built-in sensor, better known as the “Intuition”. Learn to use this strange Intuition-thing more often to avoid falling in love with the next donkey, no matter how handsome and charming he is. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open. My Mama always says to wear the “Truth Goggles” to clearly see who is standing in front of you.

The Bad Boys
The Bad Boys 1354 437 Galia Brener

James Dean, Jesse James, James Bond; no, they’re not just the James’ of our era. They also come in the form of: an immature selfish alcoholic who is one of the owners of a Frankfurt advertising agency, your local telecommunication design conception hip hop psychopath, named after an action hero’s inferior partner, a cheating and heartless Frankfurter pseudo rocker who happens to be a driving instructor, a balding asocial wannabe golf pro that has seen better days long ago, and others. My dear ladies, be warned! I am sure some of you have dated these very same fellows, not to mention other disturbed ones.Like toxic poison, these Bad Boys (BBs) are harmful, and emotionally dangerous for us. Yet so many women are mysteriously drawn and hypnotized by them, like men are to the sound of a V8 engine zooming down the street. For ages, women have been attracted to men that display a strong sense of alpha male dominance. A man who “initially” seems to be strong, confident, fearless, intelligent, witty, caring, successful, fun and rebellious! The delicious, exotic appetite for excitement and adventure, which keeps us breathless, coming back for more, because you never actually know what shall happen next! It’s a high. Uncontrollability, unpredictability, and a challenging dominance. It’s BDSM. They give the pain, and their admirers, a.k.a “the masochists”, receive the pain. However, the simple truth is: Bad Boys are not the Alpha Males. They are the imitators but not the duplicators.

In a gentleman’s magazine, the following advice is given to men on becoming a cool Bad Boy: “Women always want what they can’t have, so make yourself busy and scarce. Be a mystery man. Be unpredictable. Be a challenge – let her do the work to get you, don’t call her, do not answer her. Once you do have her, it’s up to you. You can either keep her or start the game allover again.”

The Good Guys ask themselves over and over, why do women like such jerks? A typical female reaction to a BB is largely due to her biological sense of nurturing. She wants to help him, change him, bring out the goodness in him, and make him love her forever. Another factor that comes to play is her oldest enemy – the Ego. It’s a huge challenge for her! She can be the one that rescued and converted him into a Good Guy. Imagine how wonderful, and what a rush it would be to catch one of these Bad Boys and domesticate him? No one else managed to do this before her, and boom! She did it! She feels like Superwoman, a Femme Fatale! Better than the rest. Of course that’s the fantasy, or rather I shall be precise and say that’s the “illusion” of the situation. In reality, what happens is that she is stuck with unrequited love. Oxford dictionary defines this as: “(of a feeling, especially love), not returned.” Short, simple and bloody painful. God bless the precision of Oxford English. No matter if you are a magnificently beautiful, intelligent, sweet, clever, successful, charming woman – or all of the above – he will have the next hunt, the next challenge, the next adventure, the next power rush, the next mark after you.

A successful businesswoman – let’s call her K – once told me, “Galia, I want to finally have that good, kind, loving and caring man in my life. I’m so tired of chasing the Bad Boys. I always end up getting hurt.” Later on, she got a message on WhatsApp, but did not answer it. I asked her who it was? She said, “Oh, some guy that has been calling everyday for the last week, wanting to ask me out.” To me, it sounded like he was really into her. “That’s wonderful!” I smiled. “No!” K said, “He writes or calls every day. He is pursuing me too much, and is not mysterious at all. I am not excited, because there is no challenge. Actually to be quite honest, he bores me.” In my personal opinion, he seemed sweet, kind, caring and wanted to show K a great evening. For K, he was not wild enough. According to the male advice in the magazine, he did not make himself busy and scarce enough. Is K a masochist, or simply like the rest of us? Where is the balance? Be careful what you wish for, it might come true.

In a very popular TV series, which we know and love, Carrie dates Mr. Big. He hurts her over and over again. For more than 6 years he played with her heart and soul. Humiliating her, leading her on, cheating on her, marrying someone else, coming back, and ruining her brief happiness with a good man. On her wedding day with Big, Carrie looked like a beautiful angel in her glamorous Vivienne dress, and innocent turquoise feather. She believed in him, and in their love, but he left her alone at the altar, and drove off. Yet, she still came back to him.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Some say that pain is the strongest emotion that one can feel. It’s more intense, and hits deeper than any other feeling. Does pain secretly feel better than happiness? Do we need to have personal dramas, so that life does not become boring? My Darlings, let’s be strong, and stop hurting ourselves. We have all been there. It’s time to break the pattern and choose a Good Guy. For those who believe or want to believe in this phenomenon known as “True Love”, I will leave you with a quote that I came across a few days ago:

“One day you’ll find someone who shows you why it never worked out with someone else.” And most likely, he will not be a Bad Boy.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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